Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Keep It Down Now
After all the legal maneuvering and public posturing, the online threats against judges, lawyers and their families, and the incessant whining over on his sinking social media network, it looks like Donald Trump is finally going to trial on Monday. For those keeping score, this is Trump’s criminal hush money trial (the first ever criminal prosecution of a former President) concerning allegations that he paid a whole lot of money to keep voters from learning that he cheated on his third wife with adult film actress Stormy Daniels. And, sure, Trump being Trump, a volley of last-ditch lawsuits have been filed to prevent the trial from going forward on Monday as scheduled, with the former President’s lawyers arguing for a change in venue and even suing Judge Juan Merchan for issuing a gag order (that Trump has repeatedly violated) seeking to keep him from further slandering the judge’s daughter.
As ever when it comes to Donald Trump’s many, many legal issues, there’s a danger of comic burnout as the legal wrangling stretches on. Still, late-night hosts seem invigorated at the prospect of this particular trial actually kicking to life, with Stephen Colbert opening his monologue by exclaiming, to his audience’s great pleasure, “It was an absolutely beautiful day here in New York City. The sun was shining, 75 degrees, the light was sparkling on the Hudson, the flowers were blooming in Central Park. And in Lower Manhattan, Donald Trump is going on trial next Monday.”
“Trump’s lawyers argued that the former President couldn’t get a fair trial because the jury pool has been polluted by news coverage of Trump’s other recent cases. So are you saying members of the jury can’t have seen any news about Donald Trump’s crimes? His crimes are the news.”
stephen colbert
“Who would that possibly leave? ‘Your honor, it is only fair that our client be judged by an impartial jury who know nothing about the events in America over the last nine years. Might I recommend 12 confused men who were dropped off in a forest as infants and then raised by wolves? Or could we acquire some clone babies that has have been rapidly aged in some sort of machine and then released into the jury box? Oh, they think he’s guilty, too?'”
stephen colbert
“Lawyers for former President Trump filed an appeal yesterday in his hush money case and asked to move the trial out of Manhattan because of possible jury bias. You were President! The whole country has a bias. The only way you’re getting a juror who doesn’t know you is if it’s randomly Tiffany.”
seth meyers
“Now if you told Stephen Colbert as a teenager that one day the President of the United States would be standing trial for paying off a porn star, that young man would say, ‘You have porn?'”
stephen colbert
“It sounds like something out of an episode of Seinfeld. ‘Theres a gag order in the hush money trial? Can you gag a hush?’ ‘Oh, you can gag a hush for sure.'”
jimmy kimmel
“An appeals court judge rejected Trump’s effort to delay his hush money trial as he appeals the gag order. Of course the hush money trial is about having sex, so when the witness testimony starts we’ll be the ones gagging.”
stephen colbert
“He’s doing everything he can to delay this hush money trial. Which is what innocent people do, right?”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump’s change of venue request wasn’t the only desperate stunt he pulled. He also tried suing the judge. Yes it’s bizarro court—the defendant is suing the judge, the Bible’s swearing on the plaintiff, and the gavel is banging everyone.”
stephen colbert
“And because of the high-profile names in this case, the judge is also asking jurors to disclose their media diet. Okay, that’s all media, including porn. So they’ll need to know if jurors have seen Operation Desert Stormy, The Witches of Breastwick, and Home Alone 2.”
stephen colbert
How Proud Are You, Exactly?
A side-story in Trump’s upcoming criminal trial is the aforementioned jury selection, in which potential jurors have been screened for preexisting biases concerning the twice-impeached, legally-defined rapist and internationally televised insurrectionist. Tough order, as hosts brought out the arduously constructed juror questionnaire the New York court devised to establish potential jurors’ political stances.
As several hosts noted, while straight-up asking, “Who did you vote for?” is not allowed, several questions did ask jurors to list their memberships in such right-wing, violent organizations as the Oathkeepers, Three Percenters, Proud Boys, Boogaloo Boys, QAnon, and, as Jimmy Kimmel suggested, “the Pep Boys, Backstreet Boys, Boys II Men, The Baha Men, Juggalos, Bronies, Trekkies, Furries, Oompa Loompas, or Kanye West.” You can’t be too careful.
