Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Late-Night Vice Squad
Tuesday’s late night was dominated by Tuesday’s prime time, as three hosts (Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show‘s Michael Kosta, and Jimmy Kimmel) took to their stages live (or in Kimmel’s case, close to it) to offer their hot takes on the Vice Presidential debate that had concluded less than an hour earlier. (Seth Meyers and Jimmy Fallon aired pre-taped episodes, opting to focus their monologues on the lead up to the debate.)
With the presidential election a mere 33 days away as of this writing, Tuesday night’s undercard fight was perhaps the last major opportunity for those pesky undecided voters to lurch themselves into somehow having an opinion, and for the rest of an entrenched America to pick apart to cross their fingers for that one definitive gotcha moment.
As for the hosts offering up on-the-night commentary on the mostly by-the-numbers showdown between Minnesota Governor Tim Walz and Ohio Senator J.D. Vance, the verdict was a resounding “Eh.” Let’s go to the comedy scorecard.
Don’t Believe the Hype
While a Vice Presidential debate comes down to two people chosen to plug up leaks in the real candidates’ regional and demographic appeal, news organizations were pretty adamant that this would be a knock-down, drag-out political slobberknocker for the ages. (To be fair, Kamala Harris did knock the slobber out of Donald Trump just a few weeks ago in the Presidential debate.)
In the end, tonight’s debate saw both candidates more or less playing nice. Which, as Jimmy Kimmel noted, didn’t exactly make for riveting television. “Walz and Vance, they stuck to the issues, they showed each other a lot of respect. It was boring, I’ll be honest.”
“Before we get into the actual debate, it’s important to remember how high the stakes were tonight. They… they weren’t that high.”
michael kosta
“It was the most vice-important night of the entire campaign. The vice-citement was palpable. These two men were both a heartbeat away from being interesting this evening.”
stephen colbert
“Tonight’s debate had no studio audience. Not for fairness, they just couldn’t get anyone to go.”
jimmy fallon
“Tonight’s Vice Presidential debate between Minnesota Governor Tim Walz and Ohio Senator J.D. Vance did not include an audience. Which, because of his rallies, gave Vance home court advantage.”
seth meyers
“Watching a Vice Presidential debate is like taking your kids apple picking. About halfway through you’re like, ‘Okay, you know what, this sounded like it was gonna be fun, but what’s the point?'”
jimmy kimmel
“One of these men will lose and we’ll never hear from him again. And the other one will become VP and we’ll never hear from him again.”
michael kosta
“The VP candidates were both different flavors of dull. J.D. Vance looked like a business lemur on beta blockers, and Tim Walz was, you know, the old likable coach, but appeared to be way over-caffeinated. I think the Governor done overdid doin’ the Dew.”
stephen colbert
“But seriously, to see two candidates being civil to each other even though they disagree, it was surprising, and personally, boring as sh*t.”
michael kosta
[After a clip of Vance claiming he agrees with some of the Harris-Walz proposals] “‘And thats why I’m voting for Harris-Walz 2024! Wait, no! Aw shoot, Trump’s gonna send a mob to hang me isn’t he?'”
stephen colbert
[After a montage of networks pumping up anticipation with breathless promises that this would be “the most important Vice Presidential debate in modern American political history,” and so forth] “‘If you were using your TV outlet for your grandma’s life support, it’s time to pull the plug on that bitch!'”
michael kosta
“The most crucial VP debate in history? The only other VP debate in history anyone remembers is the time the time that a fly got stuck on Mike Pence’s head. The bar is low.”
michael kosta
“People you’ve barely heard of on a national stage. Usually we call that Dancing With the Stars.”
jimmy fallon
“I read that ahead of the debate, Tim Walz has been nervous that he was going to let Kamala Harris down. Harris was like, ‘Don’t worry. If Joe Biden could be replaced, so can you.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Walz trying to temper pre-debate expectations by claiming he’s a bad debater’ who’s afraid to disappoint Kamala Harris] “Okay, that might be lowering expectations too much. Tim, you want to be more like, ‘My opponent is a slick talker,’ not, ‘Me talk bad, disappoint pretty lady.'”
