Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Very Slowly Walking Away
Mitch McConnell announced Wednesday that he will be stepping down as GOP Senate Leader after serving in the position since 2007. The 82-year-old will leave the position in November.
A longtime late-night target, McConnell received the expected sendoff, with Stephen Colbert responding to a clip of McConnell forgiving former President Ronald Regan for calling him “Mitch O’Donnell” with this salute: “That’s very big of you, Bitch O’Dumbnuts.”
“[McConnell] will be retiring to the Galapagos Islands to spend time with the other 500-year-old turtles.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“McConnell said that it’s time for new leadership. And then he looked around the Senate and realized the next generation is 75.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Thanks to the woke left, another Confederate statue has been taken down.”
Seth Meyers
“After nearly two decades as the Republican leader of the Senate, McConnell is stepping down. He’s 82, so that can only mean one thing—he’s running for president.”
Jimmy Fallon
Great Lakes Runoff
Pundits continue to parse the results of Tuesday’s Michigan presidential primary for clues about the upcoming election, with Donald Trump’s most dangerous rival seeming to be his own reputation and President Biden facing criticism over his handling of the war in Gaza.
Plucking out the sinking candidacy of Democratic challenger Dean Phillips, Stephen Colbert counseled the would-be spoiler about the candidate’s 3 percent showing. (Phillips lost not only to Biden, but to the “uncommitted” Gaza protest vote and to Marianne Williamson, who had withdrawn from the race.) “Hey pal,” Colbert sympathized, “Sometimes in life you take a big swing and it just doesn’t work out. We’ve all put ourselves out there and then lost to a protest vote and a woman who isn’t even running.”
“Joe Biden won with 81 percent of the vote . That’s one percent for every year he’s been alive and God help us, that joke works.”
stephen colbert
[On the “uncommitted” protest vote against Biden by Dems]: “Of course, in this particular situation the guy who would take his place is Trump. Not only is he not sympathetic to your cause, he’s said he’s gonna add Gazans to the Muslim Ban. It’s like convincing your sister to break up with that guy who’s no good for her and then next Christmas she shows up with Pennywise.”
Michael Kosta
“In every primary so far, Trump has done significantly worse than the polls predicted. If this trend continues until November, he’ll get negative 23 percent of the vote. Or, as he calls it, total victory.”
Stephen colbert
“If Muslim Democrats in Michigan withhold their votes, [Biden] could lose that state, which would elect Trump, which would immediately turn Gaza into a giant, Moses-themed golf resort. But the important thing is to vote with your rage.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“These are people who previously supported Biden but voted to send him a message to change his behavior. You know, how you would tell a child you can’t have dessert until you clean your room and figure out who gets Jerusalem.”
stephen colbert
“That [3 percent] showing inspired Williamson to un-suspend her campaign today. That’s the ultimate proof that she’s an optimist—she always sees the glass as 3 percent full.”
Stephen Colbert
Brain Freeze
It’s been days now since President Biden answered foreign policy questions during an ice cream shop photo op with Seth Meyers, but news outlets continued to focus more on the delicious, creamy optics than actual news surrounding everything from the ongoing Gaza conflict to how Republicans’ key impeachment witness against Biden turned out to be a literal Russian spy.
“The Republicans in Congress [are] trying to impeach the President of the United States based on false information pumped into Capital Hill by the Kremlin! In any other point in human history, this would be a scandal of such magnitude and gravity that it would tilt the Earth off its orbit around the sun. But you don’t hear much about it because half of the media in the United States is focused on the scandal of “old man is old and likes ice cream.”
stephen colbert
[On Fox’s Jeanine Pirro referring to Biden as Forrest Gump in the ice cream shop] “Biden’s not Forrest Gump in that situation, I am! I’m the one standing next to a world leader not knowing why I’m there, wishing I was just playing ping-pong. He not the Gump, I the Gump!”
Seth meyers
You Get Nothing!
Footage emerged from a Scottish Willy Wonka-themed event where the promised AI-generated confectionary wonders proved to be such a letdown that enraged parents called the police.
“When people showed up, they found something very different from what they saw on the website. What they saw was basically a big, empty warehouse with vinyl backdrops tacked to the wall, they got to see Willy Wonka’s famous portable power generator, and they got to meet what appears to be a meth lab Oompa Loompa.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Have you ever seen the movie? Traumatizing kids is the authentic Wonka experience. Oh, I’m sorry, you had to drink a plastic cup full of lemonade? Violet Beauregarde has to buy three airline seats from now on.”
Michael Kosta
Potpourri
“A woman in California stole an idling Amazon delivery van because she was in a hurry to get home. Now she’s expected to arrive in prison in 1-2 business days.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Today Biden issued an executive order to safeguard American data from our foreign enemies, who are working hard to try to steal it. Its called the Change your Password from ‘Password’ act.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Look, you can debate viability or conception. Do I have to take this petrie dish to the playground and give it snacks all day? No? Then it’s not a person. I’ve seen sourdough starters more alive than that.”
Michael Kosta
“[Gun nuts] have the same approach to guns that snobby liberals do to wine. ‘Unless it comes from the machine gun region of France it’s only a sparkling rifle.'”
Michael Kosta
