Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Like Veep, But Tragic
With the Republican National Convention beginning on Monday in Milwaukee, speculation turns to which toadying GOP sycophant who’s on record insulting Donald Trump in the past Donald Trump will pick. Apparently the roster of Republicans who’ve healed up enough from their dignity removal surgery to answer the call is down to J.D. Vance, Marco Rubio, and Doug Burgum, who Stephen Colbert maintains is “the cute one.”
And that’s just one of the hot button issues on the minds of RNC watchers, as Republican fans and critics alike will be on the lookout for conservative think tank and RNC sponsor The Heritage Foundation’s welcome banners, despite the fact that nominee-to-be Trump is desperately trying to distance himself from that group’s voter-repelling Project 2025. Similarly, pundits have already latched onto the suspiciously Project 2025-sounding GOP platform, which Stephen Colbert notes reads like a commemorative bound collection of Donald Trump tweets. Noting how this year’s convention promises to be less “a statement of republican Party values” and more “a Pledge of Allegiance to Mr. Trump,” Colbert launched into his Trump impression, reciting, “I pledge of allegiance to the flag that I am currently groping. And to the election which Mike Pence stole, one nugget, extra fries, with Hannibal and Lecter for whale.”
“Oh, speaking of New York swamp-ass, Donald Trump.”
stephen colbert
“Trump needs someone who’s gonna help him win, so so right now the front runner is Joe Biden.”
jimmy fallon
“The Late Show will be live right there all next week. We’re bringing you all the latest updates from the event where you are disappointed but not surprised to see your brother-in-law.”
stephen colbert
“Trump’s campaign needs to win over women and minorities, which is why he’s narrowed it down to two white guys.”
jimmy fallon
[On reports that Vance’s VP bid is hampered by Trump’s avowed dislike of facial hair] “Wow. Trump doesn’t like beards? I mean, who on earth would he hate… [shows pictures of bearded Don Jr and Eric]. Okay, yeah, makes sense.”
stephen colbert
Google Project 2025—No, Seriously, Google That Mess
While Daily Show co-hosts Desi Lydic and Jordan Klepper hinted that President Biden’s recent tweet urging people to do a little internet research about Project 2025 represented the administration’s attempt to pull focus from the debate, the hosts conceded that the GOP plan for America is some genuinely upsetting stuff. From eliminating everything from civil rights to environmental protections to essentially turning a (GOP) president into a checks-and-balances-free dictator surrounded by fawning cronies, the 900-Heritage Foundation plan reads like a childish amalgamation of every dystopian vision of America ever written. (The Handmaid’s Tale parallel is a given, while the jury’s still out on whether it envisions Trump as a sexual predator desert warlord hoarding precious water in an irradiated wasteland. It’s 900 pages, you guys.)
People have, indeed, been following the President’s advice to Google Project 2025, with the resulting avalanche of shock and outrage amongst those who aren’t all that fond of a second Trump administration wiping out Social Security and slashing veterans’ benefits mounting high enough that Trump himself has vainly attempted to distance himself. In that he sent out his own tweet denying he’s ever heard of any of the architects of Project 2025, expecting Americans to ignore that some 31 (of 38) close Trump appointees or hires were intimately involved in writing it. Calling the plan “conservative fan fiction that could very well become fan reality,” Lydic mocked Trump for pretending he’s not 100 percent on board with the hate-filled manifesto, noting, “The people behind Project 2025 were some of Donald Trump’s top aides, but apparently it’s getting a little too controversial for Trump now, because he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie.”
[On Trump’s claim that he’s unaware of Project 2025’s contents] “You expect us to believe that Donald Trump didn’t read a 900 page—okay, now that I’m saying it, I hear it.”
jordan klepper
“And it’s full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. Which is bad news for people who like to masturbate and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to our flourishing coral reefs.”
desi lydic
“This is textbook Trump. He hides his dogwhistes next to some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a Cheesecake Factory menu, you know? There’s something for everybody. And he doesn’t mind if it’s full of contradictions. He hasn’t read Project 2025 but he likes parts of it. He doesn’t know who’s behind it but he hired most of them. He thinks it’s abysmal but he wishes them luck. He’s got one hand in his pocket and the other one’s giving a high-five.”
jordan klepper
“Here’s the thing, when Trump is pretending to know something, he’s a pretty good liar. But when he’s pretending he doesn’t know something, he’s a terrible liar.”
seth meyers
“He wants us to Google it? Kinda phoning in the attack there, aren’t you, Joe? Although I’m not entirely convinced Biden wasn’t just trying to Google Project 2025.”
jordan klepper
[After noting how Trump’s “I don’t know them but I wish them well” about Project 2025 is almost a verbatim repeat of his denial about a certain convicted child sex trafficker] “Here’s a tweet idea for Joe Biden. ‘Google Ghislaine Maxwell.'”
Jordan Klepper
Breaking: Joe Biden Remains Old
While some of the hosts appeared to have gotten their harshest takes concerning President Biden’s supposed infirmity out of their systems in Monday’s late-night bloodbath, there was still residual Biden-baiting aplenty in Tuesday’s monologues. While the President hosts NATO leaders in Washington on the heels of his shut-down letter reaffirming his candidacy, Democrats joined comics in taking the occasional potshot at the 81-year-old leader’s determination to be the one to take down Trump. The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic and Jordan Klepper, playing catchup after part-timer Jon Stewart’s controversial rant on Monday, engaged in some cheeky segue comedy, comparing Biden’s decision to hold firm to the houseguest who reportedly fled Gywnneth Paltrow’s guest house after doing something awful in her guest house. As Klepper concluded the bit, “Sometimes the bed-sh*tter you know is better than the bed-sh*tter you don’t.”
[On a poll showing that Hillary Clinton would beat Donald Trump] “When she heard, Hillary burst into the Democratic meeting like the Kool-Aid man.”
jimmy fallon
[After President Biden compared Donald Trump to infamous GOP bigot George Wallace] “That’s right, he’s fighting those age allegations by making a joke about the governor of Alabama in 1963.”
seth meyers
[After one source called the Democratic meeting to discuss election strategy as Dems’ “come to Jesus” moment] “No no, do not let Joe come anywhere near Jesus until November 6. Walk away from the light, Joe!”
stephen colbert
“Sorry, they are not the same. They’re just not the same. For example, if you go on vacation, would you rather leave the kids with your elderly parents or with Jared from Subway?”
kathryn hahn
“In a call yesterday with donors, President Biden reportedly said said he’s ‘done talking about the debate.’ Bold strategy considering that was also his strategy during the debate.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“I’ve had such an amazing time, I totally get why Jimmy does this three months out of the year.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host kathryn hahn
“Two men in Idaho recently set a Guinness world record by passing a giant inflatable ball back and forth nearly 8,000 times. The record was for ‘Least Weekend Plans.'”
seth meyers
“[On fascist French party National Rally coming in third in France’s elections] “And you never want to end up in the third spot in a French three-way. By the time you get in there, nobody’s got the energy to butter your baguette. And I don’t know what that means.”
stephen colbert
“Disgraced Fyre Festival organizer Billy McFarland is reportedly working for the Trump campaign, which is the first good news Biden’s gotten in weeks.”
seth meyers
[After third-party candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr, accused of eating barbecued dog in a Vanity Fair article, clarified the three things he’d never eat were dog, human, and monkey] “Okay good to know. Explains his new campaign slogan: Kennedy 2024: I Will Eat This Kitten.”
stephen colbert
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