Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
TikTokDoh!
In an odd, rare show of bipartisanship, both Republicans and Democrats in Congress overwhelmingly agreed to effectively ban the social media video site TikTok in a House vote on Wednesday. Proponents of the bill, which would require the site’s Chinese owners to sell the site to a non-Chinese company within six months or face an American ban, warn of TikTok’s ability to manipulate pro-Chinese propaganda and compromise users’ data. Those opposed to the ban point out the dangerous precedent of the government shutting down a major information-sharing site—especially one overwhelmingly favored by young people—right before a pivotal presidential election.
Late-night hosts weren’t so much split on the issue at hand as united in mockery of the spectacle of aging lawmakers attempting to wrap their heads around a central facet of youth culture, with Jimmy Fallon noting that representatives are terrified that the Chinese government will learn the secret of the deadly “tortilla slap.”
“This is like iPhone Footloose and theres no Kevin Bacon to save us.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, if you guys are worried about the Chinese gathering information about Americans, wait ’til you hear who makes the phones.”
seth meyers
“What’s interesting here is how unpredictable the breakdown of the vote was. Marjorie Taylor Green and AOC voted together against the bill, Nancy Pelosi and Lauren Boebert voted for it. Both nightmare blunt rotations, by the way.”
Desi Lydic
“Then Alexa was like, ‘Yeah, TikTok, that’s the one thats spying on you. Ban it, ban it.'”
jimmy fallon
“That’s how you know this issue is important, it forced Gen Z to make their very first phone call.”
desi lydic
“Half the people who use TikTok do believe it poses a threat to national security, but they still use it on their phones. I guess at this point, what the hell, right? Half the country supports a national security threat for president, might as well dance.”
jimmy kimmel
“And you know congressmen must have been pissed with teenagers blowing up their phones all day. I mean, well, Matt Gaetz didn’t mind.”
desi lydic
RFK’s QB Bomb
Current Independent candidate for president and noted conspiracy theorist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. continued his campaign to make his campaign as baffling as possible on Wednesday. The Kennedy family pariah is considering a short list of potential running mates including former Minnesota Governor, professional wrestler, actor and “Frankenstein at a Phish concert” Jesse “The Body” Ventura (according to Stephen Colbert), and current New York Jets quarterback and fellow anti-vaxxer Aaron Rodgers. (Who, it was also revealed Wednesday, has also shared conspiracy theories that the Sandy Hook school shooting was a hoax.)
For late-night jokesters, it’s the sort of political sideshow destined for the monologue, with The Daily Show‘s Michael Kosta noting, with mock enthusiasm, “[RFK Jr.] is polling as high as 22 percent so far, which means he could lose this race more successfully than any third-party candidate in years.”
“Now that is a risky move to pick Rodgers, because, if we’ve learned one thing, when he starts running, he’s gonna snap his Achilles.”
stephen colbert
“These are not running mates, they’re who the people on The Masked Singer call when Rob Schneider says no.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“That’s right, Aaron Rodgers could be RFK Jr’s running mate. This would be the best President and Vice President pairing of all time, is what I’m assuming measles virus is saying.”
michael kosta
“[RFK Jr.] is also considering a pair of Truck Nutz dipped in Ivermectin.”
jimmy kimmel
“RFK Jr. was like, ‘Do you want to give it a shot?’ And Rodgers said, ‘No, but I will give it a horse-dewormer.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“A football player in the White House feels like progress, through. We don’t need any more aging old men with brain problems. We need strong young men with brain problems.”
Michael Kosta
[On Rodgers’ advocacy of psychedelics] “Now, this would not be the first presidential ticket to embrace psychedelic drugs. I mean, who can forget William Henry Harrison’s 1840 campaign: ‘Trippy Canoe and Spiders, AHHHH!!!!'”
stephen colbert
“Don’t forget, Aaron Rodgers is supposed to be the starting quarterback for the Jets next season, so the question is, what’s he going to do if the Jets make it to the Super Bowl. [Pause, followed by laughter.] I almost held it together.”
