
It was a night to wish to forget, as most of the late-night hosts (including Taylor Tomlinson, back after After Midnight was shut down last week by the Los Angeles fires) recapped the glitz, glamor, and occasional constitutional crisis that was Donald Trump’s second inauguration gala. Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.
Ronny Chieng
Taking the Tuesday reins from Jon Stewart, Daily Show host Ronny Chieng had plenty to catch us up on from inauguration Monday. First up was Donald Trump’s celebratory coming home party, complete with awkward-looking Trump family dynamics and even more awkward dancing to Trump’s unlikely favorite song. As Chieng put it, “Yesterday was a momentous day for the country. The once-disgraced president returning to office after four years ready to enact terrible revenge against his political enemies. But first—party time!!”
“They played ‘YMCA,’ which is America’s new national anthem I guess? While Donald Trump did the presidential jerk-off dance, ‘cause that’s not, like, a song that has its own extremely famous dance moves.”
[On Trump incorporating a real sword into his pre-dessert dance] “We were about three inches away from finding out whether Melania is cake.”
[On the First Lady standing by unamused while Trump introduced everyone in the family but her] “She does not look happy, all right. I don’t know about the Panama Canal, but tonight the Slovenian canal is closed.”
But then it was down to business, as Trump incorporated his official signing of dozens of deeply divisive executive orders into the inauguration night stage proceedings. After Trump tossed the commemorative pens he used to sign orders decreeing that trans identities don’t exist and withdrawing the country from the World Health Organization and the Paris Climate Accords among others to the crowd, Cheing joked, “Wow, whoever caught that pen is so lucky. That is gonna be such a cool thing for those guys to show their kids once they get their visitation rights back.”
[On Trump’s assembly line executive order signing technique] “I mean, if you could have put anything in front of him yesterday and he would have signed it. Melania, now’s the chance to renegotiate that prenup.”
[On Trump reacting with happy surprise upon finding out his next E.O. would withdraw the United States from the Paris Accords] “‘Oooooh!’ He’s withdrawing from the World Health Organization like he’s hearing the dessert options. ‘Yeah, I’ll have the tiramisu and the potential measles outbreak.'”
“C’mon, what are the odds there’s going to be a pandemic requiring international cooperation?”
[On a newscast resorting to a quick chyron-scrolling rundown of all Trump’s executive orders] “Look, he had so many executive actions they had to scroll through the tracks like it was an ad for Now That’s What I Call MAGA.”
[On Trump unilaterally overturning Congress and the Supreme Court by pausing the TikTok ban that he himself initiated] “He brought back TikTok, just as my brain was regaining its higher-order functions. God, that was close.”
[After a 2020 clip of Trump calling for the Chinese-owned site to be shut down] “Yeah, thank you president Trump for saving us from that guy.”
[After Trump pardoned over 1,500 Capitol rioters, including hundreds convicted of assaulting police officers] “Okay look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate and more like something Bane did.”
Seth Meyers
The Late Night host, taking a night off from his more in-depth “A Closer Look” segment, still chimed in on on all the inauguration night hoopla and assorted other Trump-related day one activities during his show-opening monologue, including Trump unveiling his new presidential portrait and signing over 100 controversial executive orders.
“President Trump signed an executive action renaming the Gulf of Mexico and Mt. Denali. And also, I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I lived here.” [Picture of New Mexico.]
[On Trump’s scowling, lit-from-below official photo] “He looks like he just opened the briefcase from Pulp Fiction.”
“He looks like he’s about to tell a ghost story to the Midnight Society. ‘I call this one The Tale of the Phantom Immigrant, woooo…'”
[On outgoing President Biden’s counter-programming over the weekend] “President Biden traveled to Charleston on Sunday and toured the International African American Museum. Because the last thing he wanted to do is go somewhere where he might run into Donald Trump.”
Of course, everyone’s still got to eat, drink, and be, well, if not merry, then at least eat and drink.
“According to a new federal study, drinking just one alcoholic beverage a day could raise health risks, so make sure to have at least two.”
“In honor of National Soup Month, Progresso has released soup lozenges. Not to be outdone, Campbell’s released a humidifier.”
