The U.S.-brokered ceasefire between Israel and Iran dominated late-night monologues last night, but as usual, most roads led back to Donald Trump. Here’s our Tuesday night roundup.
Ceasefire Circus
“President Trump announced yesterday in a post on Truth Social that Israel and Iran have agreed to a ceasefire and added, ‘Congratulations to everyone.’ Congratu—are you brokering a ceasefire or hosting the Tonys? ‘Congratulations to all our winners tonight. Get home safe!’”
Seth Meyers
“Trump said… ‘All planes will turn around and head home while doing a friendly plane wave to Iran.’ If you’re wondering what a plane wave is, it’s how he used to wish his kids a happy birthday.”
Seth Meyers
What the hell is a friendly plane wave? Everything in Trump’s mind is Thomas the Tank Engine.”
SETH MEYERS
“Last night President Trump announced that Israel and Iran agreed to a total ceasefire and declared that the war has ended. Yeah. And for about 59 minutes, he was right.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Trump was very disappointed in Israel and Iran yesterday, because they didn’t obey his rules on the cease-fire. Well, yeah. You’re the one who gave them 12 hours. This is not how you get people who are obsessed with war to stop fighting. These are addicts. You don’t say, ‘In 12 hours you have to stop using cocaine. And to pass the time, here’s a pound of cocaine, I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Diego Luna, Guest Hosting for Jimmy Kimmel
“Thankfully, as of now, the ceasefire has held. It’s about as stable as an IKEA cabinet with eight screws missing, but so far, so good.”
Jimmy Fallon
The 12 Day War
“Don’t give a name to a war you’re in—it kind of makes it look like that’s why you started the war. It’s like he poked his head into Pete Hegseth’s office and said, ‘I was thinking 12-Day War is a cool name. Can we use that for something?’ And then Hegseth said, ‘Yeah, but what? We don’t have a 12-Day War.’ And then Trump said, ‘Right, right. But what if we—’”
SETH MEYERS
Mission NOT Accomplished?
“According to a new report, Trump’s strike on Iran, known as Operation Midnight Hammer, only set the country’s nuclear program back a few months. It’s a little embarrassing. I mean, no one likes when their midnight hammer can’t complete the mission, you know?”
Jimmy Fallon
“So, less ‘Operation Midnight Hammer’ and more ‘Operation MC Hammer.’ In that Iran’s nuclear scientists just sent this message about their centrifuges: ♪♪ Can’t touch this ♪♪”
Stephen Colbert
Potpourri
“Why does Donald Trump want to screw immigrants? Because the one he married won’t screw him.”
Diego Luna, Guest Hosting for Jimmy Kimmel
“This kind of heat can make you a little loopy. Today I accidentally rubbed Gatorade on my thighs and drank a bottle of Gold Bond.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Today was National Relationship Equity Day so tonight, I’m going to fake it. Not fair that she always does that, you know? I have to do my part.”
Seth Meyers
“A high school graduating class in New York features 15 sets of twins. The graduation was described as, ‘Exciting, emotional, and creepy. Very creepy.’”
Jimmy Fallon
“The fast-food chain Bojangles has unveiled a new breakfast burrito which features sausage, eggs, potatoes, cheese, and Southern-style sausage gravy. It has all four food groups: brown, light brown, wet, and stretchy.”
Seth Meyers
“Knock-knock.”
Diego Luna, Guest Hosting for Jimmy Kimmel
“Who’s there?”
“I.C.E., everybody, hide!”
Caption This
“Kristi Noem… woman flirting with the widower in front of an open casket…” —Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night on Late Night
Clarissa Ward, Michael C. Hall visit Colbert, Seth Meyers welcomes Allison Williams, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Brandy and Monica play Fallon, and Diego Luna hosts David Corenswet, Nicholas Hoult, Ariela Barer on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
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