This week’s stripped down late-night crew had their hands full Thursday night, as each of the three hosts on duty reviewed the week’s biggest Trump Administration news, from the long-awaited release of the JFK files, to the the continued purge of all references to anything vaguely resembling DEI on governmant websites, to GOP-led efforts to prop up Elon Musk’s beleaguered car company. Here’s our end-of-the-week rundown.
Jordan Klepper
If the Daily Show host’s Thursday monologue had a theme, it was competence. Specifically, Donald Trump’s repeated campaign promise that competence (or “real competence” as he stressed on Fox News) would be the watchword of his second administration. You can guess where he went with that.
“Yes, yes! The more that you say something is real, the more people believe you. ‘My real, real girlfriend lives in real Canada. She’s not just sort of my girlfriend, she’s my real girlfriend. She’s real and I touched her real boobies.'”
“Whoah, man. It looks like 304-55-6622 is really upset about that leak. Social Security numbers, addresses, full names—the only thing that wasn’t in the JFK papers was who killed JFK.”
on trump’s release of the classified jfk files thoroughly doxing lawyer joseph digenova, one of his staunchesT supporters
“Trump’s poor, poor lawyer. He’s probably like, ‘I never would have represented you in your 2020 election fraud case if I knew you’d be untrustworthy.'”
“‘Yeah, don’t blame us, blame our racist software.We should have never used ChatKKK.'”
on officials blaming A computer error for deleting pentagon references to jackie robinson’s racism-related court martial
“That’s how lazy they were with this. They just Control-F-ed for gay sounding keywords and deleted anything that showed up. Now kids won’t know anything about the Enola Gay, they won’t know about transport planes, and they won’t know about the heroic service of Captain Grindr McScissoring.”
“What’s really tragic is they could have avoided all this if they’d just named the plane Enola Gay No Homo.”
Moving on to “Republican sugar daddy” Elon Musk, Klepper played a series of clips including Trump’s Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick and various Fox News types openly shilling for Tesla.
“Yeah! You hear that, people who don’t buy a $30,000 robot that isn’t on the market yet and will probably strangle you in your sleep? You’re gonna look silly.”
“These poor everyday Fox viewers must be so confused. They came here for the xenophobia and the pretty ladies and now they have to mortgage their house to get a robot with a thigh gap.”
“Nice! Pretty soon, even Fox is going to stop saying, ‘Merry Christmas,’ and replace it with ‘Happy Tesla December to Remember Sales Event.'”
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel summed up another week of Trump administration news this way: “The sheer tonnage of all the dumb and damaging things they’re doing, it’s hard to wrap your head around.”
“Trump famously said he loves the poorly educated, and now he will have so many more people to love.”
on the administration’s plans to eliminate the department of education
“They’re like, ‘Hey kids, who hates school?’ And they’re like, ‘We do.’ And they’re like, ‘Good news, it’s over.'”
on trump using school kids as backdrop for his executive order
“For instance, from here on, to receive a high school diploma in Florida, all you have to do is complete the maze on the back of the kids’ menu at Fuddruckers.”
on trump’s plan to let states make up their own education standards
“Right, Jackie Robinson was just a baseball player. There’s nothing special about him. Rosa Parks just loved to ride the bus.”
on pentagon official john ullyot defending the deletion of jackie robinson’s military record
“Imagine how racist you have to be to be racist against Jackie Robinson… today.”
After his comments about Tesla vandalism the other night provoked a, well, firestorm of Fox News condemnation, Kimmel doubled down.
“I mentioned last night, multiple Teslas were burned at a Tesla facility in Las Vegas. Authorities are now investigating which Teslas were set on fire and which set themselves on fire.”
“But the MAGA gang, which has been very against any sort of violent protest ever since January… seventh, was it?”
“‘But if you try to taser a cop on the steps of the Capitol, we’ve got your back, don’t worry about that.'”
on attorney general pam bondi threatening to come down hard on anyone vandalizing a tesla
And Kimmel tossed in one more reminder of Trump scandals past, just for old times’ sake.
“Today just so happens to be Barron’s birthday. He turns 19 years old today, which means Trump’s affair with Stormy Daniels just turned 18 years old and eight months.”
Jimmy Fallon
And to round things, out, the Tonight Show host summed up the week in Trump, Musk… and brand eating.
“It’s dangerous. I mean, if the roof blows off, people could see you in a Cybertruck.”
on a design flaw PROMPTING the recall of thousands of cybertrucks
“It’s a historic move that, years from now, kids will not read about in history textbooks.”
on trump attempting to abolish the department of education
“When the Diet Coke didn’t show up, he was like, ‘Maybe that was the nuclear button. Oops.'”
on trump showing fox news his oft-referenced beverage button
“Meanwhile, Cracker Barrel was like, ‘We shouldn’t…'”
on edible arrangements selling edibles
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