Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
We All Scream for Peace
Joe Biden was caught cold-handed in New York Monday answering questions from reporters about a pivotal potential cease fire in Gaza—while awkwardly holding an ice cream cone. The President was at a local ice cream shop helping Seth Meyers celebrate his show’s 10th anniversary at the time.
Downplaying the undeniably odd juxtaposition of a world leader delivering important news mid-lick, Stephen Colbert noted, “That’s a very statesmanlike response and a reason to kindle hope—if he hadn’t said it directly into a scoop of mint chip.”
“How about a minute to put down my cone, dude? This is like when Obama announced we got Bin Laden just as someone put out the pie.”
Seth Meyers
“When you’re holding a freshly scooped ice cream cone, everything feels like it’s gonna be okay. That’s why it’s the official food of telling your kid you’re getting a divorce.”
Michael Kosta
“You don’t want to answer serious questions during a goofy segment. That’s why Seinfeld stopped doing Comedians in Cars Discussing Afghanistan.”
Stephen Colbert
Primary Focus
Michigan became the latest state to crown Joe Biden and Donald Trump primary victors on Tuesday. Although both candidates are all but certain to be their party’s nominees at this point, our intrepid late-night hosts still found some interesting side stories.
“Due to their broad disapproval of how President Biden has supported Israel’s actions in Gaza, a coalition of Arab-American and Muslim leaders are urging Democrats to vote ‘uncommitted’ in the primary as a form of protest. It’s very important, this is a peaceful protest. They’re angry, but they’re not going to do something insane and destructive like vote for Dean Phillips.”
Stephen Colbert
“We tape this around six o’clock before the polls close, so we don’t know the results, [but] Nikki Haley: Win or lose… keep doing whatever you think that is.”
Stephen Colbert
Pricing Beef
The fast food chain Wendy’s announced Tuesday that it will be introducing so-called “surge pricing,” raising prices based on demand and the time of day.
As Seth Meyers quipped, “This means that a hamburger could cost a dollar more at lunchtime, and $40 more at 3 A.M. ‘We know you want it! Where else you gonna go?'”
“Wendy’s is going to charge more during the most popular times. And they call this dynamic pricing or something like that. Really this is just another tax on people who hate themselves and don’t know how to cook.”
Michael Kosta
“Wendy’s new slogan really seems like a winner–‘New higher prices, same questionable food.'”
Jimmy Fallon
[Not] the Real Thing
It was reported Tuesday that a threatening letter containing an unidentified white powder was sent to the Florida home of Donald Trump Jr. The former president’s son is said to have opened the letter in his home office, and emergency responders wearing hazmat suits responded.
“[Trump Jr] actually released a statement about the whole ordeal. Take a look: ‘Thank you to the authorities for confirming that the while power is not a threat. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to flush the powder down the toilet. I’ll be right back. Flush flush flush. Okay the powder is gone. I sniffed it down the toilet.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“They analyzed and found that the powder did not seem to be dangerous. Probably just something from his friends in the white powder movement.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Potpourri
“A jury ordered [Donald Trump] to pay $83.3 million for defaming E. Jean Carroll. And in order to stop her from collecting immediately, Trump has to post 110% in a cash bond of $91 million by March 9th. You know the old saying: March comes in like a lion, goes out like a bankrupt sexual predator.”
Stephen colbert
“Former President Trump is reportedly looking to build up his campaign fundraising operation. Yeah, I bet. Pretty soon, he’s going to start selling official Mar-a-Lago copper wiring.”
Seth Meyers
“Republicans gathered for CPAC. It’s like Woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to Woodstock.”
Michael Kosta
“Religious conservatives approve of only the kind of sex described in the Bible: One man, two of his daughters and a pillar of salt who likes to watch.”
Stephen colbert
