Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Trump Gags
After repeatedly attacking the daughter of the New York judge presiding over his criminal fraud case, Loren Merchan, the judge extended an existing gag order prohibiting the Republican from publicly sending his red-hatted cultists after the families of Merchan and Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg. Trump naturally took only a few hours to post yet another attack against Merchan’s daughter, in the form of a retweet of Fox News sycophant Brian Kilmeade’s baseless accusations on Fox & Friends.
With the presumptive GOP presidential nominee openly flouting every supposed safeguard against everything from witness tampering to thuggish, Mob-style intimidation, late-night hosts on Tuesday were quick to mock both the loose-lipped Trump and the system that appears satisfied with wagging an ineffectual finger in his direction with each successive, dangerous outrage. Summing up the collective comic fatigue, Stephen Colbert noted, “Yesterday, the judge expanded the gag order in Trump’s hush money case. It makes sense, because for me, the order goes: Think about Trump, then gag.”
“That is the judge in the Stormy D. hush money case. Last night, he expanded the gag order put in place to prevent Trump from attacking relatives of courtroom staff or the prosecution. He signed him up for the friends and family ban.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yes, Donald Trump wants us to believe that attacking people’s family members is somehow core political speech. But we know it is not. It’s why JFK never said this: [Plays clip of Kennedy’s famous speech] ‘Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask why yo’ momma so fat.’”
stephen colbert
[On the possible consequence that Trump may lose access to jurors’ information] “Why does he have access to the jurors’ names? That’s like giving Cruella de Vil the address to the local animal shelter.”
seth meyers
“Donald Trump thinks a gag order is what Melania thinks when she sees him get out of the hot tub.”
jimmy kimmel
“First of all, what a tool. Second, how does he believe this is in any way going to help his case? It’s like a baseball player walking up to the plate, hitting the umpire in the nuts with his bat and then saying, ‘Your son is next.’”
stephen colbert
“This morning, he did it again. He wrote a whole diatribe on Truth Social, and guess what happened to him? Nothing. Are laws real? because I’ve been stupidly following them my whole life.”
jimmy kimmel
Going Green
Perhaps sensing that people the world over need to do some serious chilling out, Germany has legalized recreational marijuana this week, while Florida’s Supreme Court (more on them later) allowed a referendum on legal weed to be placed on this November’s ballot. It’s a victory for fans of a naturally growing plant with more legitimate medical uses and far fewer detrimental effects than universally legal and corporate-profitable alcohol, although Stephen Colbert’s PSA warned potential Florida “yes on weed” voters, “Before you’re gonna legalize weed, I just hope you’re prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.”
“The state Supreme Court just ruled that a measure to legalize marijuana can appear on the ballot this fall. I know, it’s shocking. Apparently Florida has laws. “
jimmy fallon
“Germans rang in the news at midnight on Monday, with thousands lighting celebratory joints at the Brandenburg Gate. It’s the very first time it hasn’t been terrifying to see a big group of germans gathering together to burn down.”
stephen colbert
“Good for them. But, you know, maybe they should have done it sooner. Imagine how the world would have been better if they’d done it in the 1930’s.”
stephen colbert
[On Florida] “Now when kids hear their grandparents complain about their joints, it’ll have nothing to do with their arthritis.”
jimmy fallon
“I feel bad for Amsterdam. Up ’til now, they were Europe’s pot dealer. You had to go all the way to their place, pretend to be impressed by the canals. ‘Ohhh, it’s like a road but it’s wet…’”
stephen colbert
“Health Minister Karl Lauterbach also celebrated the new law, saying, ‘Cannabis use already existed yesterday. Now it’s exiting the taboo zone.’ Of course, The Taboo Zone also Berlin’s number one night club for group sex and angular dancing.”
stephen colbert
Bond Villain
After Donald Trump was able to post his reduced $175 million bond in the New York financial fraud case this week, it came out that the person securing the bond was one Don Hankey, whose Knight Specialty Insurance has already underwritten loans to help Trump refinance Trump Tower, among other deals. Hosts were quick to jump on the fact that the billionaire Trump associate and booster is also known as the “king of subprime car loans,” in which his company routinely repossesses vehicles from its own customers.
“He sells loans to people with less than exceptional credit. Forbes says his company repossesses about 250 cars a day. Our former President got a loan from a repo man.”
jimmy kimmel
“You know their slogan: Turned down by the banky? Don’t get so cranky. Call me, Don Hankey. You’ll say, ‘why, thanky!’ Don, good luck with the case about the porn star spanky.”
stephen colbert
“Speaking of Trump, he finally paid the $175 million bond in his New York civil fraud case. The money came from an insurer out in California, but in order to get the bond, Trump had to put up some collateral. Now, we don’t know exactly what Trump promised he’d give up in exchange for the money [subliminal photo of Eric], that information isn’t public. So all we can do is speculate. [subliminal photo of Eric] But once we find out more, we’re gonna let you know. [Subliminal photo of Eric]
jimmy fallon
“He got [a loan] courtesy of the Knight Specialty insurance Company, which I’m guessing did not Google the phrase, ‘Who is Donald Trump?’”
jimmy kimmel
Florida, Man
It was a crushing news/chance to undo crushing news situation in Florida Tuesday, as that state’s Supreme Court (in addition to the whole weed thing) kept in place a six-week abortion ban (meaning pregnant women won’t know they’re pregnant until it’s too late) and allowed a vote in the November elections to enshrine abortion rights in the state’s constitution. For Florida’s women, it’s yet another right-wing push to control their bodies and deny their humanity, with The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic being the only late-night host to take the issue on.