“It asks questions like whether they believe in QAnon, use Truth Social, or attend Trump rallies. In other words he wants to know, ‘Are you Marjorie Taylor Greene?'”
jimmy fallon
“I wish I could get in on questioning these potential jurors. I feel like I’d be so good at it. ‘And one final question sir, does your truck have nutz?”
jimmy kimmel
“‘Let me remind you you’re under oath, Oathkeepers. And you’re under boogaloo, boys.'”
stephen colbert
“[The judge] could ask potential jurors as many as 42 questions, or, if you’re wearing antlers, zero.”
jimmy fallon
Student Sweat Relief
The Biden administration’s long battle to enact meaningful debt relief for college students crippled by student loans continued on Monday. With Republicans, the conservative side of the Supreme Court, and grumpy tightwads everywhere throwing roadblocks in front of previous plans, Biden’s current proposal would alleviate debts from students who owe more than they borrowed due to runaway interest rates, grads in public service, and those suffering hardships, among others.
Weathering the gale of sneering stinginess from wealthy GOP politicians (many of whom had their own PPP loans forgiven) and one-percenters (who continue to benefit from Donald Trump and the GOP’s massive, trillion-dollar tax break ), the Biden camp’s efforts to relive some student loan debt marches on—even if their messaging could be a bit sharper.
“Interesting that they call this student debt ‘forgiveness.’ As though the student did something wrong. ‘We forgive you for being a poor, broke bitch.'”
michael kosta
“President Biden introduced a plan yesterday to reduce student loan debt for over 25 million borrowers. And in typical Democratic fashion, he did it during the eclipse. When are you going to announce universal health care, 11:59 on New Year’s Eve?”
seth meyers
“Now some critics are saying that this student loan forgiveness is just a cynical bribe by Joe to give young people what they want so they vote for him. And they’re right—it’s an ancient tactic called politics.”
Michael Kosta
Up To The States, Before They Were States
In a breaking Tuesday story that will no doubt be covered more fully (and furiously) by monologists in the days and weeks to come, the Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a complete abortion ban first established in 1864 was to go into effect. In the year 2024.
With Donald Trump’s recent announcement that he would leave abortion up to individual states both fooling nobody (Trump has stated proudly he’d sign a national abortion ban if passed) and pissing off everybody (including his staunch ultra-conservative base), the court’s atavistic decision has thrown gasoline on an already incendiary issue, put Arizona completely in play in the upcoming election, and given late-night hosts plenty to talk about. Jimmy Kimmel cottoned onto the GOP PR spin pretty quickly, saying, “This is a game they’re playing, ’cause 7 out of 10 Americans believe women should have the right to choose, and Republicans are losing elections on this.”
“Trump believes that every woman should have the right to drive 600 miles for healthcare.”
jimmy kimmel
“President Biden attacked former President Trump over his stance on abortion, which Trump describes as, ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.'”
seth meyers
[On Trump publicly sparring with anti-choice absolutist Lindsey Graham] “It’s like wrestling but with guys, if you saw them in their underpants, you would throw up.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“According to a new survey, half of Americans consider their car to be part of the family, while the other half do know what words mean.”
seth meyers
[On the eclipse] “When people across the country came together to have their wallets stolen while they were distracted by space.”
michael Kosta
“All the networks want to air a Biden-Trump debate. On NBC, they would present it as Law & Order SVU: AARP. On ABC, they would presnt it as The Golden Bachelors Tell All. And on CBS, they would present the debate as Super Old Sheldons.”
jimmy fallon
“It’s been two weeks since Truth Social went public and, as of this morning, the company has lost a third of its value and is now trading at its lowest level since its trading debut. It’s a phenomenon that legendary economist John Maynard Keynes once called [slide whistle] [fart noise].”
stephen colbert
[On news that Trump Media’s accounting firm BF Borgers has a 100 percent deficiency rate and represented a mixed martial arts concern named Lingerie Fighting Championships Inc.] “Turns out, Victorias Secret? She tore a dude’s throat out.”
stephen colbert
[On day-after reports of eclipse-watchers googling “my eyes hurt”] “Back in the day, if you had eye pain you’d call up your family doctor and he’d tell you to smoke more cigarettes. Nowadays you have to wait six weeks to get an appointment with your eye doctor, or you can go online and immediately find out that the eclipse glasses gave you autism.”
michael kosta
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