Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
In the News Today… Next!
Look, doing late-night topical monologues is a tough gig these days. (And let’s all give it up for those brave people recapping late-night monologues. Anyone? Hello?)
What used to be a cushy gig making your bandleader guffaw with moderately blue Bill Clinton zingers and one-liners about your famous golf buddies has become a nightly chore for those tasked with processing terrible events into queasy laughter. After a thoroughly disillusioning election season and with preparations for a second Trump presidency dominating the news most days since then, the three on-duty hosts’ final week before the holiday break saw Tuesday’s monologues take something of a cleansing breather.
As Stephen Colbert noted in passing, “Well, yesterday [Donald Trump] held a press conference at Mar-a-Lago. Now, I’m not gonna talk about out it much, ‘cause I don’t want to, and you can’t make me.”
Take a break, fellas. January will be here soon enough.
“Today at Mar-a-Lago, Trump met with Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos. Things got off to a rough start when Trump bit his arm to see if it was cake.”
jimmy fallon
“Health and Human Services nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly has been spotted working out at a New York City Equinox Gym in tight jeans and hiking boots. And if you think that’s weird, wait until you hear every single other thing about him.”
seth meyers
“According to a new survey, 83 percent of Republicans support Robert F. Kennedy’s proposal to mandate nutrition education in federally funder schools. A revolutionary idea that they can’t believe no one thought of before.” [Photo of Michelle Obama looking skeptical.]
seth meyers
“In the same survey, 74 percent of Americans say they support Robert F. Kennedy’s proposal to ban certain food additives, including food dyes. So get psyched kids for the newest flavor of Jolly Ranchers—plain!”
seth meyers
“In a post on Truth Social last week, President-Elect Trump said that he wants to end Daylight Savings Time. While his advisor Stephen Miller just wants to end daylight. ‘It burns!'”
seth meyers
A Ticking Tinsel Bomb
By the time you read this, there will be exactly one week until Christmas. For those who celebrate/dutifully gather to exchange presents in mandatory capitalist ritual fealty, the pressure is on to come up with the perfect present for those family members you haven’t spoken to since the election.
Gift Giving Advisory: Donating to charities for those groups (LGBTQ+, women, immigrants, public libraries, reproductive health, civil rights, independent journalism, the environment and conservation, puppies probably) set to be relentlessly attacked by a Donald Trump administration under the name of your most MAGA relative might be cathartic and hilarious…
“We are just a little over one week away from Christmas. And I would say I hope your stockings are hung by your chimney with care, your eggs are nogged, and your nuts are fully megged.”
stephen colbert
“There’s just eight days until Christmas. Which means that in seven days you’ll be asking a gas station attendant, ‘Can you gift wrap these Slim Jims and put ‘To Dad’ on the card?'”
jimmy fallon
“A Massachusetts man was arrested for drug possession after he was allegedly found hiding in a chimney by the police. [Photo of Santa] But he claims that drugs is just what everybody in Massachusetts asked for.”
seth meyers
“That’s right, Christmas is almost here. And this year Santa really knows who’s been naughty or nice thanks to those drones spying in New Jersey.”
jimmy fallon
“According to a new poll, Americans are over Christmas traditions. What? Christmas is traditions! You can’t be over them and still have Christmas. If you don’t put out your wooden shoes, how will Sinterklaas fill them with dried fruits and nut-meat? Think, Hans, think.”
stephen colbert
“This year Christmas and the start of Hanukkah are on the same day. At Mar-a-Lago they have a name for when this happens—they call it Christmas.”
jimmy fallon
“One holiday tradition people are ready to shake up is the holiday meal evidently, with many people saying that this year they want burgers instead of turkey. Yeah, that’s according to noted sociographic analyst, Clarence T. Gobbleton.”
stephen colbert
“It’s not just burgers. 44 percent of responders say they want pizza, 38 percent said tacos, and 34 percent said Chinese takeout. That 34 percent also celebrates Christmas by watching a movie and lighting Hanukkah candles.”
stephen colbert
“47 percent said they would prefer to spend the whole day in their pajamas rather than getting dressed up. Okay, I just want to point out that you want to stay in what you slept in, avoid your family while eating tacos and pizza? That’s not Christmas, that’s clinical depression.”
stephen colbert
“28 percent of respondents said that they’re open to swapping Elf on the Shelf. Well that’s fine because, based on the look of that elf, he’s into swapping. ‘Hey three wise men, my elf wife and I just noticed you from across the mantel and, uh, we like your vibe. Don’t forget to bring the myrrh.'”
stephen colbert
“According to a new report, the most downloaded free app in America was Temu. So don’t be surprised when your holiday gift is a handbag from Dolce & Banana.”
jimmy fallon
[On a newly coined holiday dating buzzword] “There’s also ‘winter coating’ in which people reach out to old flames in the winter, much like they would an old coat. The best is when you reach inside your old lover and find a 20-dollar bill.”
stephen colbert
“Here in New York City, some locals are complaining about how many tourists are coming to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. They were like, ‘Hey I moved to the heart of midtown for some peace and quiet!'”
jimmy fallon
“Apparently there may be a Guinness-less Christmas as pubs run dry across the UK. One reason might be because what used to be seen as the drink of choice for middle-aged men has soared in popularity among younger women. Welcome younger women. Welcome to our world. Middle-aged men have all the best hobbies: dad bands, cargo shorts, taking pictures at graduation with an iPad.”
stephen colbert
O Canada—Don’t Be Like Us
Apparently attempting to undermine democracy with racist scapegoating and short-sightedness isn’t just a U.S. thing. As Stephen Colbert noted, our neighbor to the north is undergoing some creepily familiar rumblings. Get it together, Canada. You’re supposed to be the sane, stable ones.
“You know it’s easy to get down about the potential collapse of democracy in America, but don’t forget to also get down about the potential collapse of democracy in other countries, too.”
stephen colbert
“Trudeau has become very unpopular because Canadians are frustrated by the rising cost of living and immigration. [Cut to Colbert as Joe Biden, aviators and all] ‘Welcome to the club, Dudley Do-Wrong.'”
stephen colbert
“Even more challenging, Trudeau has to deal with Trump’s threats of a 25 percent tariff on Canadian imports. That would be a disaster for Canada. Three-quarters of their exports go to the United States: lumber, maple syrup, not to mention they’re our number one supplier of Dry. What are we gonna import now, Polish Wet? You know their motto: You drink wet now.”
stephen colbert
And Person Who…
A visual joke format in print—what could be funnier?
“There’s a political crisis around Canadian Prime Minster and Disney prince who’s so boring you’d rather hook up with a talking candlestick, Justin Trudeau.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“A Jason Kelce lookalike contest was held over the weekend in Philadelphia, and I can only assume that it ended in a 40,000-way tie.”
seth meyers
[On a bill naming the bald eagle America’s national bird] “Now you’re probably saying, ‘Steve, I thought it was already the official national bird.’ Nope. Officially, America’s national bird is the KFC Double Down.”
stephen colbert
“Stanley has issued a recall for 2.6 million steel travel mugs due to safety issues. ‘Please respect our privacy during this time,’ said white women on Instagram.”
seth meyers
“A flight had to make an unscheduled landing due to the stench from 100 pigs in the cargo hold. Passengers were offered tickets home on Spirit Airlines and said, ‘No thanks, this is worse.'”
jimmy fallon
“Authorities in New Zealand recently arrested a Canadian woman after they allegedly found two million dollars worth of meth in her suitcase. Police became suspicious when she swam there.”
seth meyers
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