“Florida, what is going on here? You’re restricting abortion but you’re also putting it on the ballot? Pick a lane! These are some crazy mood swings—you’d better hope you’re not pregnant.”
desi Lydic
“I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I feel like Ron DeSantis’ face.”
desi Lydic
“But, hey, at least abortion is on the ballot. Finally, the people of Florida will be able to choose something besides community service or jail time.”
desi lydic
The Truth Will Cost You Fees
Lest LateNighters let us forget that Donald Trump is really, truly terrible with finances, his Truth Social public offering continued to blow up in his face on Tuesday, with the legendarily overinflated value of his flailing social media platform currently trading down some 40 percent from its opening price last week. (Maybe it was the report that the ego-stroking Twitter knockoff only took in $4 million in 2023 revenue while losing a whopping $58 million.) Regardless, hosts remained bullish on “Trump is broke” jokes.
“Last week, Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social went public with a value of 8 billion dollars. Which seems like a lot for a website whose business model is, ‘What if Twitter was just Nazis?’”
desi lydic
“The downturn happened after Truth Social posted a loss of $58 million in 2023. Coincidentally, Trump has just announced the release of the Kid Rock Bawitdaba, Da-Bang, Da-Bang Bible. It’s got the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Declaration of Independence, and Kid Rock’s family recipe for crystal meth.”
stephen colbert
“Yeah, Trump, you lost a billion dollars yesterday. Now you’re only worth… six billion dollars, you broke bitch!”
desi lydic
“Truly an historic failure. Nobody has seen a loss this big since the Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Plaza Hotel, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump University, and Trump, Eric.”
stephen colbert
“Now theres’a a bit of a disagreement over why the stock dropped so much. Analysts say it’s because of huge losses in limited market upside, while Trump advisers argue it’s because of woke, gay, trans, DEI, Hunter Biden’s laptop, so who’s to say?”
desi lydic
Clark Madness
Once more, Desi Lydic was the only host to take on the historic success and excitement of this year’s Women’s NCAA Basketball March Madness tournament. Noting that even former NBA star Shaquille O’Neal has said that he’s only paying attention to the women’s March Madness this year, Lydic marveled, “That’s like Chef Boyardee telling you he only eats SpaghettiOs now.”
[On Iowa star Caitlin Clark’s outstanding play this post-season] “Caitlin Clark hit so many big shots that the guy was clearly running out of things to say. ‘She’s ridiculous! She’s possessed! She’s a witch… drown her!’”
desi lydic
[On the controversy over one court being accidentally painted with different 3-point lines] “Okay, I really relate to this as a woman. It is so classic for someone else to f**k up and we’re like, ‘Oh, the line is messed up? It’s fine, we’ll just go ahead and play four games. You can fix it later. Or not. Whatever. I’m sorry!’”
desi lydic
“Think about how far women’s basketball has come. Ten years ago, if you went to a bar to watch women’s basketball, you were an alcoholic. But today, if you’re at a bar on a Monday night, it’s because you’re an alcoholic who also wants to watch women’s basketball.”
desi lydic
Potpourri
[In response to Donald Trump Jr. claiming the possibly soon-to-be seized Trump Tower is his ‘boyhood home’] “‘Boyhood home?’ Its not a shack on the banks of the Mississippi. It’s weird to call something your boyhood home when it has a restaurant in the lobby.”
seth meyers
“[On the lyrics to Lara Trump’s new single] “Lemme see if I’ve got this straight. The little girl is riding on a pegasus in a hurricane, and she also has her own wings that she will use to fly off the pegasus and then later jump. It is that sort of crystal clear metaphor that you get when your song is credited to four lyricists. One to write the song, the other three to look up when the bank opens so they can run and cash their checks.”
stephen colbert
“The Trump campaign sent a joke email yesterday to supporters with the subject line, ‘I’m suspending my campaign,’ while the body said, ‘Just kidding.’ ‘Just kidding?’ I think you meant ‘April Fools.’ Why can’t you do do anything normal? [Trump voice] ‘I’m suspending my campaign. Faked you out! On this, the opening day of the month after March.'”
seth meyers
[On the upcoming massive cicada season] “It is a nearly unprecedented event in entomological history. Or, as one trillion cicadas might say, ‘[Horrible extended buzzing noise].'”
stephen colbert
“According to a new report from the real estate site Zillow, the worst time to purchase a home is in the fall or winter. And he best time is in 1958.”
seth meyers
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