Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
There’s Really No Debate
There was still great gnashing of GOP teeth even days after Kamala Harris took down a blustering, flustered, racist-conspiracy-spewing Trump in front of more than 67 million TV viewers, giving late-night hosts plenty of schadenfreude to bat around like so many delighted kitties Thursday night.
Stephen Colbert described Tuesday’s presidential debate as the time “When [Vice President Kamala Harris] shook Donald Trump’s hand and then handed him his ass.” That’s an assessment shared by some 63 percent of viewers according to a CNN poll, and 100 percent of viewers not currently mortgaging their homes to buy Trump’s sloppily edited new $99 coffee table book. ($499 with a signature.)
Yes, it was a good old fashioned stomping party, with only the staunchest aspirants for Donald Trump’s Kim Jong Un-esque favor denying the humiliating-for-Trump truth, and even hardcore Trump fans like RFK Jr admitting that their big seditious boy got his butt whooped but good. (Perennial GOP sucker-fish Karl Rove noted in an editorial published in the Wall Street Journal of all places, “There’s no putting lipstick on this pig,” an admirably factual statement that nonetheless shows how cringe-worthy it is when a rich old white guy tries to sound folksy.)
Oh, and Donald Trump, despite his earlier boast that he’d debate Kamala Harris “anytime, anyplace,” announced on Thursday that, actually, he’d rather not debate her again, thank you very much.
[On the debate drawing Super Bowl-level TV ratings] “That makes sense because the winner of the Super Bowl and the debate were both endorsed by Taylor Swift.”
stephen colbert
“It might be the first time in his life that Trump was praying for low ratings.”
jimmy fallon
“In a CNN poll taken immediately after the debate, 63 percent said Harris won, and 37 percent said Trump won. Which of course means that 37 percent of Americans don’t own TVs.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump whining that the ABC moderators actually fact-checking his outrageous lies meant he was debating from a “three-to-one” disadvantage] “And he’s right, it was three against one. Trump got humiliated by Kamala, the moderators, and by himself primarily.”
jimmy kimmel
[After Trump complained that he got fact-checked more than Harris] “You’re so close to getting it. ‘When you look at the fact that they were correcting me on everything and not correcting her, it can mean only one of two things. Either they were biased against me, or I was just saying insane things that were wrong—Oh God, Oh God. Ohh, is that it? Oh no, oh God. Did I say more factually untrue things? Oh I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies.'”
seth meyers
[On Sean Hannity predicting a “0.001 percent chance” Harris would succeed in rattling Trump at the debate] “You might want to move that decimal point five spaces to the right.”
seth meyers
“Hannity’s like an inveterate gambler telling you he bet all his money on a really sick racehorse. ‘His name’s Ricky the Rocket and he’s a lock to win. Sure, he’s got horse flu but he’s really adjusting well to his new wooden leg. Plus he’s blind, so that heightens all his other senses, like running. What do you mean running isn’t a sense? Oooooh, I gotta get my money back! [Starting bell sounds] Awwww, he blew up!'”
seth meyers
[On Trump closing a social media post citing unnamed polls showing him in a landslide debate win, and concluding with “WOW…”] “All right, but ‘wow’ can mean a lot of different things. ‘Oh, you graduated at the top of your class? Wow! You spent the valedictorian speech shouting about people eating pets? Wow…'”
stephen colbert
“Members of Trump’s inner circle think another debate would be a bad idea. They say his performance was so disappointing he doesn’t know whether to call it Eric of Don Jr. at this point.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yup, Harris wanted a second debate with Trump while Trump wanted a second debate with Biden.”
jimmy fallon
“I guess when you eat as many buckets of chicken as Donald Trump does, eventually you turn into one.”
jimmy kimmel
“Oh, you know J.D. Vance is gonna try to keep Trump away from Springfield, Ohio now because he is clearly a little scaredy cat.”
stephen colbert
You Can’t Spell Hypocrisy Without GOP
I mean, you can, but it’s still always amusing/infuriating to watch how shamelessly Republicans and other Donald Trump sycophants will deny reality—even their own blinkered version thereof from the recent past—in order to curry favor with their would-be dictator daddy. After Trump got creamed on Tuesday, right-wing talking heads have stubbornly insisted that their candidate did not come off like a woefully unprepared, easily baited, red-faced serial liar and whiny post-debate man-baby, bless ’em.