Desi Lydic
“How many losing teams can [Rodgers] be a part of at once?”
jimmy kimmel
“Kennedy confirmed that Rodgers and Ventura are at the top of his list. Which makes you wonder who’s at the bottom, William Hung and the ‘Can you hear me now?’ guy?”
Jimmy Fallon
“I just don’t know if Rodgers is qualified to be next in line for the presidency. But I guess we don’t need to worry about that—I mean, when has a Kennedy ever died unexpectedly.”
Michael Kosta
Let’s Get Ready to Stuuuumble!
With Joe Biden and Donald Trump having secured enough delegates to assure their spots as their parties’ presidential candidates following the latest primaries, late-night hosts strapped themselves in for the upcoming eight month rematch of the 2020 election. Fraught with issues concerning everything from both candidates’ advanced ages, Donald Trump’s multiple ongoing legal trials, and Trump’s recent hostile family takeover turning the Republican National Committee into a possible money-laundering entity for Trump’s legal fees, the 2024 presidential season is certainly a terrible time for the country, if not for joke writers.
“Well folks, the inevitable has inevited.”
stephen colbert
“Yesterday, Joe Biden and Donald Trump both secured enough delegates to clinch their parties’ nomination. Making this officially a three-man race Between Trump, Biden, and natural causes.”
michael kosta
“It’s like if Muhammad Ali fought Joe Frazier—now.”
stephen colbert
“Donald Trump has also been looking at potential Vice Presidents. He’s focus-grouping their appeal, feeling them out on policy, seeing how soft their lips feel on his ass.”
desi lydic
[On Trump confessing his plans to cut both Social Security and Medicare if elected] “Dude, you’re 77. Those should be your favorite things right now. And, let’s be honest, you could use the cash.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s upcoming case concerning his hush-money payments over his affair with adult actress Stormy Daniels] “Yesterday, Trump unveiled a nifty new legal strategy, informing the court that he’ll argue that he didn’t commit any wrongdoing because his lawyers were involved in the incident. Yes, that’s a little-known loophole—if there’s a lawyer there, nothing is a crime.”
stephen colbert
[On Biden investigator Robert Hur’s disastrous appearance before a congressional hearing into discrepancies between his summary and the actual transcript] “He reportedly got help from right-wing operatives connected to Donald Trump to prepare for his testimony yesterday. Although I can’t imagine what kind of advice he got from Trumpworld. Did they show him Trump’s courtroom sketches to prepare? ‘Okay, the best way to make yourself seem credible and trustworthy during testimony is to grimace like you’re passing a gallstone, grimace like you’re passing a second, bigger gallstone, grimace like you just saw your wife having sex with Grimace, then just hold your hands up like you’re waiting for them to slap the cuffs on you.’”
seth meyers
“[Trump] recently replace the RNC leadership with his cronies, including daughter-in-law and plastic surgery who’s had some woman done, Lara Trump.”
stephen colbert
“Lara’s credentials to run a major party organization include ‘none.'”
stephen colbert
“Sure Lara Trump may not be qualified. She many not have experience doing… things. But she has done what no one thought was possible, she married Eric Trump.”
stephen colbert
“Trump had more than 300 classified documents scattered around an active social club with over 150 employees, where anyone can pay to be a member or attend a social event like a fundraiser or a wedding or a pre-funeral for Rudy Giuliani.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“Elon Musk today visited the Tesla factory in Germany which suspended operations earlier this month after a suspected arson attack. Why would an arsonist waste their time? If you want a Tesla to catch fire, you know, just wait a few minutes.”
seth meyers
“The CEO of Petco is stepping down… He held the job for five years, or 35 in Petco CEO years.”
jimmy fallon
[After Republican South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem filmed an ad for a Texas-based dentist] “This might be the first time a woman has had to fly into Texas to see a doctor.”
Desi Lydic
[On Marjorie Taylor Greene claiming that her Facebook account has been shadow-banned] “‘Shadow-banned’ is code for ‘all your high school classmates have you muted.'”
Jimmy kimmel
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