
As is the country’s fate these days, Tuesday was packed with topical content for late-night hosts to dig through in their nightly quest for gallows humor. The rains finally came to California, with Donald Trump inevitably taking credit. Trump created two new constitutional crises and continued to attack trans people. Fugitive monkeys were captured. Republican recidivism. The Chinese scooped tech bros—again. And that’s just the tip of the joke-berg.
Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.
Stephen Colbert
“Now I don’t want to cause panic,” Stephen Colbert warned, kicking off his Tuesday monologue, adding, “Frankly I don’t have the energy.”
But ready or not, Colbert was the only Tuesday host to address the most recent constitutional crises fomented by the now eight-day-old Trump administration as The Late Show host spent much of his monologue laying into Trump’s decision to fire every federal investigator that worked on the criminal case against him for attempting to overthrow the government, as well as his executive order cutting off a slew of federal grants, all of which had been passed into law by Congress.
As Colbert noted in his intro to each of Trump’s controversial actions, “This is—and I hope you’re sitting down—illegal.” Noting how Trump’s “autocratic moves” are sending the government (and armies of lawyers) into chaos along with those people whose jobs are being terminated and those who rely on the government programs impacted by the spending freeze, Colbert did his level best to squeeze out some jokes.
“Hey, remember when Donald Trump said he was gonna be a dictator only on day one? Well evidently his first act as dictator was proclaiming that day one never ends.”
[On Trump’s Justice Department purging all officials who worked on the January 6 investigation] “Keep in mind, the January 6 investigation was the largest single investigation in the history of the federal government. And if you fire all those people there’s gonna be nobody left. They’ll have to change the name to the Department of Just This Guy.”
[On Republican Congressman Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) claiming not to know if Trump’s firing spree is motivated by revenge] “Sure. Who knows if it’s revenge. It’s just like that movie V for Vambiguous.”
[On the DOJ terming the firings a “special project”] “Going after honest civil servants just doing their job is not a special project, it is a disgrace. A special project is when, to protect you from the bullies on the playground, instead of going to recess you get to help Miss Brogden clean the erasers. That is a very special project for a [chokes back tears] very special boy—who is totally over it.”
[On the myriad lawsuits already stemming from Trump’s terminations] “So now the lawyers are lawyering up. And then those lawyers will need their own lawyers, and so on, and so on. You can see it all in the new Dick Wolf show, Law & Law & Law & Law & Law & Law & Law & Order (Just Kidding, More Law!)“
Colbert was equally all-in mocking Trump for illegally cutting off federal funding that goes toward non-profits assisting in everything from Meals on Wheels to veterans suicide prevention, to student financial aid, Head Start, Medicaid, AIDS prevention, disaster relief, and homeless shelters.
“[Trump voice]’Oh, they’re all gonna be fine folks, don’t you worry about it. I have a lot of experience in non-profits. In fact, all my casinos did non make a profit.'”
Colbert then moved on to the Trump administration pulling the U.S. out of the World Health Organization, just as the bird flu epidemic is ramping up across the country.
“Wait, we’re out of WHO? This is going to decimate our beloved comedy routines. ‘Who’s on first?’ ‘You have dengue fever.'”
“That of course the classic comedy bit from Abbott and Rubella.”
[On the emerging, potent new bird flu strain] “It’s pretty scary. But on the bright side, H5N9 Bird Flu is just one special character away from being a pretty strong password.”
[On bird flu leaping from chickens and turkeys to ducks] “Well that takes out the whole turducken! How are we gonna find three new animals of increasing size to stuff inside each other? The pighampork? The hipposheepadoodle?”
[On the resulting price spikes in eggs, leading to supermarket buying limits] “What? But if Americans don’t eat more than two dozen eggs per day, how are we gonna die of congestive heart failure?”
[On Canadians posting taunting pictures of their own low egg prices] “F*ck it, I’m with Trump. Let’s bomb Saskatchewan.”
[On White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt blaming the Biden administration for high egg prices by ordering the killing of a million chickens] “First of all, all those chickens had bird flu. They were culled to prevent the spread of the disease. And second, if you are upset about chicken murder, keep in mind your boss is wanted by Interpol for nuggicide.”
Closing out with some somber news (there’s nothing sadder than the death of a running bit), Colbert gave his final “Ooo-Ooo, Aaaa-Aaa Update” concerning the escaped South Carolina lab monkeys, whose final four escaped brethren were safely recaptured this week.
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because ‘macaque’ is a funny word.”
[Peeling a banana to half-staff in the monkeys’ honor] “Goodbye, sweet lab monkeys. May flights of angels sing you back to your lab cages, where they’re gonna see if they can get you to lay eggs ‘cause we’re getting desperate.”
