With the economy in free fall thanks to whatever it is Donald Trump is doing, late-night hosts had plenty of material to work with Tuesday. Toss in a White House used car lot on behalf of Trump’s number one financial backer, an HHS director blaming Cheetos for measles, and an FBI director planning to give all his agents CTE in the octagon, and you’ve got the state of your Tuesday monologues. Here’s our round-up.
Stephen Colbert
Colbert set the tone for Tuesday’s economy-centric monologues, noting how Donald Trump’s “chaotic” trade war has alienated one of our top trading partners, sent the Dow plummeting, and cost the U.S. economy an estimated $4 trillion in value over the last three weeks alone.
“Yesterday the Dow tripped on Trump’s tariffs and fell down an elevator shaft. And today it kept bonking its head on the way down, plunging more than 400 points.”
“Oh, Maria, Maria, Maria, that excuse is getting harder and harder to bake. ‘You goin’ in the bathroom? You better give it a minute—Joe Biden was in there about eight weeks ago.'”
on fox news’ mario bartiromo blaming the downturn on former president biden
“And that’s a shame, because Canadian electricity is clean energy. It’s powered by pure, natural ‘beaver in a big wheel.'”
on ontario putting a 25 percent tax on electricity exports in response to trump’s tariffs
“Yes, day one! Make American affordable again. Or MAAA. And soon, that is the sound you’ll make when you open your electric bill.”
after a clip of trump campaigning on lowering prices immediately
“You know things are on the right track when your explanation involves the phrase ‘blood everywhere.'”
on one trump spokesperson likening the collapse to what happens when you rip off a band-aid
“And I’m no doctor, and not to quibble, but if there’s blood shootin’ out, maybe it’s not time to rip the Band-Aid off. Maybe it’s time to put on a second Band-Aid. Or, call me crazy, maybe bring in somebody who knows how to fix the old blood-hole. Instead of trusting the guy with the hat that says Make America Blood Everywhere.”
Colbert did manage to find a silver lining in all this plummeting economic news. At least Elon Musk is dropping billions of dollars every day.
“Ha ha! Good one, Heinrich Giggler.”
on musk joking about losing $16 billion yesterday alone
“And there’s a good reason for that. It’s a phenomenon called ‘everybody f*cking hates that guy.'”
on musk’s tesla stock losing 50 percent of its value since December
“How do you illegally boycott something? Buying things is optional. That’s why, when you walk into a West Elm, they don’t lock the door and say, ‘You want out? Then buy a fat candle with three wicks in it. Or five rattan balls in a wicker basket designed to give you splinters. You wanna clean it? You can’t. Now give me $80 or I’m callin’ the cops.'”
on trump accusing people of a crime for not buying elon’s cars
“You’re right Mr. President, ‘everything is computer.’ Which is also the name of the Russian knockoff of The Matrix.”
on trump’s response to seeing the interior of the tesla he bought to prop up musk’s company
“But you know what, it’s an honest mistake. He just mixed up the two words most associated with Elon Musk, Tesla and Hitler.”
on trump pronouncing “tesla” as “Tesler”
And then it was time to move on to another Trump associate causing nation-wide catastrophe.
“You can’t get measles by eating garbage 24 hours a day. You know how I know that? I don’t have measles.”
on trump’s Health and Human Services head Robert f. Kennedy jr blaming the worsening measles outbreak on poor nutrition
“So really, it’s not measles… it’s we-sles.”
on the 9 out of 10 infection rate of measles among people exposed
“Maybe so, but that’s not causin’ the measles. Those are two separate issues. ‘Honey, I know I cheated on you, but you have to understand—West Texas is a food desert.'”
on RFK’s claims about nutrition and measles
“Yes, public health is every man for himself. That’s why those signs on the highway say, ‘Don’t drink and drive—unless it’s your birthday week! Go off, queen!'”
after kennedy called getting vaccinated “a personal choice”
Jimmy Kimmel
Speaking for all late-night monologists, Kimmel kicked off his show by greeting his studio audience with, “Welcome to another episode of How the Hell Do We Make This Funny? To that end, Kimmel dived in to Donald Trump’s ongoing trade war with Canada, which he continues to claim will only end with that sovereign nation becoming an American state.
“He’s moving on Canada like a bitch, and no one’s stopping him.”
“This is how Jafar from Aladdin tried to mate with Princess Jasmine. Jafar-a-Lago here.”
Kimmel also noted how Fox News has gone into overdrive making excuses for Trump’s economic troubles, taking special aim at a certain correspondent and Trump daughter-in law.
