Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
A Gesture’s Worth a Thousand Jokes
As Seth Meyers put it, ” I’ve said it for years and I’ll say it again, the best Obama is stand-up Obama.” Also for years, people have pointed to the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, when then-President Barack Obama carpet-bombed the in-attendance Trump over the then Celebrity Apprentice host’s vocally racist “birther” conspiracy peddling, as the moment when Trump decided to turn his wounded ego toward political vengeance. Now nobody could have predicted that the cameoing star of Bo Derek’s 1989 specter-boinking flick Ghosts Can’t Do It would be able to tap so readily into enough white grievance to actually wind up in the White House, but blaming Obama for Donald Trump’s political career is like blaming hand soap for mutated, bacteria-resistant diseases.
Still, on Tuesday, it was the happily retired two-term President’s turn to remind the world that he is simply the most economically funny head of state we’ve ever had, as Obama capped off an expert takedown of Trump’s many weird obsessions and lies with a devastatingly subtle hand gesture while referencing Trump’s deeply sad fixation on the size of his… crowds. Naturally, mainstream media talking heads tut-tutted a former President engaging in such juvenile (if expert) character assassination, but those are the same pundits who hand-waved Trump’s years of racially loaded attacks on the Obamas and his similar current smears of Kamala Harris, so they can go chase their tendentious tails. With Michelle Obama also holding the raucous Chicago DNC crowd in the palm of her hand by calling out Trump’s “limited, narrow view of the world” in denigrating accomplished Black people like Kamala Harris (and the Obamas), it was truly another night of ego-scalded agony for the impotently fuming Trump to rant about on his failing social media site.
[Playing the Barack Obama hand gesture clip] “Oh, oh, ohhh. Yeah, I see what he did there. Yeah, that’s brutal. That’s the second time this summer the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack.”
jordan klepper
“Then Stormy Daniels said, ‘Nothing to fact-check there.'”
jimmy fallon
[After Michelle Obama effortlessly turned Trump’s typically racist “Black jobs” slur back on him] “She’s very good. She’s very, very good. I’m a little bummed she doesn’t want to get into politics, but I’m very happy she doesn’t want to host a late-night talk show.”
seth meyers
“It was the first time Trump was like, ‘That’s enough TV, I’m gonna go exercise and read a book.'”
jimmy fallon
“Michelle and Barack really roasted Trump. It got even worse tonight because the speakers were Nikki Glaser, Tom Brady, and Jeff Ross.”
jimmy fallon
[On the Obamas’ message] “Thats the good stuff, you know. Inject that ‘hope and change’-y sh*t into my veins
jordan klepper
“[Barack] Obama said sequels are usually worse and then Trump looked at Don Jr. and said, ‘Touché.'”
jimmy fallon
“[After potential First Gentleman Doug Emhoff’s comparatively regular-guy speech] “Yeah, that sure is a Doug. Has there ever been a more ‘guy named Doug’ in history?”
jordan klepper
[Contrasting that with former First Lady Michelle Obama’s crowd-enthralling speech] “That’s not a Doug. Not an ounce of Doug on it.”
jordan klepper
DNC Night Two, Donald Trump Still Zero
While Stephen Colbert’s Late Show is the only program staying up late enough to do rundowns of all the Democratic National’s Convention’s Chicago exuberance live, that only gives his competitors time to refine their one-liners on the night following. From Chuck Schumer’s dance moves, to Lil Jon repurposing “Turn Down for What” into a Kamala Harris anthem, to all the Trump put-downs a convention hall filled with righteously pissed off Democrats tasting blood in the water can muster, there’s certainly no shortage of material. You know, especially since the jam-packed speaker roster inevitably running very long means that the night’s shows (and this column) get delayed into the wee hours.
[On Lil Jon’s surprise appearance delivering Georgia’s roll call vote for Kamala Harris] “Wow. Wow. Wow. I didn’t know politics was so lit. I’m gonna start voting.”
jordan klepper
[On conventioneers cheering Lil Jon while hoisting pictures of Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz] “First of all ,that must be the first Lil Jon performance in history where attendees held up giant cardboard cutouts of a white guy’s head. Especially that white guy’s head.”
seth meyers
“I just know that when Lil Jon wrote this song, he was thinking to himself, ‘This will absolutely rip at the 2024 Democratic National Convention.'”
jordan klepper
“Even C-SPAN covered it… although they should have used his official title, Rep. Lil Jon, D-Crunksylvania.”
seth meyers
“I’d love to hear someone explaining to the older white delegates who Lil Jon is. ‘He’s a rapper, mom. You know, that musical genre invented by Lin-Manuel Miranda?'”
jordan klepper
[On Senate Majority Speaker Chuck Schumer’s attempt to get into the DNC spirit by—let’s call it dancing to the podium] “Looks like someone is trying to make the Australian breakdancing team. ‘My name is Chuck Schumer, but my breaking name is also Chuck Schumer.'”
seth meyers
“They actually had a DJ spinning songs for each state as they came up. he played ‘Motownphilly’ for Pennsylvania, a Chappell Roan song for her home state of Missouri. Iowa probably had ‘Happy Birthday” or some sh*t.”
jordan klepper
[After Michigan’s delegates messed up their roll call speech following the Eminem “Lose Yourself” hype-up intro music] “Michigan, what are you doing? You embarrassed us in front of Illinois!”