And that laughably blatant hypocrisy extends to anything that reflects poorly on Trump, with Fox News pundits getting fact-checked themselves with past clips of them saying the exact opposite things when it benefits Trump, or in some cases, displaying a bald-faced denial so egregious you almost have to admire their bootlicking technique. And the rare MAGA figure willing to concede that Donald Trump came off poorly could only steel themselves for the wrath of Trump and his fanatical mob of truth deniers.
[After J.D. Vance dismissed Taylor Swift’s endorsement of Kamala Harris by claiming Americans won’t be swayed by a billionaire celebrity disconnected from the common folk] “‘Yeah, can you imagine people relating to a celebrity billionaire? Someone who’s been on Time magazine, or hosted SNL, or been in a Kanye West music video. I can’t imagine anybody being impressed with that. I’m J.D. Vance and I have no sense of irony.'”
jordan klepper
[On Vance] “And yeah, he knows what you’re thinking [puts up photo of Trump], but he’s not a billionaire.”
seth meyers
[On Vance’s sour grapes denial that he doesn’t even care what Taylor Swift thinks] “And the surest way to know someone doesn’t care is when they keep telling you how much they don’t care. ‘I mean, I don’t care that Julie married a dentist named Chet Marianichi who lives at 272 Willis Avenue, is into scuba diving, and has a labradoodle named Nugget. Shh, here he comes. [Mimes looking through binoculars] Ohhh, f**k you, Nugget.'”
stephen colbert
“Following his rough debate, Trump’s inner circle is now doing damage control. I’m sorry, you work for Donald Trump, when are you not doing damage control?”
jimmy fallon
[On Fox News’ Jeanine Pirro similarly pooh-poohing celebrity endorsements] “Okay, okay, a little harsh. But Judge Jeanine Pirro has standards. She’s not gonna be impressed by some celebrity taking a political stance. That’s not something that’s going to excite her, ever. [Clip of Pirro gloating over The Rock not endorsing Biden] Okaaay, you know, look. You really expect Judge Jeanine to remember what she said four months ago? I’m pretty sure she’s had a Pacific Ocean amount of white wine since then.”
jordan klepper
“Here’s the difference between Democrats and the Frank Frazetta fantasy world occupied by those who worship Donald Trump. When Joe Biden slipped into a coma and started dreaming about sarsaparilla during the debate, we acknowledged it. He acknowledged it. He said, ‘I had a bad night,’ and they sent him to live on a farm upstate.”
jimmy kimmel
[After former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy insisted Trump “controlled himself more than normal” during the debate] “Your argument is that was better than normal? ‘Look, I’ve hung out with him behind closed doors and he usually talks about people eating dogs way more than that. I mean, it’s basically the only topic of conversation. You know, ‘Do sheepdogs taste like lamb?’ ‘Do wiener dogs taste like wieners, and if so, should you eat them on a bun?’ Stuff like that.'”
seth meyers
[After McCarthy, again, claimed that Trump’s debacle was like planning a wedding that doesn’t go as planned, but “nobody notices”] “No, we definitely noticed. It was more like a New Jersey Italian wedding where the groom is on his third glass of red wine and the best man makes a joke about their bachelor days and the groom jumps over the table and says, ‘You son of a bitch!,’ and the bride says, ‘Tony, don’t do it!,’ and the groom says, ‘Which Tony, me or him?,’ and the best man says, ‘You wanna go?,’ and they start wailing on each other, and the groom’s mother screams, ‘Oh my God, cut it out, you freakin’ stugots!,’ and then the best man cries and the groom cries, and they hug it out, and the groom says, ‘I love you, bro,’ and the best man says, ‘I love you, bro,’ and then they pass out and the bride says, ‘Tony, wake up you freakin’ goombah!,’ and he wakes up and he says, ‘Oooooohhhh, what happened?,’ and his mother says, ‘Don’t worry, Tony, it’s a wedding, nobody saw it.'”
