Mon Night Monologues: Trading Sanity for the Other Thing

Late-night hosts were inundated with a weekend of Trump news to sort through for their Monday monologues. As Jimmy Kimmel put it, “All hell has broken loose in almost every conceivable way.” Being professionals, they dug in and took their best swings. Here’s our nightly roundup.

Seth Meyers

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As Meyers summed up with a montage of equally disbelieving newscasters, this weekend saw a deluge of outlandish stories come out of the Trump White House. Among them: Trump started a trade war with two of our closest allies; continued his erasure of Black History Month, trans people, and civil rights protections from government websites; shut down a Justice Department corruption investigation into ally Andy Ogles (R-TN); ordered the firing of hundreds of investigators and FBI agents involved in the January 6 probe; purged the Department of Education and more.

Or, as Meyers noted to kick off his A Closer Look segment with a little fake-out, “Everything is great and it was a very normal weekend. The president is sane and the country is in good hands. For more on this… I’m just f*cking with ya.”

“Trump is dismantling the government like he’s hacking away at a stolen Benz in a chop shop.”

[On House Speaker Hakeem Jeffries scolding those angry at Democrats for not responding with vigor to Trump and Musk’s actions by comparing the Dems to Aaron Judge “not swinging at every pitch”] “Okay first of all, you guys are not Aaron Judge. You’re more like Bartolo Colon. It’s a wonder you can swing without your helmet coming off.”

“Most of Trump’s pitches are 65 miles an hour, right down the center of the plate. Get your bat off your f*ckin’ shoulder.”

[After explaining that Trump’s tariffs penalize American consumers and not Canada and Mexico] “No importer has ever said, ‘You know what, I’m gonna cover this one.'”

[On even Fox News putting up a very long text crawl outlining the many fruits, vegetables, and other agricultural products Trump’s tariffs will raise prices on] “Look at how long this list is, it’s like a commercial for Now That’s What I Call Foods Donald Trump Would Never Eat in His Life.”

[On Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau expressing his country’s collective disbelief over Trump’s trade war against them] “But it’s true. No American wakes up saying, ‘Damn Canada. We should really go after Canada.’ Except for Kendrick Lamar.”

Jon Stewart

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Now some viewers might have interpreted Seth Meyers’ criticism of those calling for more discernment in choosing which of Trump’s outrages to be outraged by as a dig at Meyers’ once-a-week late-night colleague Jon Stewart. (You know, since Stewart indeed said those very words last Monday.)

But The Daily Show host wasn’t checking his swings this Monday, as Stewart took a bead on some of those meatball satirical targets Meyers noted Trump was wafting over the late-night plate. Stewart sent his first dinger in response to the Trump administration demanding all references to transgender Americans be removed from official documentation and that all pronouns be removes from official correspondence, noting, “Those are just the actions that this president has taken to show that he still kind of a dick.” 

[On “LGBT” being cut to just “LGB” on official documents] “‘They have no idea the damage T was doing to our nation. Consonants!'”

“Aw yeah, consonants and pronouns. You’re next, prepositions!”

In his next at-bat, Stewart teed off on the Mexico-Canada tariffs, which the host mocked both for their needlessness and foot-shooting incompetence, but for Trump blaming “terrible trade deals” for his trade war. Cueing up the inevitable 2018 clip of Donald Trump calling the trade deal he signed with Mexico and Canada “the best trade deal… ever made,” Stewart admonished his audience for their anticipatory laughter, exclaiming, “Don’t get ahead of me!”

[On Trump’s choice of nondescript allies to target] “Denmark, Panama, Greenland! The Axis of Where Are Those?”

“Denmark, Panama, and Canada. We’re America. We used to fight the Nazis. Now we’re scouring the globe for easy marks? What are we, the Jake Paul of nations?”

“Mexico I get. Trump’s been hate-f*cking Mexico pretty much since the escalator.”

[On Canada] “We’re picking a fight with our most reliable and pleasant friend? The labradoodle of allies?”

