Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
When the Cohen Gets Rough
Former Donald Trump pal and legal “fixer” Michael Cohen continued to undergo cross examination in a New York courtroom on Tuesday, as Trump’s current lawyers attempted to paint the former lawyer/henchman as a crude, self-promoting narcissist—apparently after forgetting who they’re representing. Cohen persisted in delivering the damning goods in Trump’s business/election fraud hush money trial, providing a fetid trove of incriminating texts, recollections, and documents that paint his former best buddy as, well, a crude, self-promoting narcissist.
For late-night hosts, these daily court rundowns are likewise a mixed blessing of sordid insider details and present-day GOP monkeyshines. (Seriously, comedy fatigue is a real danger.) Or, as Stephen Colbert put it, “It’s been a real case of déjà ewwww.”
“Former President Trump appeared to fall asleep yesterday during Michael Cohen’s testimony for a full half hour. Again? You know, I was excited for this trial but it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure Trump is well-rested before the election.”
seth meyers
“The last four weeks have been full of lurid and shocking sexual revelations that we learned six years ago.”
stephen colbert
“During his testimony, Cohen laid out tons of evidence, including tapes, emails, photos, and calendar events. It’s pretty impressive that one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case.”
jimmy fallon
[On the Access Hollywood tape] “Cohen testified that it was Melania’s idea to characterize Trump’s comments as ‘mere locker room talk.’ Well that makes sense, because anytime Trump tries to get near Melania, she lock ‘er room.”
stephen colbert
“Michael Cohen testified yesterday that the former President wasn’t thinking about former First Lady Melania Trump when he told Cohen to ‘take care of’ the Stormy Daniels story. Yeah, no kidding. I’d be surprised if he was thinking about her during the wedding. ‘Just a few more vows ’til cake time.'”
seth meyers
[On Cohen testifying that Trump said “Just do it,” to hush money payments to Stormy Daniels] “In response, Nike has changed their slogan to ‘Yay! Sneakers!'”
stephen colbert
[After Cohen testified that Trump assured him, “Don’t worry, I’m the President of the United States!,” after federal agents raided Cohen’s home] “That really smells like some mafia talk. We haven’t heard a President sound that much like a Mob boss since since Billy ‘The Bathtub’ Taft. The offer he couldn’t refuse? More ham.”
stephen colbert
The Apprentice Führer
Trump’s sycophantic enablers and VP wannabes like JD Vance, Mike Johnson, Vivek Ramaswamy, Tommy Tuberville, Doug Burgum, and others all took turns debasing themselves outside the courthouse on Tuesday. Sporting suspiciously matching Trump-style outfits and even more suspiciously similar-sounding attacks on the proceedings, the jurors, and the judge and his family, these Republican shills were widely speculated to be reading from a Trump-prepared script intended to circumvent Trump’s very much in place gag order, something Judge Juan Merchan is sure to have a few things to say about when court picks up on Thursday. As Seth Meyers sussed out the situation on the streets, “Former presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy attended former President Trump’s hush money trial, though he had to be removed because he kept screaming, ‘I’ll wait for you!'”
[On the GOP scrum outside the courthouse] “It’s like the Met Gala for people who don’t believe in women’s rights.”
desi Lydic
“Mike Johnson is a hyper conservative biblical literalist, but today he took a day off from performative holiness to attend Trump’s hush money trial. Now, I’m no fan of of Johnson, but no one should be subjected to 30 years of sex education in one day. That’s like taking an Amish kid to EPCOT.”
stephen colbert
[As Johnson] “‘I’ve heard things today that disgust me. Woman layeth with man outside holy wedlock? When does the stoning begin? I brought my lucky rock.'”
stephen colbert
“It’s kind of hard for Trump to argue he’d never cheat on his wife when there’s a line of dudes outside waiting to suck him off.”
desi lydic
[After Vivek Ramaswamy’s Freudian slip about the “sham politician” inside the courthouse] “‘This disgusting sham politician! I mean prostitution! No, this pervert of justice… this perversion of juices! I mean, he must proclaim his flatulence, I mean innocence!'”
stephen colbert
[On GOP Senator Tommy Tuberville’s complaints that the courtroom is “too depressing”] “‘Mental anguish?’ This dude spends every day whining about how Gen Z is too woke with their safe spaces and now he’s out here like, ‘The wallpaper is giving the President trauma! The fluorescent lights are literal violence!'”
desi lydic
“I’m sorry to tell you this, Tommy Tuberville, but that place doesn’t even crack the top ten most depressing places in New York. Try the sushi case at Duane Reade. Or the bathroom at Port Authority. Or honestly anywhere at Port Authority.”
desi lydic
[After Tuberville implied the jurors in Trumps’ trial weren’t American citizens] “Senator Tuberville appears to be the only person to ever get brain damage from coaching football.”
stephen colbert
Now That’s a Wormhole
In a true wedding of technology and art, a two-way video portal constructed between New York City and Dublin Ireland has allowed the citizens of the two cities to interact with each other in real time. As Lithuanian artist who founded the Portal, Benediktas Gylys, explained with hopeful creative eloquence, “The livestream provides a window between distant locations, allowing people to meet outside of their social circles and cultures, transcend geographical boundaries, and embrace the beauty of global interconnectedness.” A truly inspiring message, which has played out with people using the installation for family reunions, new friendships, and even, in keeping with the wedding theme, an actual proposal. Oh, and some other stuff…
“What a beautiful idea—two cosmopolitan cities, linked by history, literature, and immigration, and now joined by art… and people are flashing their private parts, while others openly do drugs and stream pornography from their phones.”
stephen colbert
“This is so cool. We need more things in our lives that bring us together across different countries and cultures. Let the friendship building begin. [Clip shows people being awful.] C’mon, f**k me.”
desi lydic
“Well, it makes sense. You put New York and Dublin together and what do you get? Boston.”
stephen colbert
“Why does everything have to turn into a fight, it’s beneath us. And also, you really think you’re winning, Dublin? New York hasn’t even begun to fight. This is a a city built on treating the Irish like sh*t. Dublin, you’re just lucky you’re dealing with tourists right now. Let’s move that portal to a middle school in the Bronx, then let’s see what happens. You’ll be Riverdancing into oncoming traffic.”
desi lydic
“We should have seen this coming. All new technologies are used to transmit porn eventually. Remember Alexander Graham Bell’s first telephone call: ‘Mister Watson, I’m insanely high on morphine. Now hold the transmitter down to your rear and let me hear that booty clap!'”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr is set to host a comedy show on Wednesday in Nashville. So if you like to laugh, check out his poll numbers.”
seth meyers
[On Tuesday’s Tonight Show guest, Robert De Niro] “Backstage I told him that he’s the greatest actor of all time.’ And he said, ‘Well, you’re the greatest talk show host of all time.’ I said, ‘Really?,’ and he said, ‘No, I’m just the greatest actor of all time.'”
jimmy fallon
[On the unveiling of CHAT GPT’s new female-voiced AI, Omni] “You can really tell that a man built this tech. She’s like, ‘I have all the information in the world but I don’t know anything. Teach me, Daddy!’
desi lydic
“A Georgia man was arrested yesterday after he allegedly drove his lawnmower on the highway while drunk. Although it was only fair that his lawnmower was on the highway since his car was definitely on his lawn.”
seth meyers
“Even worse, this was his third MUI.”
seth meyers
“Amazon Prime is coming out with a Jeopardy spinoff called Pop Culture Jeopardy. Yup, Pop Culture Jeopardy. Which is nicer than the original name, Not Smart Enough Jeopardy.”
jimmy fallon
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