Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
They Always Return to the Scene of the Crime
For the first time since he inspired, directed, praised, and then promised to pardon the mob that violently stormed the Capitol Building in order to prevent the peaceful transfer of power, Donald Trump returned to Capitol Hill on Thursday. And naturally the Republican lawmakers who were literally cowering for their very lives from Trump’s rampaging mob on one of the darkest days in the history of American democracy gave convicted felon Trump a stern talking to. Oh wait, they sang him “Happy Birthday” a day early, fawned over their former attempted murderer, and came out of the reportedly scattered and incoherent meeting pledging complete, bootlicking fealty as Trump attempts to reclaim the White House. (Through the ballot box this time—at least until he loses again.)
Late-night hosts were armed with jokes and tellingly damning quotes room these same lawmakers from when they, shaken by a literal coup attempt leaving them pinned down in the House chambers under the guard of armed police, originally condemned Trump for his criminal and obviously disqualifying rebellion. Responding to the reports of these same lawmakers singing Trump a birthday song in servile unison, Jordan Klepper blurted, “What? They sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him? They’re not waiters at a TGI Fridays.”
“I mean, imagine if you were a serious Republican congressman in that room, who came to work that day to get things done and make life better for your constituents—that person does not exist. But imagine how annoyed they would be.”
jordan klepper
“Seriously, do you people have no shame? It’s the guy’s first public visit since he sicced a mob on you and almost got you killed and and not only are you welcoming him back with open arms, you’re singing him ‘Happy Birthday’ a day before his birthday? This is like if all the teens at Crystal Lake got together throw a surprise party for Jason. ‘We got you a new chainsaw!'”
seth meyers
“Isn’t that embarrassing for everybody involved? A room of adults wearing suits saying, ‘Let’s discuss our agenda to dismantle the regulations to protect our environment, but first—who’s the big boy gettin’ a year older!'”
jordan klepper
“Trump went back on Capitol Hill for the first time since January 6. And it must have felt like visiting your old high school, you know? Walking the halls, so many memories flooding back. ‘I remember Joey taking a dump over there. Blake beat up a cop right over there. We tried to hang Mikey over there! Just over there, I told everyone to be peaceful [jerk-off motion]. Such good memories—we should do this again.'”
Jordan Klepper
[After a clip of a post-January 6 Mitch McConnell calling Trump “practically and morally responsible” for the attack, followed by McConnell today supporting Trump] “Oh, what a spineless little Mitch you are.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump is also on the hunt for a running mate. Reportedly he’s gathering information from a select group of Republicans by sending them Vice Presidential vetting paperwork. And we have a copy of the first question: ‘Complete the following chant—Hang [your name here.]'”
stephen colbert
[On the GOP victory in this year’s congressional baseball game] “Although I will say it doesn’t surprise me that Republicans won the baseball game. They have a lot of speed on the base paths. Remember how fast Josh Hawley ran form the mob on January 6. He was like a MAGA Rickey Henderson.”
seth meyers
SCOTUS Is BROKUS
It’s a rare day in these times when the Trump-packed Supreme Court doesn’t hand down a decision transparently in service of a white supremacist, authoritarian, corporate-coddling, or anti-woman/gay/minority interest group. (Or when Clarence Thomas doesn’t reveal yet another unreported, lavish gift from conservative billionaire benefactor and Nazi memorabilia fan, Harlan Crow.) That’s why today’s 9-0 ruling that an even more conservative and farcically right-wing lower court lacked legal standing to ban the abortion drug mifepristone had pro-choice people suspicious. Jordan Klepper posited that there was a chambers gas leak, while others noted in optimism-trampling clarity that this seemingly pro-choice choice by SCOTUS had nothing to do with the merits of the issue at hand but merely kicked the can down the road until a more relevant plaintiff can resume the forced birth agenda.
As Klepper continued, it wasn’t like Americans who view woman as full and equal human beings with the right to control their own bodies and medical decisions had that much to celebrate anyway. Noting that the powerful (and powerfully patriarchal) Southern Baptist Convention voted Wednesday to support the Alabama Supreme Court’s ban on in vitro fertilization on the grounds that a clump of cells in deep freeze have more rights than the actual, sentient women participating in that conference, Klepper could only pretend to be surprised. “Really, Southern Baptists,” The Daily Show host needled, “You’re against IVF? Don’t you remember how Jesus was born—that’s basically the Bible version of IVF.”
