Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Defense Rests
After a day off, Donald Trump’s election fraud/hush money trial was back in session on Thursday. That meant plenty more ammo for late-night hosts, especially since Trumps’ presence in the New York courtroom entails everything from tiny crowds of supporters (literally one lady showed up today), frequent in-session naps, and the occasional toilet humor-derived insulting nickname read out in front of a helplessly scowling (or snoring) Trump.
It’s no secret at this point that all the major hosts are no fans of the former President/current defendant, with Stephen Colbert going out of his way to contrast a lovely May day with his frequent target’s daily legal routine. “It was a beautiful Spring day here in New York City. 10 out of 10. Warm, sunny—a perfect day for Donald Trump to be stuck in a courtroom freezing his drowsy balls off.”
“Can you imagine going back in time and telling yourself ten years ago that an ex-President who staged a coup to stay in power would fall asleep multiple times—and at one point reportedly even pass gas during his criminal trial—not for waging the coup (which is a different trial that we might not even get to) but for paying hush money to a porn star to stop her from telling the world about his weirdly shaped penis, and it wouldn’t be the biggest headline in the newspaper every single day? You’d be like, No way, I’m gonna tell everyone about this on my favorite well-functioning website, Twitter!”
seth meyers
[After Trump appeared to snooze in court again] “Eventually they’re just going to have to put him on a baby monitor. ‘Oh no, he’s on his stomach again. I gotta go flip him over.'”
stephen colbert
“Prosecutors argued today that former President Trump should be sanctioned again for violating his gag order. Apparently, he talks in his sleep.”
seth meyers
[In response to the court sketch artist’s unflattering drawings] “She turned him into the Hunchback of Bloatre Dame.”
jimmy kimmel
It Sounds Better in the Original German
Look, when a former President with a long history of serial philandering is on trial for paying hush money to several women in the adult entertainment industry in order to defraud the electorate, you’re going to hear some off-putting stuff. (Seriously, former Trump mistress Stormy Daniels hasn’t even started describing things yet.) But few were prepared for Trump to sit stone-faced while the court entered into the official record a certain nickname based on Trump’s alleged issues with incontinence. It just goes to show—if your brand is infallible sexist macho swagger, you probably don’t want to get deposed about your sexual and bathroom habits to the extent that Jake Tapper has to apologize for reading out your nickname on CNN.
“Trump’s lawyers claim that [Michael] Cohen should not be protected under Trump’s gag order because on social media, Cohen has taunted Trump, suggesting his former client cannot control his bowels. Oh sure, laugh all you want… I certainly do.”
stepehn colbert
“But Michael Cohen is an adult and it’s not like he came up with some childish nickname for the former President. [Plays clip of Trump’s longtime intimate legal fixer calling him “Von Schitzenpants”] I really didn’t think I’d enjoy that as much as I just did. “
stephen colbert
“I thing what Cohen was trying to say is that Trump is a well-soiled machine.”
jimmy kimmel
“Show some respect sir, thats President Von Schitzenpants.”
stephen colbert
Law & Order: Student Protest Unit
The Israel-Gaza conflict is now entering its seventh month and, as with any war, truth and nuance are among the first casualties, with the ongoing violence against civilians from both the Netanyahu government and Hamas being vocally decried and championed, depending on which slate of prejudices debaters subscribe to. The latest battleground for such heated reactions is American college campuses, where thousands of students have pitched literal and figurative camps in protest, leading to the traditional American governmental and administrative response of calling in armed police to start swinging billy clubs. (Plus, the always-reliable cries of “outside agitators” drowning out the actual issues at hand.)
It’s tangled and touchy territory, which puts a lot of pressure on those comics like Seth Meyers willing to venture forth to cut through the snarl of propaganda, hyperbole, and partisanship. Luckily for Meyers, the seemingly insoluble main issues are accompanied by the usual, easily-mockable idiocy of politicians and official spokespeople making transparently stupid and slanted statements justifying their actions. After all, as Meyers noted on his A Closer Look segment on Thursday, it’s possible (if hard to cram into a single slogan or a one-liner) to simultaneously condemn indiscriminate violence from both Hamas and the Netanyahu government, to condemn both anti-Semitism and anti-Palestinian bigotry equally, and to protect the right to protest as well as ensure that students feel safe in their campuses. Or you can just pick one easy target and blast away with tear gas and rubber bullets, context be damned.