“A restaurant in England has begun charging more than $100 for their Hawaiian pizza in an effort to discourage customers from ordering it. As if customers needed more encouragement not to order English pizza.”
Jimmy Kimmel
While some have read into the fact that Donald Trump did not, as is traditional, place his hand on the bible during his swearing on on Monday, Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday dug even deeper into the issue of presidential faith. Playing clips of Trump angrily shaking his head, refusing to say the Lord’s Prayer, and criticizing the prayer service at Washington’s National Cathedral by Episcopal Bishop Mariann Budde, Kimmel speculated it was all because the bishop called out Trump’s planned actions against the LGBTQ and immigrant communities in her sermon.
“Trump only likes mass when it’s followed by the word ‘deportation.'”
“I don’t know what you people are clapping about, but that bishop has no business bringing the teachings of Jesus into that church.”
Taking on the already controversial settling-in period of Trump’s day-old presidency, Kimmel was unsparing on topics ranging from Oval Office redecoration to Trump’s raft of executive orders, to some already broken campaign promises.
“It’s been 24 hours since he was sworn in, already Donald Trump has ended the war in Ukraine on day one, just as he promised he would. Oh he didn’t? Well that’s a—he should resign then, shouldn’t he?”
“Trump’s infamous Diet Coke button is back. He’s also got, this time he’s got a chalupa cannon and a McNugget knob, too. And he’s got another little button to lock the door when he hears Elon coming.”
[On rumors of cracks in the Trump-Musk relationship] “It’s kind of a tough situation for Trump. One the one hand, you know he can’t stand this guy, one the other hand, he needs his money. It’s what they call a Melania’s dilemma.”
[On executive orders withdrawing the U.S. from the World Health Organization and the Paris Climate Accords] “There are two real reasons why Trump is big on pulling out: Eric and Don Jr.”
[On Trump repealing Biden’s price caps on drugs for seniors and his pardon of violent January 6 insurrectionists] “Finally someone’s looking out for Big Phama and the Promise Keepers.”
[On an inauguration performance from Billy Ray Cyrus] “His voice is so gravelly, Kristi Noem could shoot a puppy on it.”
Stephen Colbert
Kicking off his Late Show monologue, Stephen Colbert offered his audience some advice for the long haul of a second Trump administration. “Get some sleep, stay hydrated, and remember that not everything is gonna be about Donald Trump every single day—except today,” Colbert warned, concluding, “So strap in, buckle up, bear down, and grab a bite stick, because here we go.”
And go Colbert did, first tackling Trump’s executive orders.
[Responding to audience boos over Trump pardoning hundreds of violent, convicted January 6 rioters] “I know, but soon the insurrectionists will be home, where they can spend time smearing poop on their families.”
[On “Q-Anon Shaman” Jacob Chansley celebrating his release with a social media post promising to “buy some motherf*ckin’ guns”] “Sounds like someone’s off their motherf*ckin’ meds.”
[On Trump rescinding Biden-era price caps for medication] “But that’s the only thing that everybody likes! ‘For my next order, I’m banning puppies, I’m outlawing fries for the table, and those tiny outfits that make your baby look like a pumpkin.'”
[On Trump withdrawing from the WHO] “But do not you worry, health fans. The government will be able to get the latest health recommendations from RFK’s ravens. Turns out the new protocol for tetanus is, ‘Squawk, squawk, let us peck out your shiny eyes.'”
[On Fox News’ unfortunate misspelling during a story about Trump’s three-month reprieve for TikTok] “Don’t worry, thanks to Trump, TitKok is still available, as are Peen-terest, Faceboob, and Clitter. That last one? Available—[but] very hard to find.”
[On Trump tossing the pens with which he signed his executive orders to a cheering crowd] “It reminds me of Lincoln’s iconic words after Gettysburg, ‘Who wants my hat? It’s yours if you show me dem tatas!'”
As for Elon Musk’s exuberant Hitler salute while celebrating Trump, Colbert had some thoughts.
“Wow. That sure looked like what it was.”
“Now I don’t know if Musk intended to do a Nazi salute. He says he is not a Nazi. But what I do know is that people who aren’t Nazis know how to avoid doing a Nazi salute.”