“Take that, best friend…who has willingly signed up to fight in every ridiculous war we’ve ever gotten into.”

“Let that be a lesson to the world—we are a terrible friend.”

[On Trump proclaiming that the only way for Canada to avoid tariffs is to become part of America] “‘Mexico, you send a few troops to the border. But Canada, if you could, I don’t know, cease to exist as an independent entity, fair?'”

Stewart capped off his three-dinger night with another deep shot, this time laying into the administration’s war on diversity. Clubbing Trump and his spokespeople like Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy for jumping to blame DEI hiring practices for the tragic air crash in Washington D.C., Stewart ripped into the administration’s transparent plan to, as Stewart put it, “make the default setting on competence in America a white guy.”

[On former Fox News weekend host Hegseth and former MTV Road Rules contestant Duffy] “Because these two are there purely based on merit. And smarts.”

[On the RNC chair making the same insinuations] “Yes, merit and merit alone, says RNC chairwoman Lara—hold on, let me get my glasses—Trump.”

[On Hegseth and Duffy repeatedly lavishing Trump with praise during the air crash press conference] “That’s the irony of this whole thing. The people standing next to Trump on that terrible night, blaming DEI, and trying to reinstall white guys as the only non-suspect pool of hires are themselves DEI hires for one particular identity that they possess—the ass-kisser.” 

Stephen Colbert

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Sticking with the baseball metaphors, Stephen Colbert went swing-for-swing with his late-night rivals, even if he, like Meyers, had to get over the seemingly out of control pitching machine aimed at his head. As Colbert put it, Donald Trump spent his weekend “doing so many stupidly bad things so badly stupidly.”

“Anyone who’s ever had a toddler knows this feeling. You leave the room for one second, and when you come back everything from the bookshelves is on the floor, the walls are covered in ketchup, and when you ask who gave the dog a haircut with safety scissors, your kid says, ‘It was DEI.'”

“It’s like there’s a long deli line at the counter of incompetence and corruption, and every ticket coming out of that little machine says number one.” 

Colbert then settled into his groove, taking on Trump’s purge of every official mention of telling holidays like Black History Month, Pride Month, Dr. Martin Luther King Day, Juneteenth, and Holocaust Remembrance Day. Trump also, to Colbert’s bafflement, appears to have deleted all U.S. Census data.

“Do you know how many Americans that affects? No you don’t, because the census data is missing.”

Moving on to those tariffs, an already aborted move the conservative Wall Street Journal called “the dumbest trade war in history,” Colbert marveled, “He’s only been there two weeks and he’s already pissing off the neighbors. [Trump voice] ‘Hi, I just moved in next door. Give me your wifi password or I’m gonna poop on your dog.'”

[On Trump’s tariffs raising prices on the nearly 50 percent of Mexican-grown fruits America consumes] “Soon the only fruit we’re gonna have left is Loop.”

[Same for tequila prices] “Now what are Americans supposed to drink if they want to end the evening in jail?”

“And where is the worm gonna live? [Picture of RFK Jr] Oh that’s right, I forgot.” 

[On the ensuing rise in Canadian oil prices] “They’re our largest foreign supplier of crude oil. Also our largest supplier of polite oil.”

“So he’s lashing out at Canada for no damn reason. What will this do to the longest continuous peaceful border in the world. How will this affect our cooperation with a vital NATO ally? What will this do to our relationship with our imaginary girlfriend from camp? Her name’s Mackenzie and she’s a model.” 

[On a clip of the crowd booing the American national anthem at a Toronto Raptors game] “Canadians are booing us. Even worse, then they have to boo us again in French.” 

[On Trump wishing us back to the pre income tax days of tariffs] “That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Turn your clocks to 1913. Tariffs are back and so is scarlet fever. But at least the President of the United States is gonna get stuck in a bathtub. [Prayer hands] Please.” 

[On a 2,400 percent rise in Google searches for “What are tariffs?”] “They don’t even know what they voted for! The next three most popular searches were, ‘What my Trump hat say?,’ ‘Is Mexico America?,’ and ‘Can get pregnant in hot tub if keep jeans on?'”

