Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Hur?
In the congressional hearing into his widely-quoted report into possible criminal charges against President Biden for his handling of classified documents, recently resigned investigator Robert Hur faced tough questioning on the sweeping differences between his summary of the five-hour interview with the President and the full transcript, which was released today. While Hur’s report did not recommend any charges against Biden, his assessment of Biden as “a sympathetic, elderly, well-meaning man with a poor memory” proved contradictory to his on-the-record words, as when he at one point praised the 81-year-old leader for his “photographic understanding and recall” of events.
Late-night hosts were happy to point out that the official narrative from the Trump-appointed former U.S. Attorney, accepted all too readily by the media, had as many holes in it as the often scattered mental processes of Biden’s presidential opponent. As Stephen Colbert noted, “Yes, Biden has been dangerously forgetful. Unlike Trump, who always remembers that he’s running against Obama and unopposed at that since Nancy Pelosi dropped out.”
“That kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal job description of a special counsel. It’d be like your doctor saying, ‘Well, we ran some tests, Mr. Johnson and your cholesterol looks very good, but I am worried about how ugly you are.’
stephen colbert
“Biden’s age has been a central fact in the campaign, which is what happens when you’re 154 years old.”
Michael Kosta
[In response to GOP lawmakers repeatedly asking Hur hypothetical questions as to whether he’d have charged an alternate, younger Joe Biden with crimes] “Now, may I follow up on that one? What if Joe Biden was a strapping young buck. Age 35, with sun-bleached hair, washboard abs, that little V muscle down here. I mean, tight. With fire in his eyes and a soul full of sin. Would you be tempted to charge him with unforgivable crimes of sultry passion?”
stephen colbert
“It’s pretty amazing, Biden’s interview lasted five hours but Hur only asked one question.”
Jimmy Fallon
“At one point, Hur even complimented Biden’s memory, saying, ‘You appear to have a photographic understanding and recall.’ So the exact opposite of his report summary. At this point, I’ m worried about Hur’s cognitive ability. Did anyone ask him to identify a whale?”
stephen colbert
“That’s right, five hours of Biden talking. Or as his grandkids call it, a voicemail.”
Jimmy fallon
“Look. I’m no fan of Hur, but the guy had a tough job. ‘Mr. President, with all due respect, would it possible to answer the question without a trip to the basement to see the model trains?'”
stephen colbert
Another Royal Mess
After a poorly photoshopped picture of wife Kate Middleton and their children sparked rumors of a separation between the Prince and Princess of Wales, Prince William has been beset with speculation that the couple has split over his alleged affair with one Rose Hanbury, aka the Marchioness of Cholmondeley. Stephen Colbert, a cup of tea ferried to him by a waiting footman, leaped into the royal-watcher’s fray, mainly by seizing upon the supposed mistress’ name.
“What a beautiful name… that I am being told right right now I am pronouncing incorrectly. It is in fact pronounced ‘Chumley.’ Counterpoint, no it’s not. Learn English, England.”
stephen colbert
“You know how I know that’s fake? There’s three kids smiling at the same time.”
michael kosta
“Now, there have been rumors of an affair between William and the Marching Band of Chicanery since 2019.”
stephen colbert
“The Marcus Mumford of Chumbawamba is an old friend of the royals, and she’s married to an old friend of William’s, David Rocksavage. Really, Rocksavage? Sounds less like a British noble and more like a musician from The Flintstones.”
stephen colbert
Trumpin’ the Law
Each week brings more breaking news about Donald Trump’s mounting legal and PR troubles. This time, hosts addressed everything from the presumptive GOP nominee’s recently revealed admiration for Adolph Hitler, his suspicious family takeover of the Republican National Committee, his ongoing efforts to continue the Trump-incited insurrection, and yet another former Trump associate coming forward with damning revelations.
Referring to this week’s CNN interview in which longtime Mar-a-Lago employee Brian Butler alleged that he and others were ordered to hide classified materials from federal investigators, Stephen Colbert opined, “If Butler’s testimony is any indication, Trump is, to use a legal term, screwed up the wazoo.”
“Now the witness’ name is Brian Butler. That’s right—the Butler did it. Previously known in court documents only as ‘Trump Employee Number 5.’ Trump Employee Number 5 also, by the way, Chanel’s worst selling fragrance.”
stephen colbert
[On Butler’s testimony that there were at least 20 unsecured keys to the room where top secret documents were stored at Trump’s golf club] “But they were all attached to a big wooden spoon, so they were safe.”
jimmy kimmel
“[Butler stated that] he and others ‘moved boxes from Mar-a-Lago to the airport at the same time that federal investigators were visiting Trump to discuss returning the classified materials.’ That is insane. He’s doing the exact crime he’s being investigated for while he’s being investigated for the crime… ‘Identity theft? Officer, I would never. I swear on your mother’s maiden name, which was what again?'”
stephen colbert
“Every guy that’s been with Trump for years looks like the doorman at a strip club.”
jimmy kimmel
“In exchange for loyalty, Trump may have dangled the promise of legal representation as a reward. Though I gotta say, Trump picking your lawyer is about the worst reward I can imagine. ‘Okay, do you want the one who drinks so much that he pees Shiraz, the one who farts in court, or the one whose head is dripping with mystery ooze? Trick question, it’s all the same guy.'”
stephen colbert
“According to a new book, former President Trump has praised Adolph Hitler in private conversation with aides, and once said, ‘Hitler did some good things.’ Oh come on, I don’t believe he said that once.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s current campaigning for the Georgia primary] “Of course, the last time Trump asked for votes in Georgia he was indicted for it. Turns out you have to do it before the election.”
jimmy kimmel
[On one official’s introduction of former First Daughter-in-Law Lara Trump as RNC co-chair] “This is the most mean girl introduction I have ever heard. ‘A lot of people think you need to be qualified to get a job, but here’s Lara Trump!'”
Desi Lydic
“Former President Trump announced that one of his first acts as president would be to free the January 6 defendants. It’s not great when your big ideas match up with the Joker’s.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“According to a new survey, 95 percent of U.S. teens have access to a smart phone. Said the other five percent, ‘Mom..?’”
seth meyers
[On Spring Break] “Right now every bar in Florida has a thousand people dressed like John Cena at the Oscars.”
jimmy fallon
“The White House announced yesterday that Housing Secretary Marcia Fudge would be stepping down. Said Mike Pence, ‘There’s no need to curse.'”
seth meyers
“Angry TikTok users are reportedly calling congressional offices ahead of this week’s vote on a bipartisan bill that would ban the platform. [Puts up picture of the January 6 insurrection] Well, it’s more mature than what angry Facebook users did.”
seth meyers
“In a sense, Jesus was the original nepo baby. He started an entire religion based on, ‘Um, do you know who my father is?'”
desi lydic
“The Russian presidential election ends on Sunday, but Putin expects his opponent will drop out. Of a window.”
seth meyers
“According to a new report, Boeing failed more than one third of recent FAA audits on its production process for its 733 MAX jet. So unlike their planes, they are totally screwed.”
seth meyers
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