“For the last 80 years of human history, there are only a couple of acceptable positions for a fully extended arm, okay? It goes pet the puppy, tousle your nephew’s hair, and hail a cab, okay? In between tousle your nephew down here and hail a cab up here, this is called the danger zone.”
[On Donald Trump’s new Oval Office decorations] “Hm, wasn’t there another political party who had this thing for silver eagles with their wings spread? Who was that? If anyone remembers, just raise your hand.” [Clip of, well, you can guess.]
[And on the reintroduction of Trump’s soda-summoning button] “Don Jr’s also getting his favorite refreshment, actual coke button. You know their slogan, ‘Let’s watch Reservoir Dogs and tackle each other.'”
Taylor Tomlinson
Finally returned from her unexpected, wildfires-caused nearly two week hiatus, the After Midnight host praised her show’s parent company for putting her crew’s health and safety first, even as she played clips of Los Angelinos’ sometimes eccentric methods of coping with the unprecedented natural disaster. Including herself, naturally.
“It is so good to be back on TV now that our city is just barely on fire.”
“We did get to find out how some of us would react during an emergency. Some of us better than others. For example, my go bag was just a bag of Pop-Tarts and some condoms.”
“You know who was the best at putting together a go bag? All my friends with divorced parents. They’re ready to go at a moment’s notice. They had to evacuate dad’s apartment every weekend when he got a new girlfriend.”
Moving onto the inauguration festivities, Tomlinson wasn’t shy about mocking the tech CEO all lined up onstage to show a united oligarch’s front—and in one case, give the whole game away with a few revealing arm gestures.
“Yup, last night, Elon did what appeared to be a Nazi salute—twice. His defendants say he was just doing a Roman salute, to which we all said, ‘Is that better?'”
[On the happy roster of CEOs from Twitter, Google, Amazon, TikTok, and others all celebrating Trump’s big day] “If you put them all together, they have trillions of dollars and one half of a human soul.”
“They look like The Avengers but if their arch-nemesis was a livable wage.”
[On the backlash against the casual ensemble of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez] “People online were criticizing her outfit but c’mon guys, we all knew she was into wrinkly whites.”
Jimmy Fallon
Addressing the MAGA elephant in the room as well, Tonight Show host Fallon segued from jokes about the record cold snap pummeling the nation into a pantomime mocking Elon Musk’s controversial onstage arm gestures—with a little dig at potential Trump-era late-night host retribution and censorship thrown in.
[On this weekend’s predicted and much-needed reprieve from sub-zero temperatures in parts of the country] “Elon Musk was right. Right now temperatures are here [arm at 45 degree downward angle], by Friday they’re gonna be here [arm straight out], and by the weekend, they’re gonna be…” [Arm-raise interrupted by “Please Stand By” signal interruption.]
“Of course, when it’s this cold it’s important to check in on the elderly. That’s why president Trump spent all day on the phone like, ‘He doesn’t live here any more! And I’m fine!'”
Fallon also delivered jokes concerning Trump’s executive order signing spree.
‘Yep, the January 6 rioters are free. They were so excited to be reunited with their friends and family who turned them in.”
“Meanwhile, Trump just signed an executive order renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, and changing Denali back to Mt. McKinley. And he’s not done—check out some of these other orders. He’s changing San Antonio to Saint Tony. Up next, he’s changing New York to Trumpsylvania. Next up, he’s making the Rocky Mountains the Sylvester Stallone Mountains. Here’s another one, you had the U.S. Virgin Islands, now they’re the Mike Pence Islands. Next up, he’s renaming Burger King and Dairy Queen into Burger President and Dairy First Lady. He’s referring to the Bill of Rights as Light Suggestions. And finally, he’s changing Melania into Hey, Siri so someone actually responds.”
[On Trump reinstalling the Diet Coke-summoning button in the Oval Office] “Yeah, it’s someone’s entire job just to run in and bring Trump a Diet Coke. On the bright side, Rudy Giuliani is working again.”
Fallon also addressed the upcoming strike by workers at one of the nation’s most popular bulk-groceries emporiums.
“Costco workers have voted to authorize a nationwide strike. In response, Costco has threatened to replace them with Kirkland brand workers.”
“Meanwhile, BJ’s workers have voted for the thousandth time to change that name.”
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