“And that’s how delusional you have to be to marry Eric Trump.”
on lara trump promising trump and Elon Musk will be remembered as “saviors of the world”
“She believes Donald Trump and Elon Musk are gonna save the world. She also believes she can sing.”
On the topic of Musk and his plummeting personal fortune, Kimmel made merry sport of Trump’s White House sales pitch on behalf of Musk’s failing Tesla brand electric vehicles.
“He’s finally turned into the used car salesman we always knew he was all along.”
“He flip-flops from zero to sixty in under five seconds.”
following a pre-election clip of trump mocking electric cars
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host kicked off his Tuesday show with a sight gag where the studio lights dimmed until he publicly apologized to Canada, the major U.S. electricity supplier currently threatening to end cross-border electricity production in response to Donald Trump’s tariffs and threats. The ongoing fallout from that trade war pretty much dominated Fallon’s monologue.
“In response to President Trump’s tariffs, Canada threatened to shut off electricity from multiple U.S. states, including New York. Trump may not care now, but he will if his tanning bed only goes up to ‘lightly crisp.'”
“Can you imagine New York City without electricity? I mean, if you ride the subway you can, but for everyone else.”
“Right now the economy is so bad [that] Elon Musk is thinking about laying off Donald Trump.”
“People are saying Trump doesn’t know anything about the economy and they might have a point. I mean, he thinks bear markets are where RFK Jr buys his lunch meat.”
“I’m not kidding, ‘duopoly‘ is who Trump thinks is the artist who sings ‘Dance the Night Away’ and ‘Levitating.'”
“Trump thinks an endowment is what that dad in The White Lotus showed under his robe last night.”
“After the market severely dropped yesterday, Trump spent the night glued to Truth Social as he posted over 100 times in six hours. Yeah, smart. Nothing calms people down like manic posting on social media.”
“100 posts in six hours. Don Jr was like, ‘I’ll snort what he’s snorting.'”
Seth Meyers
It was a no “A Closer Look Tuesday,” freeing Meyers up for a rapid-fire zinger monologue on themes from Trump to moldy bread. Find your themes where you will.
“President Trump yesterday signed more executive orders. In related news, Happy National Wet T-Shirt Day.”
“President Trump signed a proclamation last week declaring March as Women’s History Month and added, ‘Women have done a lot for us.’ In fact, sometimes they do so much, you have to pay them 130,000 dollars in hush money.”
“President Trump said last week he’s considering imposing sanctions and tariffs on Russia. ‘No you’re not,’ said the plant in his office.”
“Which means we’re all gonna be paying a little bit more for our… caviar? I can’t pay more for caviar and eggs. My caviar omelettes are already so expensive.”
“And to the Count, now’s not the time.”
on reports that Sesame Street is laying off 200 workers
“You ever notice how it’s only super-wealthy people who want to live longer. That’s why anti-aging treatments are a quarter-million dollars but a Taco Supreme Lux Box is $5.99. ‘Here’s a ten—take me out.'”
on a New York longevity clinic’s new subscription service
“Panera Bread announced that it will offer a green version of its famous bread bowl in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. The way it works is, they just leave it out over night.”
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host spun the wheel of scandal plagued Trump cabinet appointees and this week came up with FBI Director Kash Patel after Patel was spotted hanging out with Mel Gibson at a UFC fight.
“Kash Patel is the FBI director now. But you may remember him as the producer of a song by the January 6 rioters. It’s called ‘Justice for All,’ and I won’t play it right now. But I’ve heard it and it really should be called ‘Voice Lessons for Some.'”
“Patel is a lawyer and conspiracy theorist who also wrote a children’s book called The Plot Against the King. Which is much less on-the-nose than his original title, Oh, the Capitols You’ll Storm!“
“He is one of Trump’s most controversial appointments, which is really saying something. Because I think he made the Secretary of Transportation a wiener dog sitting in a fancy purse.”
“What are they gonna do, put tax evaders in a headlock?”
on patel’s plan to require fbi agents go through mma training
“Being a good fighter doesn’t make you good at catching criminals. Just like having a brain worm doesn’t make you good at understanding medicine.”
“If this picture doesn’t make you feel safe, you must really have eyes and memory.”
on a photo of patel fist-bumping infamous domestic abuser mel gibson at a ufc fight
“Just because you enjoy something for entertainment doesn’t mean it’s good for your employees. Like, is Kash Patel also going to do team building exercises at a strip club? ‘Yeah, it’s like doing trust falls because I trust nobody is gonna tell my wife what happened in the VIP room.'”
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