michael kosta
[Meanwhile, in Vance’s camp] “‘Now remember, Mr. Trump, the goal is to subtly suggest that J.D. Vance might have a hard time at the debate because he’s going up against a skilled debater. Show us. [Clip of Trump saying, “He’s going up against a moron”] Crushed it.'”
michael kosta
“But Trump really tried to encourage his VP before the debate. He told J.D. Vance, ‘Remember just don’t be yourself.'”
jimmy fallon
When They Go High, We Get Creative
Hosts might have conceded that both candidates largely chose to forego their running mates’ fiery clashes in their debate, but that doesn’t mean they had to like it. And while J.D. Vance’s performance showed that his pre-debate “act like a human boy” lessons mostly took, late-night hosts weren’t buying it.
“There’s Tim Walz, Minnesota Governor and the neighbor from Home Improvement. And J.D. Vance, Ohio Senator and guy with the social skills of Chat GPT.”
michael kosta
[On Pete Buttigieg playing Vance in debate prep] “He must hate the idea that a gay man was playing him. And wearing less eyeliner than he does, too.”
jimmy kimmel
“It was the ultimate showdown tonight between two very different Midwestern vibes. Hillbilly versus Minnesota nice. Attack dog versus folk hero. America’s dad versus America’s ‘Dad could you come pick me up, JD Vance just walked in here.'”
stephen colbert
“We just got finished watching the Vice Presidential debate between two men who couldn’t be much more different. One of them called Donald Trump a reprehensible idiot who shouldn’t be president. The other is Tim Walz.”
jimmy kimmel
“On paper, they have a lot in common. They’re both Midwestern dads, they both have military backgrounds, they both hate Donald Trump.”
michael kosta
“It was weird to see Tim Walz being so serious. I kept expecting him to reach down behind his podium and come up with a corn dog and a baby pig.”
jimmy kimmel
“Wow, Tim Walz has really stolen every Republican’s schtick, you know? He’s folksy, into cars, hunts, he quotes the Bible, you know? What’s next, are we going to find out he’s the webmaster of NudeAfrica.com?”
michael kosta
[Trying to lure Tim Walz down the block to The Late Show] “Come on over, sir. To sweeten the pot, I’ve got a free can of Diet Mountain Dew and this alternator that I don’t know how to fix.”
stephen colbert
[Same offer to Vance] “No no, it’s only fair. J.D., I’ll offer you the Diet Mountain Dew as well, plus [sexy music swells] we have the sexiest chairs in late night. Oh yes Senator Vance, it is 100 percent brushed cotton cushions and.. they’re twins.”
stephen colbert
“J.D. Vance hasn’t been under a microscope like this since his wife asked him why the couch was so sticky.”
jimmy kimmel
CBS: QR
CBS took a novel (and highly ridiculed) approach to fact-checking the candidates at Tuesday night’s debate, opting to employ an on-screen QR code leading viewers to an ongoing online fact-check.
That didn’t stop CBS moderators Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan from hopping in to debunk J.D. Vance’s claim that Haitian immigrants in Ohio were “illegal aliens.” The fact that the moderators noted how those immigrants are 100 percent legal through the granting of Temporary Protected Status made for one of the debate’s few exciting moments when the Republican candidate angrily shot back,”the rules were that you were not going to fact check.”
