Tuesday night saw this week’s reduced complement of late-night hosts pitching in to tackle some of the Trump administration’s most recent sideshows (plastic straws, rewarding blatant corruption, “owning the libs”), suggest Valentine’s Day alternatives (no Subway, dude, c’mon), and continue the Philadelphia Eagles’ righteous Super Bowl beatdown of the Kansas City Chiefs–in joke form. Here’s our Tuesday rundown.
Jordan Klepper
Taking the Daily Show baton from Monday guy Jon Stewart, Jordan Klepper began by focusing on some of the important work undertaken by the Trump administration. That is, the rechristening of North Carolina military base Fort Liberty back to its former name, Fort Bragg.
But what’s this? As Klepper noted, all those decrying the renaming of Fort Liberty (as the base was renamed under President Biden) back to one honoring a Confederate slave owner widely considered “the worst general of the Civil War” can chase their tails, since Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth—in his proclaimed “war on ‘woke'” actually reverted to the old moniker in honor of one WWII Private Roland L. Bragg. So, yeah, as Klepper noted, being ‘woke’ is out, and playing “weird name switcheroo” to own the libs is now U.S. military priority number one.
“Yesterday there was a big announcement from Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, Trump’s top cabinet member if you go by blood alcohol level.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa—you renamed Fort Bragg after a different Bragg? So after all that bitching about not giving into woke history, you’re basically admitting that we shouldn’t name military bases after Confederate generals. Well it’s a good thing woke is over, because I think I can say this now: That’s a p*ssy move, Hegseth.”
“Pete Hegseth basically said, ‘Find me a guy named Bragg who served in the army and didn’t own slaves.’ I mean, he didn’t even have a Wikipedia entry until today. Do you know how obscure you have to be to not have a Wikipedia page? There’s a Wikipedia page for cats that look like Hitler.”
“Why do I get the feeling Pete’s going to try to pull this with his wife? ‘Baby, baby, I didn’t cheat on you. Her name was also Susan, okay?'”
But, as Klepper went on to explain, GOP policy isn’t all playing “I’m not touching you” name games. It’s also about blackmailing indicted politicians into supporting your wildly unpopular anti-immigrant policies.
That’s a reference to New York Mayor Eric Adams, who saw his months-long campaign of fealty to Donald Trump rewarded with a Justice Department order suspending his corruption trial—at least until after the 2025 mayoral election. As Klepper summed up the transactional move, “Trump didn’t drop the charges so he could hold them over him for the rest of his term.”
“You know what, I applaud Donald Trump for letting a blue city mayor off the hook. This sends a message. Donald Trump is not about being a Democrat or a Republican. As long as you’re criminally corrupt, you’re his people.”
“Trump really loves getting his ass kissed, doesn’t he? Which probably explains why all his suit pants have that little trap door on the butt like old timey long underwear.”
Seth Meyers
With Valentine’s Day approaching and fast food apparently related to that somehow, Seth Meyers delivered some monologue joke value meals on Tuesday.
“In honor of Valentine’s Day, Subway is offering a ‘buy one, get one free sub.’ What better way to say I love you than, ‘I got this for free at Subway.'”
“In honor of Valentine’s Day, Domino’s has offered a perfume inspired by the alluring aroma of a pepperoni passion pizza, ‘with notes of spice, pepper, and a warm, beguiling base.’ And for men, they released a pizza with a hole in it.”
“Taco Bell has announced it will offer a wedding package at its Las Vegas Boulevard location that includes an Elvis impersonator. Okay, but is it a real Elvis impersonator or just a Taco Bell customer who died on the toilet?”
“The Philadelphia Eagles are set to host their victory parade this week on Valentine’s Day, in what’s being called the ultimate test for Philadelphia boyfriends.”
Tuesday was also clean-out day for those Trump jokes that just don’t have the soul-wrenching weight to be included in one of Meyers’ A Closer Look segments.
“When asked during an interview on Friday how many times he’s spoken with Russian president Vladimir Putin since taking office, President Trump said, ‘I’d better not say.’ Even worse, a voice from his pocket said, [Russian accent] ‘Donald, who are you talking to?'”
“President Trump said on Friday he has spoken to Russian president Vladimir Putin on the phone to try to negotiate an end to the war in Ukraine and added that the invasion never would have happened if he had been in office. Because if Trump was president, we would have invaded Ukraine.”
“The New York Post has reported that President Trump has overlapping meetings where he introduces the first guest to the next. Like, ‘Mister prime minister, meet Mac Tonight.'”
[And because we were all assured that egg prices were the direct responsibility of a sitting president] “A spokesperson for Trader Joe’s announced yesterday that the grocery chain would be limiting egg purchases to one dozen per customer per day. Though if you’re going through that many eggs, I’m guessing you’re used to being limited?”
Finally, Meyers always has time for a Florida slam.
“A Florida woman recently became the youngest person to travel to every country in the world. When asked why she loved traveling so much, she said, ‘I live in Florida.'”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host tailored much of hisTuesday monologue to his two main guests, Philadelphia Eagles champs Saquon Barkley and Jalen Hurts, with added Valentine’s Day flavor.
“As if winning the Super Bowl wasn’t enough, Sunday was also Saquon Barkley’s birthday. Before the game they gave him a cake and then he blew out the Chiefs.”
“The last time somebody from Philadelphia smacked someone that hard they got banned from the Oscars.”
[On the Eagles’ victory parade taking place on Valentine’s Day] “So while couples will be enjoying an edible arrangement, Eagles fans will be enjoying an arrangement of edibles.”
“The Eagles’ parade is this Friday. It’s great for fans because there’s no work the next day but bad because they can’t see a judge ’til Monday.”
“Apparently Trump’s new tariffs could be to blame for delays in shipments from Temu. I’m not sure what’s worse, telling your wife your Valentine’s gift is delayed or that you got it on Temu.”
Jimmy Kimmel
It was a relatively slow day for Trump administration outrages to joke about. (The constitutional crisis wherein Trump and Elon Musk are ignoring judicial rulings against their illegal cuts to congressionally assigned aid and government programs notwithstanding.) So Kimmel, like his Tuesday colleagues, tried some new Super Bowl jokes.
[On the Monday-after sick-outs following the Super Bowl] “One in eight American workers and every single worker in Philadelphia took the day off from work yesterday.”
[On streaming service Tubi carrying the big game] “Tubi scored a record 13.6 million viewers for the game, which beat their previous record by 13.6 million viewers.”
Moving on to Donald Trump, Kimmel, like Klepper, also questioned the administration’s priorities.
[On Trump’s executive order banning paper straws, claiming that the environmentally friendly drink accessories “explode”] “His straws are exploding? How hard is he sucking?”
“Listen, the fact of the matter is, Trump loves plastic. Most of his wives are made of plastic.”
And before reintroducing Haley Joel Osment as his show’s resident J.D. Vance, Kimmel could only marvel at Donald Trump bluntly revealing that he does not consider his Vice President his presidential successor in an interview this weekend.
“That is colder than Melania’s side of the bed.”
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