Seth meyers
“Even the weirdos who support Donald Trump, like bear carcass collector and brain-worm Gymboree RFK Jr, even they had to admit that Harris had a much better night.”
seth meyers
“Surprisingly cogent analysis from Kennedy there. Is it possible that he ate a second, smarter brain-worm?”
stephen colbert
[That may be, but RFK only conceded that Harris excelled in the fields of poise, preparedness, and style, while Trump prevailed on “substance”] “On substance? Anyone who thinks Trump won that debate on substance is clearly on a substance.”
stephen colbert
[On an interviewer asking Kennedy, in light of Trump’s performance, whether he “hooked up with the wrong horse”] “How dare you, sir. RFK Jr would never hook up with a horse. No, he would wait in the bushes until a horse was hit by a car, and then they would eat the horse.”
stephen colbert
[On Donald Trump desecrating an American flag with a Sharpie] “Can you imagine the outrage if Kamala signed a fla—Sean Hannity would be in the hospital right now. He’d be in the hospital punching himself in the face.”
jimmy kimmel
The Enemy of My Enemy Is Still Human Garbage
Donald Trump attended the Ground Zero memorial on Wednesday in New York, as did President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. And, sure, Trump has never before made this ceremonial show of respect for the first responders and other victims of the most violent terrorist attack on America apart from that that time his own yahoos stormed the Capitol building on January 6th. And, okay, Trump was caught fidgeting and winking his way through the somber ceremony like a tetchy tween who’s phone was confiscated in advance. But at least the former President and 34-times convicted felon made a show of paying his respec—Wait, what’s that now?
Oh yeah, Trump toted along his most recent constant companion, ultra right-wing internet troll and Republican candidate too batsh*t crazy to get elected to office—even in Florida—Laura Loomer.
For those lucky enough not to know who Laura Loomer is, the self-described activist routinely posts the most gutter-foul hate speech on social media (Elon Musk refuses to ban her, naturally), stages incompetent stunts like storming a production of Julius Caesar for allegedly being mean to Trump, and, oh yeah, is a 9/11 “truther” who thinks that the deadliest terrorist attack on American soil was “an inside job.”
Loomer even managed to incur the ire of none other than fellow hate speech enthusiast and screeching nutcase, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (who is apparently just the right kind of racist for Georgia). After Loomer posted an even-for-her racist slur against Kamala Harris’ Indian heritage, Greene surprisingly took offense, calling out Trump’s newest, bestest buddy for “attacking people for their race.” (Insert GIF of Jim Halpert staring into the camera.]
“Donald Trump has been flying around the country with far-right internet troll Laura Loomer, a 9/11 conspiracy theorist who Trump brought to a 9/11 ceremony yesterday. A 9/11 truther at a 9/11 ceremony. Is that like an atheist going to Easter mass? ‘Well, I don’t believe in any of this, but as long as you guys are having fun.'”
jordan klepper
“Do you know what a vomit you have to be to get called out by Marjorie Taylor Greene?”
jimmy Kimmel
“If you want an idea of just how extreme Loomer is, Marjorie Taylor Greene is calling her out for being racist. And not even in a ‘stop stealing my bit’ kind of way.”
jordan klepper
[After Green claimed Loomer’s racist attack on Harris “does not represent Donald Trump”] “It doesn’t? I feel like it does. I kind of fee like it captures his essence exquisitely.”
jimmy kimmel
“I didn’t even know there was a level of racist above Marjorie Taylor Greene. It’s like finding out a movie can be rated NC-39.”