Michael Kosta
The Daily Show host zeroed in on a pair of separate Trump administration targets, beginning with Donald Trump’s executive order effectively ejecting every transgender American military service member from the armed forces. Kosta, delivering his takedown of the already under-lawsuit order with a signature, unsparing smirk, was just one of the people who found that action deeply unimpressive.
“Look, I don’t have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who pees himself any time he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who’s willing to put their life on the line so I don’t have to.”
[On the executive order accusing trans service members of lacking the discipline and character necessary to serve] “Well you know, it makes sense that the military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined. I mean, sure, this is your Secretary of Defense [picture of Pete Hegseth drenched and chugging a bootle of booze] but that’s all the more reason that the rest of them have to have their sh*t together.”
“It’s like how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits to make up for that one song about Ringo wanting to f*ck an octopus or whatever.”
“I’ve gotta say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for their mission of killing people. ‘Hey, you wanna blow some guy’s head off? You’d better say please and thank you.'”
[On the order’s widely disputed claim that trans surgeries for active military harm troop readiness] “First of all, trans people make up 0.1 percent of the military. So, commander in chief, you’re ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the larger military. I don’t see why a transition surgery should affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting like they’re doing transition surgeries on the front lines. ‘Medic! I need a medic over here—we gotta get this guy a labia, stat!'”
Moving on to another controversial Trump order, Kosta did a quick and perhaps unsurprising rundown of the pardoned January 6 insurrectionists who’ve already found themselves back in jail.
[On pardoned rioter Matthew Huttle, who was shot to death after allegedly pulling a gun on a police officer during a traffic stop in Indiana] “Ordinarily, this is the kind of thing liberals would claim as police brutality. But if it’s a January 6-er, you know, I have a feeling they’re gonna be like, ‘We need to back the blue on this one.'”
“Liberals are getting so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is bad or good, Rachel Maddow is going to need a neck brace.”
[On one pardoned rioter (Andre Taake) being arrested for sexual abuse of a minor, and another (David Daniel) for child pornography] “What? I’m starting to worry that the people who broke into the Capitol and took a sh*t on Nancy Pelosi’s desk are not upstanding citizens.”
[On a second rioter (Andrew Kyle Grigsby) being busted for child porn] “Jesus Christ! At this point it might have been better for them to stay in prison, you know? At least then they were heroes. Now they’re all going to individual prisons for child pornography, so, uh, do you guys have a choir?”
Jimmy Kimmel
With Donald Trump turning his attention-span toward Jimmy Kimmel’s own, fire-ravaged backyard recently, the host hasn’t been shy in ripping apart every lie and political ploy Trump has deployed to exploit the disaster. So it’s no surprise that the Jimmy Kimmel Live! host was ready to tackle Trump’s widely derided and completely untrue social media boast that the wildfires are finally out because he [checks notes] sent the military in to California to turn on the giant water valves Trump has been claiming California officials haven’t been smart enough to activate. (Note: It finally rained on Monday.)
“Here’s the question. Do you think he actually believes this happened or does he think we’re so dumb we believe it happened?”
[On the California Department of Water Resources putting out a social media statement explaining that, no, the military did not invade California, and water pumps activated yesterday had been offline for maintenance] “Has a president ever been in a Twitter feud with a department of water before?”
[On new White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt doubling down on Trump’s claim that he turned on the water in her first press briefing on Tuesday] “This might be worse than when he had Sean Spicer say he had the biggest inauguration crowd in history.”
When not debunking Trump’s water-related misinformation, Kimmel set sights on a few other boasts from the new president. From Trump’s plan to erect an Israel-style “iron dome” missile defense system over the entirety of the country to his belated (and inconsequential) follow-through on that whole New Jersey drones situation, Kimmel had some thoughts.
“Trump has now been president for eight days. I’m not kidding, it’s only been eight days. I’ve aged nine and a half years since… I’ve had three grandchildren since January 20th.”
“During the campaign, Trump promised to build an impenetrable dome over the country, similar to the one he tries to hide with the Aqua-Net and the propecia every day.”
[On Leavitt saying Trump told her the drones were sent out by the FAA for “research and other purposes”] “You know what I think the drones are? Divorced dads enjoying the only hobby they have left.”
“What a coincidence, the drones decided to start hovering over suburban neighborhoods at the exact time drones became a popular Christmas present, isn’t that something?”
Taylor Tomlinson
Sometimes a late-night host just has to laugh. Especially if you’re Taylor Tomlinson and a bunch of tech bros just watched their entire cash cow get swiped out from under them by a Chinese cow whose sleeker, infinitely less-expensive design just made them look very foolish. At least that’s the impression taken away from the After Midnight host’s reaction to the splashy entry of A.I. app DeepSeek to the market, with the Chinese-developed ChatGPT alternative sending spiraling the sort of guys Tomlinson intimates she’s had to hear explain blockchain, at length.
