Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Let Them Eat Trump Steaks
Late-night hosts had some fun mocking their exponentially richer rich people colleagues, as annual Forbes magazine list of the world’s billionaires hit newsstands this week. Sure, TV personalities do fine, but nobody with a talk show is going to be popping up alongside newly crowned billions-havers like Magic Johnson, Taylor Swift, and—despite all his massive fines and pending financial ruin—Donald Trump, who managed to hang onto his place on the coveted list of the covetous by his fingernails.
As Stephen Colbert put it concerning the former President currently in New York in one of his many criminal and civil trials, “Coming in on the list at number 1,438 is Donald Trump…He’s the only billionaire on the list who describes his occupation as ‘Bible salesman, defendant.'”
“There are 265 new [billionaires], including Magic Johnson and Taylor Swift. I guess that MAGA boycott of Taylor Swift is going just great, huh?”
jimmy kimmel
“Forbes released its annual world billionaires list, with one editor calling 2024, ‘an amazing year for rich people.’ Another one? That makes 300,000 years in a row. Congrats guys! I would use some of that money to buy a very strong door and a deep moat because they will eventually come for you if you keep this s**t up.”
stephen colbert
“Donald Trump checked in with a net worth of 2.3 billion dollars. Well, somebody’s gonna be spanking himself with a Forbes magazine tonight, I tell you that.”
jimmy kimmel
“All in all, there are more billionaires than ever, even though 32 billionaires died. Because even for billionaires, the only things certain in life are death and… actually just death.”
stephen colbert
It Is Risible
Two days after Easter fell on the already-established March 31 date for the Transgender Day of Visibility, conservatives including Donald Trump continue to play to their fact-averse base by pretending that President Biden’s day-of statement of support for the under-attack trans community represented a deliberate attack on Christianity. Also not willing to let go were late-night hosts, who continue to mock performative outrage based on shameless pandering and manipulation, and who zeroed in on Trump’s crowd-whooping promise to designate a brand-new “Christian Day of Visibility” holiday should he retake the presidency.
As The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic summed up the blatant hypocrisy of all the Republican grandstanding, “They don’t think Transgender Visibility Day should be moved, they think trans people shouldn’t be visible at all. Trans Day of Visibility could have been on National Pasta Day and they’d be like, ‘This is an affront to fettuccini!’”
“Now, you wouldn’t think that Easter falling on a holiday that’s been on March 31 for 15 years would be that big of a deal. But conservatives processed this like a child meeting the Easter Bunny—by losing their f**king minds.”
desi lydic
“Former President Trump yesterday criticized President Biden for proclaiming Easter Sunday Transgender Day of Visibility and said, ‘it’s a total disrespect for Christians.’ And if you’re gonna disrespect Christians, you might as well make some money off it.”
seth meyers
“I love that he’s somehow the Christian candidate. Not only does he not go to church, he didn’t even go to church on Easter Sunday… While the Bidens were reading the Bible, Trump was out selling them.”
jimmy kimmel
[Trump voice] “And you can see plenty of Christians in my my rock and Roll Bible, featuring the Constitution and all the lyrics for Ted Nugent’s deeply moving religious anthem, “Whang Dang… Sweet Poontang.”
Stephen Colbert
“Uh, this is America, buddy. Every day is Christian Visibility Day.”
desi lydic
“Finally, a Christian holiday we can celebrate.”
jimmy kimmel
“There’s a false premise at the heart of this entire controversy, which is that there’s even a conflict between trans people and Christianity to begin with. There isn’t. In fact, the Bible doesn’t say anything about trans people. It does, however, say to love thy neighbor, and to not judge other people, and, perhaps the most famous of Bible verses, ‘Please do not sell me for $59.99 to pay off your rape fine.'”
desi lydic
“Yes, by total coincidence, Trans Visibility Day happened to fall on Easter this year. Which seemed like, I don’t know, a good fit to me. I mean, Jesus did identify as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, so live your truth, Queen!”
desi lydic
Turn Up for Hate
Donald Trump made a rare campaign stop on the eve of several important presidential primaries on Tuesday (or as important as primaries get when there are only two viable candidates), drawing shrunken but typically vocal crowds in swing states Michigan and Wisconsin. As ever, Donald Trump in front of a live mic gave late-night hosts plenty of material to work with, with the presumptive GOP nominee calling immigrants “animals,” posing with uniformed law enforcement officers (presumably not bothered by either the dehumanizing racism or the fact that their guy led a cop-assaulting insurrection), and spouting other lies, revisionist histories, and assorted off-topic digressions.
Seth Meyers pounced upon one puzzling Trump-ism, puzzling over Trump’s promise, “If you have illegal aliens invading your home, we will deport you.” As Meyers put it, “Wait, if illegal aliens are invading my home, you’ll deport me? So they get my home. Do they get my show, too? It wouldn’t be the first time an immigrant has come here and stolen one of our late-night talk shows. Yeah… Last Week Tonight? That doesn’t even make sense—speak English, dude.”