[On the massive NYPD action against protesters at Columbia University] “Usually when there are that many police together at one time, Bane’s about to trick them into the Gotham City tunnels.”
seth meyers
[After House Speaker Mike Johnson condescendingly told student protesters to “stop wasting your parents’ money”]
seth meyers
“If Johnson does get ousted as Speaker, he should get a job as killjoy dead in an ’80’s movie. Mike Johnson should be holding a press conference saying, ‘Stop squandering your inheritance on there ridiculous pranks! And one more thing, a werewolf can’t play basketball!'”
[After President Biden’s very brief press conference on the subject] “Man, he left that press conference the way I used to leave the kitchen when my mom asked to see my report card.”
seth meyers
[After an NYPD spokesman said “this is not what students bring to school” while holding up a padlock and chain listed for sale on Columbia University’s Public Safety office website] “It’s not? Because it looks like a bike lock to me.”
seth meyers
[After Donald Trump claimed that professionally printed protest signs signal presence of those “outside agitators”] “Oh my God, he’s right. That can only mean one thing, the outside agitator is… Kinkos.”
seth meyers
[After Senator Bernie Sanders scolded fellow lawmakers for focusing on student protests rather than the bloody conflict they’re protesting] “He’s right, the story is what’s happening in Gaza. That’s what the protests are about. And always, I will say, I love Bernie’s delivery. It really helps him drive home the point he’s making. He’s like a grandpa reminding everyone to stop texting at dinner.”
seth meyers
You Murder One Puppy…
Strangely, and even after she went on Fox News to double down on the act, comics are still harping on that whole “South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem bragged about shooting her puppy in the face” thing.
“We here at Team Late Show have been following the tragic career suicide of South Dakota Governor and Talbot’s mannequin you could swear just blinked, Kristi Noem.”
stephen colbert
“‘I make tough decisions?’ What are you talking about, the decision to listen to the voices?”
seth meyers
“Noem bragged in her memoir about how she shot her 14-month-old puppy as well as a family goat. And I’ll be honest, I was conflicted about whether or not I should keep talking about it. Because unlike Kristi Noem, I don’t like beating a dead horse.”
stephen colbert
[After Noem blamed the media] “They put the worst spin on it? You dragged a 14-month-old puppy to a gravel pit, shot it in the head, and then told everybody. You wrote it in your book—that’s not spinning, that’s reading.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Noem’s latest spin] “That’s right, it’s an important distinction. It was a working dog. So Noem did not shoot her puppy, she shot her employee.”
stephen colbert
[After Noem claimed to have been around “hundreds of dogs”] “Although before she got there it used to be thousands.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
[Responding to Trump stating he’d only accept the results of the 2024 election if it’s “honest”] “Dude, if everything was honest, the only results you’d have to accept would be the results of the prison talent show.”
seth meyers
“In Arizona, the state senate finally voted to repeal their antiquated abortion law from 1864. Governor Katie Hobbes signed the official paperwork to repeal the law. Once the law goes into effect, abortion in Arizona will be allowed, but only before 15 weeks and with no exceptions for rape or incest. Which is progress from 1864 to 1964, but it’s progress.”
jimmy kimmel
“So congratulations to women in Arizona. Maybe next year they’ll let you drive.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yesterday was a day off rom the trial, so Trump jetted off to Wisconsin and Michigan to perform his hit one man show, Complaining for Applause.”
stephen colbert
“A man who caused an emergency landing on a flight from London to New Jersey because he allegedly got drunk and started yelling was just fined $20,000. The most surprising is that he was from London and not New Jersey.”
jimmy fallon
[After a Catholic priest was arrested for putting $40 thousand on his church’s credit card for mobile games] “Oh, so that’s what a priest has to do to get arrested.”
seth meyers
“Honestly, it’s just good to hear his crush was on candy.”
seth meyers
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