Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
By Gawd—That’s the Education Secretary’s Music!
Seth Meyers did some admirable big picture jokes in his “A Closer Look” segment Wednesday night concerning the real reason why Donald Trump is putting nothing but billionaires and/or laughably unqualified TV hosts in charge of the government programs most relied upon by regular Americans. As Meyers put it as he took apart Democratic Senator Chris Coons (D-DE) for making a fawning, white flag-waving Fox News appearance in support of Elon Musk slashing government programs: “Seriously Democrats, you can’t say you want to win back the working class but also fanboy out over the richest man alive taking a hatchet to programs the working class depends on. You’re supposed to be the opposition. Sometimes shrinking everything isn’t the answer. Just look at Elon’s shirt.”
Okay, he got in a jab at billionaire plutocrat Musk’s jump-exposed tummy there, but the point stands. Playing clips of Bernie Sanders (I-VT) warning against the rise of a Putin-style oligarchy drooling to strip away any regulations against them strip-mining the country to pad their already bulging pockets, Meyers echoed Desi Lydic’s assessment of Trump’s open scheme to allow him and his wealthy henchmen to loot every penny they can as they destroy democracy. All while viewers of the Trump reality show cabinet are distracted by his sideshow picks of TV clowns and, as of yesterday, pro wrestling promoters to important agencies.
It’s an effective strategy, apparently, as most late-night shows went hard for the dangling bait that was former TV quack Mehmet Oz being nominated to destroy Medicare and Medicaid and former WWE CEO Linda McMahon (who’s got her own sexual abuse scandal, since who in this cascading sh*tshow doesn’t) to head the Department of Education. As opposed to crafting jokes about the fact that Trump intends to eliminate that department entirely. After all, oligarchs need an uneducated workforce all tired out from watching rasslin’ to load all that stolen Earth money into their Mars rockets.
“It’s a day that ends in a Y, which means that Donald Trump has made another cabinet pick that makes you go, ‘Why?'”
stephen colbert
“There’s not gonna be a layer of competent workers at some point. It’s just celebrities all the way down.”
desi lydic
“Oh come on Bernie, you’re being ridiculous. You’re acting like billionaires are on stage next to presidential candidates literally jumping for joy and—oh sh*t!”
seth meyers
[On Musk’s Tom Cruise-style little leaps] “This clip proves that money can buy you almost anything, but it can’t buy you ups.”
seth meyers
“Donald Trump isn’t really picking leaders of agencies, he’s just picking mascots. But nobody expects Mr. Met to actually pick up a bat and hit a ball. Because, one, he would just be terrible at it. And two, you’re just asking him to hit his children and he can’t do that.”
desi lydic
“What does the former head of a wrestling league know about education. Oh no, are teachers gonna open class now by making sweaty threats into microphones? ‘Oh, you’re in for it now brother. Oooh, you forgot to carry the one and now I’m gonna carry you to your grave!'”
seth meyers
“Fun fact, the new Secretary of Education nominee has no teaching background. But you know what they say, ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t get a job in the Trump administration.'”
stephen colbert
“But to be fair, Trump isn’t just filling his cabinet with daytime TV personalities, he’s also hiring from pay-per-view.”
desi lydic
[On Coons praising Musk’s managerial prowess] “Good point, maybe Musk could do for our government what he did for Twitter. My issue with FEMA has always been the lack of hate speech and porn bots. I’m looking forward to the next disaster alert: ‘If u looking for good time join xxx video call with fun real girls right now. The government has issued a flood warning—in my pants!!!'”
seth meyers
“Okay, hold on. It could be worse. At least Dr. Oz is an actual doctor. I’m impressed he didn’t pick Dr. Pepper.”
desi lydic
[On Mehmet Oz’s complete lack of government experience] “He doesn’t? I thought when he did that episode on how to get a flatter stomach I thought he was doing so as the Assistant Undersecretary of State for Washboard Abs.”
seth meyers
[On the many, many times Oz promoted quack cures for his TV show] “I hope he was promoting quack science for personal gain. It would be way weirder if he was just doing it for the love of the game.”
desi lydic
“So now he’s adding Dr. Oz to his cabinet on top of a wrestling executive and a former Real World contestant. Who’s next, is he gonna make Chumlee the Treasury Secretary? [Photo of the Washington Monument] ‘Mr. President, I think we can make at least a thousand bucks if we sell this big old penis statue.'”
seth meyers
[On Oz opining about the relative acceptability of third-cousin sex] “That headline again: Dr. Oz has a hot third cousin.”
stephen colbert
[After a clip of Oz chiming in on how to find a woman’s G-spot] “Listen, if you need a CNN segment to teach you how to make your wife orgasm, don’t worry. She’s been f**king the neighbor for six months.”
desi lydic
[After a clip of TV host Oz taking a big whiff of some lady’s urine] “He’s right, it offers a lot of clues. For example, if you’re sniffin’ people’s pee on television, it’s possible that you freaky.”
stephen colbert
“Trump also named his new Press Secretary. It’s former campaign press secretary and woman in a Hallmark movie who moved home for Christmas to throw paint at the gay bakery, Karoline Leavitt.”
stephen colbert
[On Leavitt’s plans to open the White House press briefings to Trump’s favorite podcasters] “‘Okay let’s get started. President Trump has decided to invade Greenland, any questions? Yeah, Hawk Tuah girl. We will get to you next, Mr. The Rizzler.'”
stephen colbert
WaterGaetz
Republicans looove sex criminals. At least that’s the conclusion one might draw from the deadlocked vote from the House Ethics Committee on Wednesday, where every single GOP member voted to hide their already-completed investigation into whether recently resigned Florida Congressman and Donald Trump’s number one special boy pick for Attorney General of the United State Matt Gaetz is a creepy predator of underage girls. (Spoiler: Yup.)
