Weds Night Monologues: The Jimmys vs. the Trumps

Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

I Hear the Train A-Comin’

The late-night skeleton crew of Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon scrambled after the latest crumbs of news from presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump’s various and plentiful looming legal proceedings on Wednesday. At current count, Trump is facing [checks notes]: a Monday deadline to pay his $464 million fraud appeal bond under penalty of his assets being sold off; a criminal trial for election fraud over hush money payments to the adult film actress with whom he cheated on his third wife; a Hail Mary SCOTUS pitch for absolute immunity for all crimes; federal prosecution surrounding his involvement with the attempted violent overthrow of democracy; his trial over election interference for asking for Georgia’s secretary of state to “find” him 11,780 votes; and taking and hiding classified documents after losing the 2020 election. And there are probably a few more floating around the country’s dockets.

It’s a lot of material to work with, even if Fallon and Kimmel could only muster up a few rather unfocused jabs at the former president’s mounting financial and political woes during Wednesday’s monologues. Perhaps that’s Trump’s strategy—flood the comedy zone with too much scandal to choose from.

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“The Great White Supremacist has until Monday to come up with a $464 million bond or the state may seize and sell his property. Trump said, ‘Nobody has ever heard of anything like this before.’ We never heard of most of the crazy stuff you do before—I mean, nobody ever heard of the President changing the weather with a Sharpie before, but…”

jimmy kimmel

“Trump didn’t fill out a [March Madness] bracket because he doesn’t have the ten bucks to join the pool.”

jimmy fallon

“If Donald Trump wants immunity, he should drink bleach like he told us to do.”

jimmy kimmel

“Trump yesterday asked the Supreme Court to grant him absolute immunity in the case related to the events of January 6. And he also wants immunity from chlamydia, just in case.”

jimmy kimmel

“Creditors want to force [former Trump lawyer] Rudy Giuliani to sell his $3.5 million Florida condo to help pay off his $152 million in debt. The condo’s great. It’s got three bedrooms, four bathrooms, and a windowless room where Rudy sleeps upside down like a bat.”

jimmy fallon

[On Tuesday’s primaries] “In Arizona, [Trump] lost more than 20 percent of the Republican vote. In Florida, he lost over 17 percent of the Republican vote to a pair of opponents who aren’t even running any more… But Trump did do well with voters who accidentally shot their washing machines with a handgun.”

jimmy kimmel

Melania Lives

After being conspicuously absent from her candidate husband’s side on the campaign trail this time around, former First Lady Melania Trump made a rare appearance in public on Tuesday. Sort of a reverse Kate Middleton situation, the onetime FLOTUS’ sudden reappearance left Kimmel and Fallon pondering her future with her financially floundering husband.

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“Of course, the real loser here is Melania. She may end up with half of the nothing he owns.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“When asked if she would return to the campaign trail, Melania said, ‘Stay tuned.’ Which is code for, ‘Ask me again when he’s not here.'”

jimmy fallon

“I hope she got an advance on that pre-nup, because if you think she hates him now, wait until he’s poor.”

jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

“A Delta Airlines pilot was just sentenced to 10 months in jail for showing up to work drunk. Yep, he got 10 months in prison and a job offer from Southwest.”

jimmy fallon

[After conspiracy theorist pillow magnate Mike Lindell’s promise of new “shocking” evidence of election fraud came and went] “Well, you know what, he the world has gone un-shocked.”

jimmy kimmel

“That’s right, Biden has UConn, Houston, North Carolina, and Tennessee in his [March Madness] Final Four, while Trump was able to identify all the mascots.”

jimmy fallon

“According to the World Happiness Report, for the first time ever, the United States is not among the top 20 happiest countries. Out of 143 countries, we came in 23rd place this year. We’re only one space ahead of Germany, which, um, you know…”

jimmy kimmel

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