Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Don’t Cross the Stormy
Today was the cross-examination of adult film star and onetime Donald Trump sexual partner Stormy Daniels in a Manhattan courtroom in the former President’s trial on election fraud felony charges. And from all accounts it did not go well for team Trump, as the defiant Daniels responded to Trump lawyer Susan Necheles’ predictable efforts at slut-shaming and her attempts to tar Daniels with being an attention and money-seeking opportunist with some unflappable comebacks worthy of what Jimmy Kimmel termed, “The Stormy Daniels Roast of Donald Trump’s Penis.”
With a fuming (and occasionally napping) Trump sitting mere feet away, Daniels continued her account of the night when the married Trump enticed her to his hotel suite with promise of dinner and a shot on his celebrity game show, culminating in the sort of anticlimactic encounter the former President had to hear recounted into the public record again and again. Meanwhile, Trump’s lawyers appear to still be pursuing the defense that noted womanizer Trump never actually did the deed with Daniels, even as staunch supporter Ted Cruz went on Fox to hand-wave the whole affair by saying that everyone knows what a he-manly adultery fan Trump is. As Kimmel noted, “Thanks, Ted. That’s gonna make Mother’s Day with Melania a lot of fun this year.”
[On Cruz calling the trial a “smear job”] “First of all, a ‘smear job’ is one of the things Trump paid hush money to cover up.”
seth meyers
[On Daniels’ detailed description her encounter with Trump] “‘Missionary.’ No wonder Trump has locked up the evangelical voting bloc.”
jon stewart
[On Daniels’ unflappability] “But his was not her first rodeo. And they would have known that if they’d seen her movie, My Third Rodeo.”
stephen colbert
“Tell us more.” [Clip of Lawrence O’Donnell saying the phrase, “not wearing a condom”] “Don’t tell us any more.”
jon stewart
“Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. And Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Daniels responding, “I would have written it to be a lot better” to Trump’s lawyer suggesting her story is fiction] “Damn… so in addition to hearing about it the jury got to see her spank Trump in real time.”
stephen colbert
[On Daniels responding, “Nobody would ever want to publicly say that” to Trump’s lawyer accusing her of seeking publicity by claiming to sleep with Trump] “That’s why on Don Jr’s birth certificate, the father is listed as ‘no comment.'”
stephen colbert
“Trump’s lawyers are still going with this ‘he didn’t have sex with her’ fairy tale. This is a guy who’s been sued hundreds of times for not playing plumbers, for stiffing dishwashers, painters, waiters, bartenders, even his own lawyers. We’re supposed to believe he handed a 130 thousand dollar check to a porn star for no reason?”
jimmy kimmel
“Today’s cross-examination was described as heated and intense, which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.”
Jimmy fallon
[On Trump appearing to once more fall asleep during Daniels’ testimony] “Because in real life you can’t fast forward the scenes where the actors are talking.”
seth meyers
The Worms Crawl In, the Words Come Out
Independent presidential candidate and noted conspiracy theorist Robert F. Kennedy Jr continued to try to explain just why the revelation that he suffered an episode of literal brain-eating worm infestation didn’t disqualify him from the country’s highest office. (He had no comment on why his thoughts on how the Covid vaccine doesn’t target Jews, how fluoridation causes transgenderism, or any of the myriad other loopy nonsense plots he routinely proclaims to Joe Rogan similarly do not disqualify him.) With Kennedy tweeting out a puzzling challenge to “eat 5 more brain worms” before beating President Biden and Donald Trump in a debate, hosts were left to ponder how best to make fun of a guy who, again, admits a worm ate a hole in his brain.
“Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr posted on X yesterday and said “I offer to eat 5 more brain worms and still beat Donald Trump and President Biden in a debate.’ And this can’t be good, his supporters have already made it a TikTok challenge.”
seth meyers
“It’s the most shocking political revelation since Ross Perot’s campaign slogan, ‘There’s a leech on my butt that controls my thoughts!'”
stephen colbert
“So, let me just go through my list of Kennedy family quotes…”
seth meyers
“Now, I talked about this yesterday and I was prepared to let dead brain-worms lie. But now RFK Jr has responded and, as you might imagine, his response is not as sharp as it might have been before the worm got snacky.”
stephen colbert
It’s a Fabulous Fox-y Freakout
Of course, current events aren’t all porn stars and brain-worms. As Jon Stewart noted on The Daily Show, conservative media and Republican elected officials still found plenty of time, when not either assiduously ignoring or strenuously defending their chosen leader’s humiliating felony trial, to rail furiously against the other greatest threats to Western society. That being, as all red-blooded Americans know, kitchen appliances and the Boy Scouts.
That’s right, the dastardly Biden administration has declared war on gas stoves. Except that the Department of Energy merely issued recommended efficiency standards that 97 percent of existing appliances already meet, while Republicans spent the week grandstanding once more by claiming that Joe Biden was going to outlaw your family oven. As for the Scouts, right-wing pundits were enraged by the youth group’s decision to change its name to Scouting America, claiming the switch is evidence of… something?
“Look, no disrespect to any of these f**king idiots, but I think we can move household appliances down on the ‘threat to democracy’ list.”
jon stewart
[In Braveheart accent] “They can take our lives, but they can never take our cooktops!”
jon stewart
[To GOP legislators] “You people are f**king children. That came out wrong.”
jon stewart
[After a clip of Sean Hannity bombastically pronouncing the Boy Scouts “dead”] “Oh my God, the Boy Scouts are dead! While we were all fixated on the titillating details of the Stormy Daniels testimony, the Boy Scouts all died! I’m assuming in a terrible s’mores explosion engineered by one Joseph Charles Manson Biden!”
jon stewart
“Oh, the Boy Scouts are alive. They just rebranded as an organization, partly because they started letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they had a giant molestation scandal… Rebranding is a tried-and-true formula for many organizations. It’s why the Catholic Church now goes by ‘Gary.'”
jon stewart
[In response to one conservative critic in particular] “Okay, I don’t want to break character here or anything, but this motherf**ker… This guy who is blaming the Left for the loss of our institutions where young boys can become strong men, his name is Matt Schlapp. You may remember him. He’s the head of the American Conservative Union. You may remember that as the strong man who was sued—this guy was sued by another fella for non-consensually grabbing his d**k in 2022. Yeah. That only got dropped after a reported $480 thousand settlement. The point being, when this guy talks the depravity of our institutions, he knows of which he speaks.”
jon stewart
Noem-Where to Hide
South Daokta Governor Kristi Noem continues to try to salvage both her book sales and her Vice Presidential chances in the wake of that whole, “I shot my puppy in the face because it wasn’t good at hunting” thing. It’s almost admirable—except that she shot her puppy in the face.
“South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem reportedly cancelled a book tour interview today with Real Clear Politics due to ‘inclement weather.’ Let me guess—s**t storm?”
seth meyers
“It’s raining cats and dogs?”
seth meyers
“Oh, just cats.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
[After Donald Trump said all Jews who voted for Biden should be “ashamed”] “My apologies to you, rabbi. Thank you so much for taking time out of your condom-less porn star hush money trial to deliver a shame lecture to Jews. I will reflect on your moral standing next Yom Kippur.”
jon stewart
“The streaming services Disney+, Hulu, and Max announced yesterday that they will be available as a bundle. The new service will be called TV. It’s just TV again, guys, I don’t know what to tell you.”
seth meyers
“A medal-shaped peanut butter cup. That’s less, ‘I’m competing for the Olympics,’ more,’I’m competing for the Ozempics.'”
jimmy fallon
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