michigan native jordan klepper
“This is why you go to rehearsal, ladies. You literally only had one shot and you missed your chance to blow! This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo!”
jordan klepper
[On an unfortunate attendee caught on camera adjusting his tooth aligners] “Who is the cameraman who staked out this guy for 30 hours just to get that two-second shot, you know? This is a convention, not a Planet Earth shoot. ‘Watch the aging liberal slowly prepare his mouth to attract a mate.'”
jordan klepper
And Speaking of Zeroes
Donald Trump attempted some DNC counter-programming by holding a press conference to lie about rising crime (it’s fallen under Biden/Harris, dramatically) and scare suburban white voters by warning white women they’ll inevitably get raped buying bread. All under the smiling, nodding eyes of a cadre of white law enforcement from the Michigan city of Howell, where cops similarly stood by and admired a recent hate rally by literal Nazis chanting, among other things, “We love Hitler and we love Trump.” At least Donald Trump still knows his base.
It was all the same tired old lies, fear-mongering, and race-baiting from Trump, who, as Seth Meyers noted, even seemed unimpressed and dejected by his own beyond played-out schtick. Playing a clip of Trump sighing and mumbling as he—wait for it—lied that his polling isn’t sinking in the face of all this Democratic zeal. “You okay, little buddy,” Meyers asked solicitously, “You sound like you went through a really bad breakup. ‘Yeah, Jessica left, and she took the kids. But I’m actually doing great in this area, I just played through Breath of the Wild for the third time.'”
“As a rule, if you’ve been found guilty of 34 felony counts, maybe don’t have the police stand right behind you. I mean, looks like they’re about to take you away.”
seth meyers
[Over that picture of a dejected-looking Trump slouched over at Mar-a-Lago] “I haven’t seen Trump this depressed since that time, I guess, his mom forgot to pick him up at the golf course.”
seth meyers
“Every time I see this picture, I hear the Charlie Brown music in my head.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s ongoing obsession with telling crowds he’s more attractive than Kamala Harris] “He sounds like a silent film actress in a retirement home watching an episode of Dallas. ‘I’m better looking than she is, right, Daryl?’ ‘Ma’am, I’m just here to drop off your Jell-O.'”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s other obsession of lying about his dwindling rally crowds] “Of course there’s no way Trump would actually admit those seats were empty. ‘I want to welcome our wonderful supporters, including the many ghosts who are here tonight. If you see an empty seat, there’s probably a spooky little demon up there, or perhaps even a poltergeist. We have such tremendous support from wraiths, phantoms, ghosts, goblins, specters, apparitions, and ghouls, we love the ghouls.'”
seth meyers
The Colbert Early Report
As noted, Stephen Colbert gets the live scoop on each night’s DNC speakers, including Night Three luminaries like Stevie Wonder, Oprah Winfrey, and Tim Walz. Look for everyone else to try and top him tomorrow.
[On speaker Stevie Wonder telling Harris, “I just want to say I love you”] “In person! Usually he just calls to say that. That’s huge!”
stephen colbert
[After Kenan Thompson’s Zoom talk with an A.V. technician from Nevada glitched out] “Oh no, does anybody know an A.V. tech in Nevada?”
stephen colbert
[On reports that Bill Clinton changed his speech for ” a more youthful approach” in response to the DNC’s vibe] “That’s cool, although a youthful approach is also what got him into trouble back in the 1990’s.”
stephen colbert
[On Clinton explaining that, at 78, the former President is still younger than Trump] “That’s true. It’s just hard to tell because Clinton is aging naturally and Trump looks like he sleeps on one of those 7-11 hot dog rollers.”
stephen colbert
[On Kamala Harris-endorsing speaker Oprah Winfrey] “‘This year, Oprah’s favorite things include a functioning democracy, reproductive rights, and a Phillips 3000-series brand air fryer. Enjoy your democracy with the crispiest potato skins imaginable.'”
stephen colbert
[On Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg mocking Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance by saying, “at least Mike Pence was polite”] “Its true, on January 6 he said to the mob, ‘Thank you for the offer but I’m allergic to rope.'”
stephen colbert
[On Buttigieg condemning the GOP’s claim that American greatness involves “going back to the past “] “But they’re not telling you that once you do that, your mom will get a crush on you and she’ll never hook up with your dad. And you’ll disappear from the photo until you, a white guy, teach Chuck Berry about rock and roll.”
stephen colbert
[On the appearance of former coach’s Tim Walz’s championship high school football team] “[Blows whistle] Flag on the play—too adorable. Roughing the heart, fifteen yards.”
stephen colbert
[After Walz, rebutting Trump’s Project 2025 anti-IVF nonsense shared a story about the conception of his daughter Hope, who flashed her dad a heart symbol] “[Tearing up] C’mon man. I’m trying to do a comedy show here, Hulk Hogan didn’t make me cry.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“This city is in my blood, and by that, I mean I suffer from a Duk’s hot dog cholesterol problem.”
Jordan Klepper, Live from chicago
“I read that RFK Jr. is planning on dropping out of the race and will likely endorse Trump. Trump heard and was like, ‘If you really want to help me, you’ll endorse Kamala.'”
jimmy fallon
[Revealing a picture of the worst fake watermelon ever] “Customs agents in San Diego seized two tons of meth that was hidden inside fake watermelons. Now for those of you that don’t know, meth is the type of drug that makes you think this will pass as a real watermelon.”
jimmy kimmel live guest host rupaul
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