“Yes, a QR code! Perfect journalism. When a candidate tells a lie, why correct it for the 50 million people watching live, just have a link for the 12 nerds who bother scanning it.”
michael kosta
“And I think that a QR code that sometimes took you someplace long after that part of the debate was forgotten is a great idea.”
stephen colbert
“I love that CBS thinks their viewers know how to use a QR code. Their newest show is Matlock.”
jimmy kimmel
[After the moderators cut off the candidates’ mics after Vance persisted in complaining about his fact-check] “Okay now, that’s within the rules but it did seem like they kind of enjoyed it, no?”
michael kosta
“If you keep this up, little misters, I will turn this broadcast center around, then nobody gets to be Vice President.'”
stephen colbert
“Speaking as a voter who’s been watching this campaign for, like, the last 200 years, this might have been my favorite moment. If Nora and Margaret could offer everyone in America a button that would mute politicians, we would elect that ticket.”
michael kosta
[After Brennan’s smiling, “Your mics are cut”] “Ooooh, mic drop, literally.”
stephen colbert
Laugh-Checking the Fact-Checkers
Well, if CBS News is largely going to shirk their fact-checking duties, it’s late-night hosts to the rescue.
[After Vance claimed that Trump peacefully handed over power on January 20, 2021] “Yeah, after his coup failed! That’s like a toddler saying, ‘Look, I went to bed peacefully at 8 p.m. And I think it’s time we stopped focusing on the 45 minutes I spent screaming and biting the babysitter because I wanted more bubbles.'”
stephen colbert
[On Vance touting Trump for promoting “peace around the world” when he was President] “Peace around the world. There wasn’t even peace in this country. The only time there was peace was when we were locked in our house cleaning our vegetables with Clorox wipes.”
michael kosta
“Yes no major conflict. A peaceful time. Free of any major conflict. As we all remember from the January 6 puppy pile.”
stephen colbert
[After Walz shot down Vance’s comparison of Trump’s coup attempt and Hillary Clinton suggesting Russia helped Trump win in 2016] “January 6 was not Facebook ads. But if it were it would be ’10 Weird Tricks to Overthrow the Will of the People. (Mike Pence can’t stand #6.)'”
stephen colbert
[After Vance refused to concede that Trump lost the 2020 election] “‘Yes Tim, I’m focused on the future. Let’s not talk about January 6, 2021. Let’s talk about January 6, 2025. This time we’re bringing two shamans.'”
stephen colbert
[On Vance stating that he doesn’t support the Project 2025 plan to monitor women’s menstruation to prevent abortions] “‘No, I’ll just monitor them myself, starting with you two ladies. Margaret, Nora, when was the first day of your last time of impurity, and did you go outside the village to the moon hut and only return to the village after offering a turtle dove to the elders?'”
stephen colbert
[On Vance’s claim that Republicans ‘support diversity’ by allowing individual states to ban abortion] “Yeah, okay America, you see Republicans do support diversity. Some states think women should have rights and some don’t. It’s the beautiful tapestry of America.”
michael kosta
[After Vance conceded that Ohio voters successfully put abortion rights on the ballot over his objections] “I do support women’s right to choose. For instance, you’re both women. I support your right to cut off my mic so I don’t have to answer any more questions about abortion, please.”
stephen colbert
“You know, it’s difficult to prepare for a debate in general but it’s especially difficult when the other guy might blurt out that Puerto Ricans are poisoning our Halloween candy, or women shouldn’t be allowed to swim during menstruation.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Vance accusing Kamala Harris of wanting to “prosecute nuns” who refuse to perform abortions] “Nuns don’t perform medical procedures. I know that. Because if they did they’d be the stars of CBS’ latest medical drama, OBGY-Nun.”
stephen colbert
[On Vance saying that the answer to school shootings is “doors that lock better”] “‘Unfortunately we have to put a wizard by the door who presents all who wish to enter with riddles three. Also, um, the wizard has a big gun, it’s under the hat.'”
stephen colbert
“When talking about immigration, Walz quoted a book I didn’t think Democrats had ever read. I guess it’s called the Bibble?”
michael kosta
“I was kinda hoping they’d ask the candidates some fun questions. Like, you know they used to do that, like, ‘Is a hot dog a sandwich?’ And then J.D. Vance would stare into the camera and say, ‘When you’re from Haiti, any dog can be a sandwich.'”