Jimmy Kimmel

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Kimmel, too, had to ease into this weekend’s overwhelming amount of mock-worthy news. Naturally, the outspoken Trump critic quickly got into his own groove.

[On White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt openly claiming that only white pilots should inspire fliers’ confidence while claiming that people shouldn’t be afraid to fly because of DEI hiring] “Let me see if I have this right. The system is broken, everyone in it is grossly incompetent, but there couldn’t be a safer time to fly.” 

Trading overt bigotry for trade war chicanery, Kimmel called out what he termed Trump’s transparent bluff of causing “the dumbest trade war in history” only to pull back immediately so he can claim victory.

[On footage of Canadian basketball and hockey fans booing the U.S. national anthem] “I didn’t even know Canadians knew how to boo.”

[On the famous picture of Trump looking miserable while Melania appears to be making “goo-goo eyes” at Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau] “That was the day Donald Trump learned the word ‘tariff.'”

Being a Los Angeleno himself, Kimmel continued to rip into Trump’s response to the California wildfires. Specifically his order to drain two reservoirs that not only do not flow to Los Angeles, but will deprive farmers of much-needed water during this summer’s growing season.

“This might be his craziest one yet. This might top the injecting bleach.” 

[On reports that Trump’s original, thankfully amended order would have completely flooded the California town of Porterville] “What if the image of towns he had accidentally flooded been all over social media? How would he blame that on the Mexican transgenders, I wonder?”

Taylor Tomlinson

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The After Midnight host kicked off her monologue Monday night with some talk of Sunday night’s Grammys, which saw Beyoncé finally win Album of the Year for Cowboy Carter. Even there, however, Trump’s trade wars found time to mess things up for everyone, as Tomlinson noted that Kendrick Lamar’s diss track against Canadian rapper Drake only exacerbated U.S.-Canada tensions.

“Last night was the Grammys. Or the one night of the year even conservative American agrees, ‘We like these gay people.”

[On Beyoncé never having won AOTY before] “Like, if you told me Beyoncé was the three-time Alabama state chili-making contest, I’d be like, ‘Okay yes, but it should have been four-time winner but Harry Styles won it in 2023 for some reason.'”

[On Jaden Smith’s red carpet-wear, specifically a full head-encompassing hat shaped like a castle] “I love it. And for most young people this hat is their only chance to own a home.”

But seriously, as Tomlinson noted, we are in a bewildering trade war with Canada.

“This trade war is so frustrating, and not just because we all had to learn how tariffs work. [Picture of Donald Trump] Or most of us anyway.”

[On Canada pulling American spirits off liquor store shelves in retaliation] “No, it’s not good. Our country’s top export is alcoholism. If the rest of the world stops buying our Twinkies too, we’re f*cked.”

[Over a chart showing Wall Street’s predictable and precipitous nosedive after Trump’s tariffs] “I don’t know much about the stock market, but I’m pretty sure this graph is the money equivalent of a sad trombone noise.”

[After Trump announced a 30-day pause on the tariffs with Mexico and Canada on Monday] “This is a classic Trump strategy. He loves to cause problems and then look like a hero when he makes them go away. Still waiting for our 30-day pause on Eric, by the way.”

Jimmy Fallon

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Even the politics-averse Tonight Show host couldn’t completely ignore the brewing trade war.

“People are wondering why Trump would start a trade war with our closest allies and Trump was like, ‘I didn’t say anything about Russia and North Korea.'”

“Maybe it’s the New Yorker in me but the last people you want to upset are your upstairs and downstairs neighbors.”

[On Trump posting (all caps his) “WILL THERE BE SOME PAIN? YES, MAYBE (AND MAYBE NOT!)”] “
It’s comforting to know he’s being advised by a Magic 8-Ball.”

We now return to our regularly scheduled Tonight Show monologue:

“A woman in China accidentally ate a gold engagement ring that her boyfriend hid for her in a cake. The event already inspired a new Netflix series, Is It Ring?

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