Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Just Tariffic
When you’re looking down the barrel of a second Trump presidency, you look for silver linings where you can find them. Sure, those scraps of fleeting hope are inextricably yoked to the pain, suffering, and hardship that go along with the hair-trigger incompetence of a sundowning old racist whose “I can fix everything” mantra has bankrupted him and his many fraudulent businesses time and time again. But here we are.
Donald Trump is a tetchy, infantile narcissist whose deep-seated need for praise and immediate gratification sees him slapping simplistic policy Band-Aids on every perceived problem, no matter how complex. Border security? BIG WALL! Big wall didn’t happen? DEPORT BROWN PEOPLE! The economy? TARIFFS! (Plus, huge tax breaks for me and my fellow oligarchs who already don’t pay our taxes.)
Trump’s dispiritingly successful appeal to disaffected white folks has always been that some demonized “other” is the reason their lives aren’t working out, and his newly announced policies are just him following through on that. The inevitable fact that his tariffs will send consumer prices skyrocketing, his racist deportation mania will do the same for agricultural products, and his raft of simpleton TV clown and sex criminal cabinet picks will implode in disgrace and costly bumbling will do nothing to dissuade his cultish supporters that their Glorious Leader is the smartest guy in the room.
That’s the thing about a cult—once you don the red baseball cap and gold sneakers and sign over everything you once held dear, there’s no going back.
“President-elect Trump announced last night on Truth Social that he will implement tariffs on goods imported from Canada, China, and Mexico. So next year if you want extra guacamole it’ll be cheaper to go get it.”
seth meyers
“Apparently Trump’s tariffs on Mexico will cause the price of Modelo and Corona beer to go up. Every MAGA supporter was like, ‘Well, I guess it’s time to forgive Bud Light.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump’s proposed 10 percent tariff on all goods made in China] “So now if you want to purchase a tie from the Donald J. Trump collection, you’d better get it immediately or it’s going to cost an extra 10 percent.”
jimmy kimmel
“Canada is like, ‘What did we do? Is this because of Drake?'”
jimmy kimmel
“It’s not good. Mexico is where we get 90 percent of our avocados and Canada is where we get 100 percent of our hot Ryans.”
jimmy fallon
“Meanwhile, the Tariff of Nottingham is making good on those tariffs he promised.”
jimmy kimmel
“Almost anyone who knows anything about economics believes these tariffs to be a terrible idea. Some say this is the dumbest thing he’s come up with since Don Jr.”
jimmy kimmel
“Whoever would have guessed that the mail-order steak salesman who declared bankruptcy six times would be so bad with money.”
jimmy kimmel
“President-elect Trump is reportedly planning a series of actions to boost fossil fuels as soon as he takes office, including a rollback of tax credits for electric vehicles. That’s how you thank Elon Musk? ‘Look, now that I’ve won, I’ve gotta say, your car is ridiculous.'”
seth meyers
Transition to Your Nightmares
Lost in the admittedly irresistible urge to joke about the cavalcade of conspiracy nutcases, foreign stooges, overt white supremacists, creepy sex criminals, and other assorted clowns Donald Trump has nominated to help him destroy American democracy lead, it’s easy to gloss over just how shadily he’s going about this important task.
Shielding the identities of donors paying for the transition? Check. Ditching FBI security checks for his nominees? Check. (Or rather, “Please don’t check, they couldn’t get a job at the White House gift shop.”) Demanding his GOP sycophants in Congress abandon the confirmation process entirely? Complete lack of checks and balances.
Couple all that with the blatant conflicts of interest, open influence-peddling, and the occasional straight-up rapist (allegedly), and the Trump cabinet is looking more and more like one of those locked containers in a Lifetime movie about an abusive husband with a deep dark secret. You don’t want to pick the lock and look inside—but you just can’t help yourself.