“Today [SCOTUS] issued a ruling on the abortion pill, which religious activists asked them to ban on the legal grounds that they [checks notes] don’t like it.”
jordan klepper
“Now to be clear, the court didn’t decide this case based on the merits, just on a technical issue of standing. So anti-abortion groups still have another chance to get the abortion pill banned. Which is nice to know that at least they get a Plan B.”
jordan klepper
“Yes, obviously you can’t sue a drug just because you don’t want somebody else to use it. Like, I want cocaine to be less available to Don Jr. It doesn’t mean that I can sue cocaine.”
jordan klepper
“Senate Republicans yesterday blocked a Democratic bill that would have created new ethics rules for the Supreme Court, news that Clarence Thomas was pleased to hear when he pulled into port.”
seth meyers
[On Clarence Thomas receiving unreported, Harlan Crow-provided trips to Indonesia and the Bohemian Grove enclave] “When the reports first came out, Thomas’ lawyers issued a statement calling them ‘untrue.’ Okay, but counterpoint… true.”
stephen colbert
“Hey, no no no no, it wasn’t a lie, it was an inadvertent omission. ‘Oopsie-daisy, I guess there’s egg on my face. Because when I was at Bohemian Grove I ate the world’s last dodo egg at the omelette bar. And then drank a mimosa out of Geronimo’s skull.'”
stephen colbert
“It’s wild that they were inspired to do this because of the Alabama Supreme Court ruling that everyone hated. That’s like if you ask a comedian why they got into stand-up and they say, ‘I loved Kramer’s set at the Laugh Factory.'”
jordan klepper
Grifting Toward Fascism
Campaign season sees the Trump campaign attempting to find the fundraising sweet spot between the candidate’s all-caps tirades and more traditional appeals for much-needed cash. (Reports that Trump is funneling donations directly into his own pocket also complicates things a bit.)
“[On a YouTuber Bible reviewer condemning Trump’s high-priced God Bless the USA Bible] “We have a pastor saying he wished the Bible didn’t exist because of Donald Trump. That’s an accomplishment.”
jimmy kimmel
[On a Trump fundraising email whose “I love you” subject line was followed by a sales pitch for “RED MAGA HAT”] “So beautiful. It reminds me of Shakespeare’s famous sonnet, ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? BUICK LeSABRE!'”
stephen colbert
[On Trump plugging Logan Paul’s energy drink while planning to appear on the controversial YouTuber’s podcast] “It sounds like a joke but that is the circle of hell we live in.”
jimmy kimmel
“I think we just found his campaign slogan: Trump 2024—This Is What We’re Reduced To.”
jordan klepper
Beep-Boop, We’re Doomed
Don’t get Stephen Colbert started on artificial intelligence. Or do, since the Late Show host had some pretty good material springing form Apple’s newly announced cannonball into the AI waters.
“Oh, here’s a little story from the future of tech—thanks to tech there is no future.”
stephen colbert
“One expert on artificial intelligence predicted there’s a 99.9 percent chance of AI leading to human extinction within the next hundred years. Then again, AI advocates are quick to point out, ‘Check out this picture of Scooby-Doo making out with Ronald Reagan on a jet ski!'”
stephen colbert
“Starting this week, Apple announced that it’s starting to add a little AI to many of its core apps and devices, and they’re calling it Apple Intelligence. So much better than their previous operating system, Apple Dumbass.”
stephen colbert
[On Apple’s panned AI-aided make-your-own emoji feature] “No, uh-uh. No new emojis until we finish using all the ones we already have. I’m looking at you, small trolley with pantograph electrical connection, mountain cable car, and aerial tramway. ‘You up? Because I’m feelin’ aerial tramway.'”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“The 2024 presidential election is fast approaching. As hard as it is to believe, in just five months the candidates will be even older.”
stephen colbert
“Tomorrow is Donald Trump’s 78th birthday. Down at Mar-a-Lago they’re planning a big party with candy ankle monitors and a bouncy courthouse.”
jimmy fallon
“This Sunday is Father’s Day. It’s a lot like Mothers Day in that your mom organized the plans for both.”
stephen colbert
“I saw a new study that said that the average social media user is part of 83 different group chats. So if you’re only in 82, that 83rd is talking smack about you.”
jimmy fallon
[On the universally dire approval ratings of the G7 world leaders in their own countries] “It’s nice to know that in a time where so much divides us, one thing that binds us all together in our shared humanity is looking up at the person we elected and sayin, ‘Man, f*ck that guy.'”
jordan klepper
[On South Dakota Governor and confessed dog-murderer Kristi Noem reportedly being left off of Trump’s VP list] “She tried her best. I mean, she begged. She even gave Trump puppy dog eyes. Literally, she sent him a box of puppy dog eyes.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump calling RNC host city Milwaukee “a horrible city”] “Hey! I may not be from Wisconsin but I am from Michigan, and let me just say, don’t mess with the Midwest, buddy. We will politely ask you to please stop and then thank you in advance and that’s a threat!”
jordan klepper
[On the upcoming celestial nova explosion coming sometime between now and September] “The last time two stars collided this violently it was Kendrick Lamar and Drake.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the Washington Post‘s controversial new editor-in chief, Will Lewis’ orders for the paper to hush up his past phone hacking scandal] “Leading the Washington Post to change it’s slogan from ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’ to to ‘Turn Off the Lights, Shhh, This Will Be Over Soon.'”
stephen colbert
[On Lewis’ past and present media employers, Rupert Murdoch and Jeff Bezos] “Thats’ quite a string of bosses. In college he had an internship with the eyeball guy from Pan’s Labyrinth.”
stephen colbert
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