jordan klepper
[After Loomer doubled down on the latest GOP racial slur about dog-eating by claiming that Haitians eat people] “They’ve traded the dog whistle in for a tuba, folks.”
jimmy kimmel
Hat’s Sort of Sweet
MAGA social media went into a frenzy of the most obvious, hacky old age jokes on Wednesday after President Biden put on a Donald Trump hat. (A note to late-night hosts: If your “Biden is old” material is getting cribbed by Trump fans, it may be time to up your game a bit ) Naturally, the story behind the photo of a smiling Biden with a “Trump 2024” baseball cap perched on his head has more to it than the braying right-wing ding-dongs suggested, coming as it did as part of a strangely heartening back-and-forth with a similarly elderly Trump fan.
Autographing a Biden hat for a bearded MAGA man attending the 9/11 ceremony, Biden and the guy sparred in mostly good-natured old guy friendliness before a gracious Biden popped the Trump hat on his head. Sure, the Trump guy did joke that Biden couldn’t remember his own name to give the autograph (MAGA gonna MAGA), but, in the end, Jordan Klepper took the exchange as a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, human decency might have a chance in the end, noting, “See, that’s sort of a nice moment. Two old men from opposite sides coming together to share a laugh while neither of them run for President.”
“You know what, it’s honestly exhausting trying to keep up with the right-wing media’s spinning and its lies. And if you were paying attention yesterday, you probably saw this picture of Joe Biden, where he’s wearing a Trump 2024 hat. And a bunch of Trump fans called him senile and demented, which was mean, and also a weird thing to say to a guy for wearing your candidate’s hat.”
jordan klepper
[Donning aviators as Biden and noting that Biden gave good-natured ribbing as good as he got] “‘No way, Jack. Uh uh. You take that Jack, I might not be the bet debater but I can still zing you at the old hat chat.'”
stephen colbert
“Joe Biden was at an event honoring the first responders on September 11th. And several people at the event were wearing Trump shirts. Which frankly is a cool thing about America. I mean, nobody in Russia is meeting Vladimir Putin wearing a Navalny shirt, you know? If they do, they’re not leaving through the door.”
jordan klepper
“When he put that Trump hat on his head, he gave everyone in QAnon a brain aneurysm at once.”
jimmy kimmel
“I tell you what, if you ask me, this is what you want form the President of the United States when he meets a voter on the other side. He doesn’t get mad at him, he doesn’t try to hard sell him. He just shows warmth and a bit of empathy. And they did a remarkable thing that you don’t see among two people on opposite sides these days—they had a laugh. And with a simple exchange of hats, they were able to share something much more meaningful. Lice.”
jordan klepper
Potpourri
“Ben and Jerry’s just unveiled a new Kamala Harris-inspired ice cream flavor called Coconut Jubilee. I have a feeling Biden is madder about this than the election.”
jimmy fallon
[On an accidentally repeated caption in Trump’s coffee table book] “How incompetent do you have to be to use the same caption twice? Do you know what this means? Donald Trump actually wrote this book.”
stephen colbert
“The $1.1 billion Mega Millions jackpot won six months ago in New Jersey still hasn’t been claimed. It’s Jersey, so that leaves two possibilities. Either the ticket’s missing or the guy is.”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump hawking a new crypto scam] “The venture is called World Liberty Financial, which is a name just generic enough that your grandparents will think they’re paying their insurance bill.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the recently endorsed Harris campaign selling Taylor Swift friendship bracelets] “And not to be outdone, Trump’s campaign is now selling friendship ankle monitors.”
jimmy fallon
[On RFK Jr. famously protesting that he never ate a dog—and would never eat a human] “Also, nobody eats humans. That doesn’t make you discerning. You eat roadkill. You’re weird. When RFK Jr. is hungry, he orders a small salad on Uber Eats and hopes the driver hits something on the way over.”
seth meyers
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