“A cat in Washington state was rescued recently after it got stuck up a tree for five days. They were finally able to get it down after explaining that a lot of Trump’s cabinet picks probably won’t be confirmed by the Senate.”
seth meyers
“Donald Trump Jr. said that Trump’s team may replace some journalists at the White House press briefing with podcasters. It’s gonna be odd hearing, ‘Before we get into the Middle East, a quick word from MeUndies.'”
jimmy fallon
“The New York Times published an article this week about president-elect Trump’s aide, former right-wing television anchor Natalie Harp, who Trump reportedly calls, ‘Sweetie.’ Melania also has a nickname for her but I can’t say it on TV.”
seth meyers
“President-elect Trump’s new border czar Tom Homan is set to visit the US-Mexico border with Texas Governor Greg Abbott. That’s fine, but I don’t get this obsession with physically going down to the border. What do you think you’re going to see, the problem. Ohhh, somebody left this gate open. Solved it!'”
seth meyers
“In a new interview, Homan said he’s putting together an extensive deportation plan and added that the plan will be ‘public safety threats, national security threats, and fugitives.’ So it looks like Trump’s gonna have to replace most of his cabinet.”
seth meyers
Stupid and Racist, But at Least You Have to Pay For It
Apparently celebrity video message site Cameo has become to go-to grift for Trump hangers-on and various other disgraced right-wing figures looking to find out just which Republican voters are gullible enough to pay for a failed congressional candidate, former Trump administration laughingstock, or D-list has-been MAGA actor to wish their mom a happy birthday. The recent announcement that Colorado Republican and noted public nuisance Lauren Boebert had joined the site (and subsequently and abruptly left it) sent Jimmy Kimmel down the Trump-to-Cameo pipeline.
[On GOP Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (R-CO) joining Cameo] “Shouldn’t you be busy cutting off the milk supply to orphans or something this time of year?”
jimmy kimmel
[On Boebert becoming the first sitting member of Congress to hawk personalized messages on a celebrity video site] “She’s the first member of Congress to do a lot of things while sitting, but…”
jimmy kimmel
“For only $250 you get a personalized message. For $300 you get a personalized message with release.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the unexplained disappearance of Boebert’s Cameo page] “Normally when Lauren Boebert leaves that quickly she’s being escorted out by an usher.”
jimmy kimmel
“But don’t worry, you can still find her on OnlyFanatics.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the large number of Trumpworld figures also offering their services] “There is something kind of refreshing about that fact that these people don’t even pretend to be doing jobs any more.”
jimmy kimmel
No-Thanksgiving
Brace yourselves.
“35 percent of Americans consider turkey to be their least favorite Thanksgiving dish. Which, I don’t know. Turkey’s kind of like the Aquaman of Thanksgiving. It might not be your favorite, but the Justice League just isn’t complete without him.”
jimmy kimmel
“Once again at the top of the list, the most popular Thanksgiving food is—the 10-milligram pot gummy you eat in the car on the way to your in-laws’.”
jimmy kimmel
“Luckily there’s no turkey shortage this year, though. I remember the year Biden had to walk up to the turkeys he just pardoned and say, “Fellas I got some bad news.'”
jimmy fallon
“Another important study shows that Trump voters are more likely to bring up the election than Kamala Harris voters. And that 36 percent of Trump voters are actually planning to bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner, which means that now might be a good time to get that Covid you’ve been wanting all year.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“President Biden and the First Lady plan to attend president-elect Trump’s inauguration. Which is why the theme of Trump’s inauguration speech will be, ‘Awkwaaaard.'”
jimmy fallon
“I feel like Biden’s going to spend the entire speech looking into the camera like Jim from The Office.”
jimmy fallon
“According to a new survey, the average American man has three close friends. Which, if you’re over 30, are coworkers, brother-in-law, and that guy at the gym, I think his name’s Greg.”
seth meyers
“Yesterday at the Boston airport an American Airlines plane clipped the wing of a Frontier Airlines plane. Yep, then Frontier charged everyone on board a $50 collision fee.”
jimmy fallon
“Krispy Kreme has unveiled its holiday donut collection, which is inspired by Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. And if you eat enough of them, your heart will grow three sizes.”
seth meyers
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email:Â sign up here.