(Those Republican members are Michael Guest (R-MS), David Joyce (R-OH), John Rutherford (R-FL), Andrew Garbarino (R-NY), and Michelle Fischbach (R-MN), in case you feel like sharing your thoughts. )
And of course they did. Pointing out GOP hypocrisy is like complaining that that scorpion stung you. (What, did you really believe he was just all about egg prices when you picked him up?) Anyway, while Americans just gloss over the fact that so much of the shameless corruption and hurtful legislation passed by Congress comes down to the fact that there’s never a single Republican willing to join essentially every Democrat in doing the decent thing, Gaetz’s fate as the number one law enforcement official in the land remains cloudy, thanks to the GOP kicking over the stinking bucket of under-oath damning testimony that Gaetz is a slimeball sex criminal, drug fiend, and influence peddler and running out the door with their fingers in their ears.
“Every Republican on the House committee, every member of the law and order, family values party voted against releasing their findings. Just like you’d do with any ethics report that completely exonerates someone.”
jimmy kimmel
“What the hell is it that they don’t want us to see? Because the stuff we already know is so terrible that if Gaetz ever moves to a new neighborhood he’s gonna have to introduce himself door-to-door. ‘Hi, I’m legally required to let you know that I’m the Attorney General.'”
stephen colbert
“Releasing the report would require one Republican, only one, to vote with Democratic members of the committee. In other words, in a party full of Minions, we have to hope that one of them is a Stuart.”
jimmy kimmel
“So the vote went along strict party lines. And when Geatz heard the words ‘party lines,’ he showed up with a rolled-up hundred dollar bill.”
stephen colbert
[On GOP Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) claiming of Trump, “He’s not gonna pick somebody that’s a criminal”] “Uh Tommy, I’ve got some news you might want to hear. The president is a criminal, 34 times over.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump nominated two more billionaires to his cabinet while another billionaire, Elon Musk, came to the defense of Trump’s Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz. Who’s not a billionaire but only because he doesn’t like any number higher than 18.”
seth meyers
“So far he’s made a number of cabinet picks whose main qualification seems to be being on TV. His Defense Secretary is a guy from Fox & Friends, his Transportation Secretary is a guy from Fox Business, and his Attorney General is a guy who I’m pretty sure was on To Catch a Predator.”
desi lydic
“At least one witness testified that she saw Gaetz having sex with a 17-year old at a party, and that is not allowed at Chuck E. Cheese at all.”
jimmy kimmel
[On a photo of J.D. Vance and Matt Gaetz] “There they are, J.D. and V.D. together.”
jimmy kimmel
“Poor J.D. Vance. Trump’s off going to rocket launches with Elon Musk, he’s going to UFC. J.D. Vance is stuck chaperoning the world’s creepiest prom king in Washington.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Elon Musk rushing to gush over Trump’s AG pick on his Nazi-infested, dwindling social media site] “‘He’s got a big brain, he’s got a spine of steel, and his eyes will be wide open because he can’t close ‘em because of all the botox.'”
seth meyers
[On Musk comparing Gaetz’s vengeance-minded AG plans to comic book fascist character Judge Dredd] “Also, if you’re the nation’s top law enforcement officer, you’re not supposed to have an axe to grind. You wouldn’t go to a doctor whose wife left him for you. ‘Oh hello Dave. I hope you’re enjoying sleeping with my wife. Now are you ready for your colonoscopy? Oh just FYI, we’re out of anesthesia!'”
seth meyers
“If Gaetz wants to get confirmed in the Senate, he’s got a lot of work to do. Not on his face, he’s already done too much on that.”
stephen colbert
Heavy Grifting
The first QVC/QAnon president-elect and his brood might be counting on their oligarch pals’ trickle-sideways generosity, but that doesn’t mean the Trump clan doesn’t still have time to fleece the regular folk who soon won’t be able to afford to go to the doctor.
“Yep, Laura Trump’s new athleisure line is called the LT brand. Not to be confused with Trump’s athleisure line, delululemon.”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump selling ugly $10,000 personalized guitars] “That’s right, a man who does not play the guitar is selling limited-edition guitars. There he is, Skeevy Ray Vaughan.”
jimmy kimmel
“The guy who says we can’t afford apples is selling $10,000 dollar guitars.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
[On Wednesday being President Biden’s 82nd birthday] “Happy birthday, Joe! we got you a cake [pulls out empty cake stand] but Nancy Pelosi insisted you sacrifice it for the good of democracy.”
stephen colbert
[On the widely speculated-upon clip of Donald Trump Jr. putting his hand in his pocket and then rubbing something into his gums] “Let’s not jump to conclusions, maybe he’s got some Fun Dip in there.”
jimmy kimmel
[On being down to just four escaped monkeys in South Carolina] “They’re down to the final four. Which means they’re headed to the fantasy suites. And then we meet the monkeys’ parents.”
stephen colbert
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