jimmy kimmel
In Summation
“In the end, it was 90 minutes of constant talk that made one thing clear. Tonight was like having Thanksgiving with your most nervous uncle and your smuggest nephew. It was unpleasant, awkward, and thankfully you only have to do it once every four years.”
stephen colbert
“This was an oasis of Midwestern nice. And just like Midwestern nice, it was a mask covering deep-seated hatred and resentment. Don’t let 90 minutes of them in a room fool you. These men represent two movements that are at each others’ throats and their visions for America are radically different. So tonight might have been all, ‘I agree,’ and, ‘My friend has a point,’ but tomorrow morning, we’re all going to be back to this. [Pre-debate clip of Trump supporters chanting at women Harris supporters, “Suck my d*ck!”]”
michael kosta
Politics Potpourri
“Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear hosted a Lawyers for Harris reception yesterday in Washington D.C. Meanwhile, lawyers for Trump can’t legally call themselves that any more.”
seth meyers
[On Fox News’ sweaty attempts to come up with some dirt on Tim Walz, this time about him happily hugging Minnesota’s Goldy Gopher football mascot] “Jesse Watters must be a lot of fun at Disney World with the kids, huh? ‘Don’t touch that mouse Bobby, the other boys will think you’re gay!'”
jimmy kimmel
“Former President Trump attended the Alabama football game over the weekend and tossed boxes of chicken tenders into the crowd while they chanted ‘U.S.A.!’ Which is the easiest way to describe this country to someone who’s never been here.”
seth meyers
“Former President Trump this weekend attended the Georgia-Alabama football game and sat in the box with golfer John Daly and musician Kid Rock. Apparently you get to see the game with the president if you collect one billion Marlboro miles.”
seth meyers
“That’s right, they watched the game from a box and had McDonald’s and Domino’s pizza delivered. I mean thank God nobody lit a match. I feel bad for the cleaning crew the next morning. Remember in middle school when it was your turn to rinse out the terrarium and you got hit with that turtle funk? Imagine that times John Daly and Kid Rock.”
seth meyers
[On Walz’s habit of denigrating would-be populist Hillbilly Elegy author Vance’s Ivy League education] “I get what Tim Walz is doing, but ease up a little. The only person who talks about going to Yale more that Tim Walz is everyone who went to Yale.”
michael kosta
“At a rally in Michigan on Friday, former President Trump claimed that nobody knows Vice President Harris’ last name. Well, you know, maybe that’s because nobody’s ever seen it on the news being removed from the side of a building.”
seth meyers
[On a pre-debate Vance implying that Tim Walz doesn’t love his wife because he gave her a handshake onstage] “‘Yeah c’mon Tim, finger blast your wife, dude! Its a rally, not a funeral. A real man greets his wife doggy style, what are you doin’. And to be fair to Tim Walz, in Minnesota, a firm handshake is considered third base.”
michael kosta
“After tonight’s debate, Vice President Harris and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz are set to kick off a bus tour through Central Pennsylvania. But Walz in gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out someone else is driving.”
seth meyers
“In a new interview, Melania Trump said that former President Trump would have liked to have had more kids. Or as he called them, do-overs.”
seth meyers
Regular Potpourri
“New York City officials just warned that, thanks to an aqueduct repair project, the city’s water may taste different. I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, define ‘different.'”
jimmy fallon
“President Biden over the weekend wrote a letter to former President Jimmy Carter for his 100th birthday. A letter, uh, no disrespect, but I think when someone’s about to turn 100, you wanna pick up the phone.”
seth meyers
[On Dunkin’s new 50-piece munchkins plastic Halloween container] “Whether it’s donuts or fried chicken, you know a meal is healthy when it’s served in a bucket.”
jimmy fallon
“Burger King has unveiled its Halloween Menu, while Arby’s has decided their regular menu is scary enough.”
seth meyers
“Satellite service Direct TV announced this week that it will merge with its competitor Dish Network. Unfortunately they announced it during a storm, so no one saw it.”
seth meyers
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