“If the U.S. invented sliced bread with ChatGPT, China just came out with the cronut.”
“Basically what I’m saying is, ChatGPT lost its job to A.I.”
[After a clip purporting to show an American ChatGPT investor watching tech stocks plummet following the DeepSeek news] “I can feel everybody in here including me not giving a sh*t. I think it’s hard to give a sh*t about robots because you’re like, ‘But the humans are being so scary.'”
[On DeepSeek being developed at a fraction of what American tech companies claimed was necessary] “These companies said they just needed more money to innovate and now we see that’s not true, which, duh.”
“Seriously though, did you think these billionaire tech guys got so rich by asking for the exact amount they needed and not a penny more? They’re like toddlers. Have you ever seen a toddler be like, ‘Actually, that’s the final push I needed on the swing. Let’s go home, I don’t want to overdo it.'”
[On the second time in a few weeks Americans flocked to a Chinese app that openly steals their data despite government plans to thwart that] “I feel like Chinese apps are the bad boyfriends our parents keep trying to keep us away from. But every time they try to tell us it’s over, we just sneak out the window to do hand stuff with China.”
Seth Meyers
On nights when Meyers isn’t doing one of his longer-form A Closer Look segment, his monologues tend to be zinger-heavy. Still, organizing principles do sneak in when there’s a dysfunctional White House churning out newsworthy set-ups non-stop.
“Yesterday was Pete Hegseth’s first day of work as Defense Secretary and, bad news, he’s already invaded Margaritaville.”
“President Trump praised British Prime Minister Keir Starmer this week and told reporters that Starmer is ‘a very good person doing a very good job.’ And Starmer said Trump is ‘the current president of the United States.'”
“While speaking last week at the March for Life, Vice President J.D. Vance said very simply, ‘I want more babies in the Unites States of America.’ I guess that’s easy to say when you don’t have to fly commercial.”
“At his rally over the weekend in Las Vegas, President Trump said that if you call a woman beautiful, it is the end of your political career. If anyone can think of something worse that someone did without getting cancelled, raise your hand.” [Photo of Elon Musk making a Nazi salute at Trump’s inauguration.]
Meyers’ monologue then saw him and his writer’s room clear out some non-political topical material, although the world of American fast food is always going to pop in there somewhere. Plus, Meyers snuck in one more dig at demanding babies, as if we wouldn’t notice.
“The CIA released a new assessment over the weekend that said the Covid-19 pandemic originated from a lab leak in China. And I think we all owe someone an apology. [Picture of a bat] And they’re blind, so don’t just send an email, you need to do this in person.”
“Costco will be switching their food court soda fountains from Pepsi to Coca-Cola, but they assured customers that their hot dogs would still be made from whatever meat a dollar-fifty can buy you.”
“A Massachusetts couple recently had their wedding at Chuck E. Cheese, and now they’re thinking they’ll wait a while to have kids.”
“In honor of Valentine’s Day, Dunkin’ will add two of their most-requested donuts, brownie batter and Cupid’s choice back to its menu. And if you take her to Dunkin’ on Valentine’s Day you might as well order those, because you’re not getting any holes.”
“A Philadelphia man over the weekend climbed to the top of a traffic light pole to celebrate the Eagles advancing to the Super Bowl despite city officials greasing poles to deter climbing. They didn’t take into account that Philly residents spent years building up an immunity to grease.”
Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday was a catch-all one-liner night for the Tonight Show host as well, including–well, whaddya know–two Trump jokes.
[On Google deciding to honor Donald Trump’s executive order by relabeling the Gulf of Mexico on its maps to the Gulf of America] “Yeah you can tell they’re really sucking up to Trump because today the front page of Google was this: [Google doodle of a buff, shirtless Trump by the pool.]”
“Trump says he wants to repaint Air Force One in ‘power blue’ instead of its current baby blue. So if you’re keeping track, Trump is focused on names and paint colors. He’s either president or pregnant.”
And the rest. (You know there’s an airline joke in there somewhere.)
“X just made a deal with Visa so that you can send money through the app. Russian hackers were like, ‘At least give us challenge.'”
[On viewership for Sunday’s AFC title game] “That’s right, 60 million people watched the game, and they all had the same thought, ‘How many Matthew McConaughey commercials can there be?'”
“A medical breakthrough dubbed ‘the holy grail of medical research’ could allow for a baby to be made by just one person. So, it’s been real men. We had a good run.”
“A recent Delta Airlines flight was cancelled after the crew accidentally deployed the emergency slide before takeoff. Meanwhile Southwest just lets the slide flap in the wind like a loose scarf.”
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