With just three late-night hosts holding down their respective comedy forts this week, Monday’s monologues from Jimmys Fallon and Kimmel focused primarily on the lighter side, namely: St. Patricks Day and Donald Trump totally winning his own golf tournament during a deadly tornado event. Meanwhile, Jon Stewart did a scorched-earth examination of Chuck Schumer and the Democrats caving in on a Republican budget they all hated. Here’s our Monday roundup.
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show‘s Monday host only has one weekly shot to really zero in on a single comedy target. And while the opposite of political courage and will that was Democratic Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY)’s decision to about-face on supporting a Republican budget that he and most other Dems called “a non-starter” seems like the obvious candidate for Jon Stewart’s scorn—well, it was.
“Democrats, put on the back foot, finally have an opportunity to stand up and show their dispirited party they still have the principle and the backbone to face down this wannabe tyrant,” began Stewart, his deadpan narration setting viewers up for the fall they knew was coming. And while Stewart was unsparing in filleting Schumer’s “feckless” capitulation to a GOP budget that cuts everything from veterans benefits and nursing home care to Medicare and medical research, he was no less withering to Democrats as a whole.
As the host put it while outlining the week’s litany of administration abuses of power unchecked by the Democrats, “It is Trump’s world and we’re just cowering in it. “
“Perhaps I’m being too hard on the Senator. Although I am not.”
“Your approval is only seven points ahead of where it turns red and goes into low power mode.”
on the dems’ 27 percent approval rating
“Don’t you have to have ‘it’ to keep at it? If this wasn’t the it, then what is it if this not be it?”
on schumer’s promise the democrats will “keep at it” in resisting trump
“Senator Schumer, no disrespect, but you are a disgrace to Jewish stereotypes about financial negotiations.”
stewart, on schumer’s seemingly one-sided capitulation
“But you’re out there, ‘How much is it?’ ‘Five dollars.’ ‘How ‘bout I give you seven?'”
“That’s your f*cking plan? ‘I’m gonna dangle my balls out of my shorts and maybe they’re gonna lose all their inhibitions.'”
on schumer’s repeated claim that democrats and republicans find common ground in the capitol gym
“But I have to tell you something. Pedaling really hard and not going anywhere? It’s a great metaphor for the Democratic Party right now.”
“If someone’s been running a fever since the aughts, that’t not a fever. That is their default resting temperature.”
after a decade-long montage of democrats claiming the GOP’s “fever is about to break” regarding trump
“Literally the only one that has failed so far is picking a Chucky doll that runs on cocaine and Viagra for Attorney General, and that’s just because the Republicans personally hated him.”
on every trump nominee apart from matt Gaetz sailing through confirmation
“Now I understand that Republicans would want to showcase that some of their members have not had hip replacements…”
on democrats video game-style “choose your fighter” hype video for up and coming legislators
Jimmy Fallon
For Fallon, St. Patrick’s Day ruled the jokes, with a few minor stopovers in Trump land.
“That’s right, people getting lit on a Monday morning. For one day, everybody gets to feel what it’s like to be a pilot for Southwest.”
“Nothing says celebrating a saint like watching a drunk guy put a plastic green hat on a police horse.”
“It’s a way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day and all the money people lost on Tesla stock.”
on the white house dyeing a fountain green
“Trump said they will spend the meeting dividing up certain assets. Trump was like, ‘He’ll take Ukraine, I’ll get Canada, we’ll alternate weekends on Greenland.'”
on trump’s upcoming meeting with vladimir putin
“A French politician has demanded that the United States return the Statue of Liberty because the Trump administration is siding with the tyrants. Yeah, France wants the Statue of Liberty back while Canada is like, ‘Well in that case, we’re coming to get Ryan Gosling.'”
“It’s never good when your $80,000 car sheds.”
on elon musk halting cybertruck deliveries because parts keeps falling off
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel, too, had some thoughts on the big Monday holiday, especially the Boston fad for St. Patty’s Day: gallons of high-octane parade booze called BORGs.
“‘Black out rage gallons.’ They should sell those at Dunkin’.”
Kimmel then moved on to some weekend sports news, specifically Donald Trump’s self-proclaimed golf championship victory at his own golf club, about which Kimmel had a few suspicions.
“Remember how much we laughed when North Korean media reported that Kim Jong Il had 11 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf? We’re getting pretty close to that.”
on trump’s claim that he’s won his own tournament three years running
“I want to see a full 580-page investigation of this tournament.”
“If you scored hypocrisy like golf, he’d be 30 strokes under par right now.”
reminding viewers of trump’s complaints that joe biden took too much time off
“Can you imagine if Biden bragged about winning a golf tournament during a disaster? Sean Hannity would have a rage-boner for weeks.”
on trump’s golf announcement occurring during thIS weekend’s deadly weather spree
“Where were you and Melania praying, at the gold awards dinner?”
on trump’s follow-up social media post remembering the 42 people who died
“Praying together might be the only activity those two do less than sleeping together.”
“Under new Musk administration rules, all college teams that lose in the first round will be deported to Venezuela.”
on the beginning of march madness
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