Tuesday’s late-night hosts were all about wishing our neighbors well, as Canada’s election—which saw the Trump-backed conservatives pummeled thanks to all of Trump’s 51st state bluster—marked a new chapter in the would-be emperor having no clothes. Here’s our Tuesday run-down.
Jordan Klepper
The Daily Show host stepped in on Tuesday just in time to seize upon the perfect metaphor for how things are going for America, what with a $60 million F-18 fighter jet just falling overboard into the Red Sea.
“You know who this is good for? The Little Mermaid. Think of how excited she was when she found a fork.”
“The good news is, the military says the plane can be salvaged. They just need to get it out and plop it into a really big bowl of rice.”
Speaking of bad signs for Donald Trump, Canada’s Liberal Party won a sweeping, come-from-behind victory on Tuesday. (With Trump’s far-right Prime Minister candidate Pierre Poilievre not only losing the PM election but also his own seat in parliament.)
“What have we done? We’ve turned Canada’s cutest grandmas into foul-mouthed expletive machines.”
after a clip of a Canadian woman apologizing before calling Trump an “assh*le.”
“Thanks to Trump, the Liberal Party just pulled off a historic comeback, winning all the Canadian demographics: hockey moms, hockey dads, hockey non-binaries, hockey seniors, hockey hockey players, and of course, hot Ryans.”
Stephen Colbert
Taking the long view of Donald Trump’s second 100 first days, the Late Show host noted the president’s historically terrible approval numbers.
“I think it’s appropriate to compare him to FDR, because Trump is well on his way to bringing back polio.”
on the “first 100 days” metric ushered in by FDR’s presidency
“According to a new poll, only 23 percent would give him and A, 45 percent would give him an F. The remaining 32 percent want to kick him right in the D.”
Colbert then took a trip up north to congratulate Canada for rejecting essentially every Trump-touted candidate. And for basically not being America at this point.
“One place Trump is incredibly unpopular is up in Canada, which yesterday gave him their lowest letter grade, zed. As opposed to their highest letter grade, eh-plus.”
“You take that, Trump! That’s what you get when you mess with a country whose national pastime is bar fight on ice.”
Of course, not all of the Trump-snubbing happened in other countries this week, as the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ traditional White House visit saw about half the team attending.
“That’s kind of embarrassing for the president. It’s right up there when Lyndon Johnson honored the Jackson 2.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Trump’s 100 days and Canada’s one big night dominated Jimmy Kimmel’s Tuesday monologue.
“It’s been an historic hundred days. Some would say prehistoric.”
“It is difficult to give Trump’s first 100 days a grade, but if I had to, I’d say it falls somewhere between F and U.”
“There have been some positives. Unfortunately, they’ve all been pregnancy tests for women who’ve slept with Elon Musk.”
“Don’t mess with Canada, man. They may be polite, but if you tick them off they’re like John Wick after they killed his dog.”
“Oh man, Trump is gonna hate him. Admitting and learning from his mistakes? What kind of Canadian satanism is that?”
on new canadian Prime minister Mark Carney’s victory speech
Taylor Tomlinson
The most recent Trump humiliation had the After Midnight host joining in the late-night chorus of “O Canada” as well.
“Canada had their federal election last night and, given how things are going down here, we’re paying attention to those now.”
“Their longtime Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stepped down this year in order to pursue his true passion of doing pilates in a kayak or something.”
“People voted for [Mark] Carney because he said he would never let Canada turn into the 51st state. [Crowd applauds.] I don’t know why we’re clapping—we’re American, that’s embarrassing.”
“He won on a platform that was basically just like, ‘Ugh, imagine being Florida.'”
Running through the rest of the news, Tomlinson noted how Trump’s policies have impacted one Chinese company’s prices, and one Hollywood celebrity’s eating habits.
“377 percent higher. For that amount of money, they could hire double the amount of children to make your rompers.”
on chinese internet fashion brand Shein raising its prices
“Gwyneth Paltrow has announced that she’s eating bread and cheese again. Yeah, things are bad. Even Gwyneth has given up.”
“This may seem like nothing to you, but bread and cheese is basically rich white lady heroin.”
“Goop used to be her lifestyle brand, now it’s the sound her stomach makes after a wheel of brie.”
Seth Meyers
“Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy announced this week that the Trump administration would take control of the renovation of Penn Station. It’s the perfect project for Trump since it’s the only thing we have that he can’t make any worse.”
“A dog food brand recently announced that they’re looking for a summer intern to smell dogs’ breath to evaluate the effectiveness of their new dental product. In case you’re looking for a career where AI will never replace you.”
“Chipotle has announced that it plans to open a restaurant in Mexico next year. Meanwhile, the Olive Garden in Italy was just burned to the ground.”
“Authorities at Chicago’s Midway Airport over the weekend arrested a passenger after she allegedly took off her clothes and pooped on her seat as the plane landed. Well, it’s still better than clapping.”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host dipped into Trump’s 100th day, then stopped off for some chips and a free ride.
“Let’s be honest, it’s been a bumpy ride. Who knew that renaming the Gulf of Mexico might actually be his high point?”
“Trump was so mad at Amazon, he just promised to make malls great again.”
on amazon’s now-reversed plan to show how much trump’s tariffs raised prices
“I agree it’s a little concerning. What color was your potato chip that you had to dye it to the color of a potato chip?”
on several major chip brands promising to remove artificial food dyes
“Uber is offering teenagers a free ride to prom and back. You know some 30 year old’s gonna get in with a suitcase and be like, ‘Yeah, I’m going to the airport prom.'”
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