[Trump voice] “They’re climbing through your windows, they’re leaping out of their slimy eggs, latching onto your fellow astronauts’ faces, and then in the middle of dinner an anchor baby bursts through John Hurt’s stomach and hides somewhere on the ship, and everybody starts getting killed until Sigourney Weaver saves the day in her teeny-tiny underpants. Then they really lose the thread of the story in Covenant, what’s Danny McBride doing there?”
stephen colbert
“At his rally yesterday in Michigan, former President Trump said, ‘I do great with the suburban housewives.’ In fact, he recently found out that was his most viewed category.”
seth meyers
“Trump said he’ll debate, ‘Anytime, anywhere, any place.’ Biden was like, ‘Tell me you’re unemployed without telling me you’re unemployed.”
jimmy fallon
“We were headed for an economic boom when you left office? He’s doing that thing again where he pretends the last year of his presidency didn’t happen. Like a Bill Cosby biography that ends in 2014.”
seth meyers
“Three years ago was April, 2021, right? Joe Biden was in the White House, you were moping around your chintzy swamp castle full of plastic surgeons and their third wives, looking paler than the boxes of classified documents you had stored in your bathroom.”
seth meyers
[On Trump repeating his lie that he actually won Wisconsin in 2020] “Pretty bold to go to a state you lost and tell the crowd you actually won. That’s like bumping into your ex and saying, ‘Amanda, hi. You look well—which of course I know because it came out that we’re still together. We’re still together… by a lot.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s casting suspicion on the late returns in Wisconsin with the statement, “And then, at 3:02 in the morning, lotta dumps happened.”] “That’s why Melania has her own bathroom.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yes, lotta dumps. So just a regular night for Donald Trump.”
stephen colbert
Primarily Speaking
There were some other takeaways from the otherwise predictable two-person Tuesday primaries in Wisconsin, New York, and Michigan, with Donald Trump losing significant votes to candidates no longer in the GOP race and voters sending Joe Biden a signal about his handling of the ongoing massacre in Gaza by turning in ‘uncommitted’ Democratic ballots.
“Do you know angry someone has to be to leave their home, go to their local poling place, and stand in line just to submit a blank ballot? That’s like driving to your local Apple Store, waiting all day for the new Vision Pro and then, when you get to the counter, screaming, ‘I don’t want these! I think these look stupid!”
seth meyers
[On Chris Christie getting 4 percent of the GOP New York primary vote] “You gotta really piss off New Yorkers to get them to vote for a guy from New Jersey who shut down the George Washington Bridge.”
stephen colbert
“Somehow the ghost of Nikki Haley continues to plague Trump like an undigested chalupa.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m guessing Trump also lost (NY primary) votes to Curbside Oil-and-Urine Puddle, Pile of Rats Mating in an Outdoor Dining Shed, and Eric Adams.”
stephen colbert
Okay, But Who Else?
Jimmy Kimmel marveled that polls continually give legally-defined rapist, brazen insurrectionist, and lifelong failed and disreputable businessman Donald Trump a shot at retaking the White House. (Via election, or, you know, other means.) Kimmel noted that Trump couldn’t even win a majority of votes from his former employees, reminding viewers that even Trump’s former Vice President Mike Pence recently revealed that he will not be voting for him. Oh, and Kimmel brought some further receipts as well.
“Here’s what you should be paying attention to. His longtime former lawyer Michael Cohen says, ‘Donald’s an idiot.’ His former Defense Secretary Mark Esper said, ‘I think he’s unfit for office.’ His other former Defense Secretary (James Mathis) says he’s “the first President in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people… Instead he tries to divide us.’ Former Chief of Staff John Kelly says Trump “has nothing but contempt for our democratic institutions, our Constitution, and the rule of law.’ His former Attorney General Bill Barr suggests that, “Trump shouldn’t be anywhere near the Oval Office.’ His former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said, “His understanding of global and U.S. history is really limited.’ Can we get some music to speed this up, because there’s more. Former National Security Adviser (H.R. McMaster) said he showed, ‘the absence of leadership.’ Another former National Security Advisor (John Bolton) said ‘foreign leaders think he is a laughing fool.’ His former Communications Director (Anthony Scaramucci) called him, ‘the domestic terrorist of the 21st century.’ His former Press Secretary (Stephanie Grisham) said, “I am terrified of him running in 2024.’ His former Homeland Security Adviser (Tom Bossert)—‘an utter disgrace.’ Former White House Aide (Cassidy Hutchinson)—“the most grave threat we will face in our democracy in our lifetime, and potentially American history.’ And his former golf trip sex partner (Stormy Daniels) said he has a ‘d**k like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.’
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“Elon Musk just appointed two new employees to oversee safety on his platform, X. So if you’re worried about safety on a platform with half a billion users, don’t worry, they’ve hired two people to handle it.”
jimmy fallon
“Officials in Kyle, Texas recently announced that the city is attempting to set the Guinness world record for the largest gathering of people named Kyle. Which would overtake the current record-holder, any Dave Matthews concert.”
seth meyers
“The moon is getting its own time zone because NASA needs a time-keeping benchmark for lunar spacecraft and satellites that require extreme precision for their missions. But it’s also gonna be great for anyone who needs an excuse to day-drink. ‘Hey, its moon o’clock somewhere!'”
stephen colbert
“This sounds like a fake project Trump would have given Mike Pence to keep him busy. ‘Mike, you’re in charge of all the moon-clocks, okay?'”
jimmy kimmel
“In honor of next week’s total solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme will offer a glazed donut that is dipped in black chocolate icing and topped with sprinkles, buttercream frosting and an Oreo. And after a dozen of those, you’ll also block out the sun.”
seth meyers
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