Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
A Fiery Good-Biden
President Joe Biden closed out the opening night of the Democratic National Convention with a momentous 45-minute speech that officially passed the torch to Vice President Kamala Harris and officially showed that Joe Biden with literally no f**ks to give is a potent force to be reckoned with. The outgoing President, who stepped aside as the Democratic candidate after weeks of incessant badgering from many of the same people who assembled in Chicago to greet him with an over four-minute standing ovation managed the neat oratorial trick of being simultaneously inspiring, classy, and ice-cold when it came to destroying Donald Trump, the GOP nominee, former President, and mail-order steak grifter whose campaign is marked by vicious bigotry, violent sedition, and middle school-quality personal attacks.
In the sort of stirring speech only an elderly patriot with nothing to play for can deliver, Biden lambasted Trump for essentially everything. His demonization of immigrants and minorities, his do-nothing administration when it came to everything but not-building a ridiculous, racist Game of Thrones border wall, his ongoing kissy-face relationship with Vladimir Putin and other world dictators, his repeated insults to military veterans, and more. (It was only a 45-minute speech, even if DNC night one pushed Monday’s late-night shows into the morning’s wee hours.) For a country genuinely on the tipping point between white supremacist Christofascism and the ongoing practice of democracy, the moment was an equally fraught one for those on the “let’s stick with Democracy” team.
One one hand, the 81-year-old Biden had been polling poorly in a country that apparently finds it a puzzler whether to vote for a dignified, accomplished, and effective world leader or a convicted felon and adjudicated rapist impeached twice for trying to destroy American democracy. On the other, as Biden’s impassioned and affecting speech demonstrated, the old guy can still bring it when it counts. Seth Meyers, prone as he’s been to fall back on “Biden is old” jokes as any of his late-night colleagues, summed up his position by noting, “I’ve gotta say, it was a little like running into someone a month after you broke up with them and they look good, and they’re funny and fiery, and you’re like, ‘Ehhh, I’m still glad we broke up.'”
“Last night was all about President Joseph Retirement Biden.”
desi lydic
[Displaying an on-screen count of the number of times Joe Biden said “folks” during his speech (final count: 12)] “He’s got no folks left to give!”
jimmy kimmel live guest host rupaul
“In his speech last night, President Biden thanked First Lady Dr. Jill Biden and told the crowd that his heart still beats a little faster whenever he sees her coming down through the stairs. And when Joe’s on the stairs, everyone’s heart beats faster, too.”
seth meyers, slipping in one last (?) old joke
“But hey, just because something’s on late at night doesn’t mean it’s not important, right? I mean, people stay up if they really want to see something, right. Or at least watch it on YouTube the next day…”
seth meyers
[On the seemingly endless number of speakers before Biden] “Jesus Christ, is this still going on? No disrespect to Chris Coons, but f**k Chris Coons.”
desi lydic
“All night, Democrats were chanting, ‘We love you Joe!’ While Biden must have been thinking, ‘Apparently not as much as others.'”
jimmy fallon
[On the repeated chants of “Thank you Joe” and “We love Joe”] “That is so nice. Even Nancy Pelosi was chanting, ‘We love Joe!,’ when she’s the one who pushed him out of the race! It’s like the iceberg waving goodbye to the Titanic.”
desi lydic
[On Fox News figures feigning outrage that President Biden was “disrespected” by his late speech slot] “I’m sorry, I’m very confused here. Do you guys hate him or not? ‘Joe Biden is a corrupt leader of a crime family who stole the presidency, and how dare they keep him up past his bedtime, the nerve!'”
desi lydic
Highlights From Long Nights
With night one of the DNC going Oscar Night-long, there were many, many speeches from which latenighters could pull a few choice punchlines. Night two didn’t get that much shorter, with speakers ranging from potential First Gentleman Doug Emhoff and Michelle and Barack Obama taking the stage. Stephen Colbert, the only host stalling long enough to address the second night’s enthusiastically greeted speeches live, noted that although Night Two’s official theme was A Bold Vision for America’s Future, “the unofficial theme was, ‘Wheeeee!!!'”
“Before President Biden came out to speak, we got to hear a powerful speech from Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, the former Secretary of State and the reason why you have a trauma response every time you hear “(This Is My) Fight Song.”
desi lydic
[On Clinton pausing to acknowledge the crowd chanting “Lock him up!” at Donald Trump] “Well, well, well. Looks like the “lock them up”-ee has become the “lock them up”-er.”
desi lydic
“I thought Hillary’s whole speech was very moving. In fact, she killed it. Although it will be ruled a suicide.”
desi lydic
[On Republicans dusting off their Hillary Clinton attacks]”C’mon. Criticizing Hillary for being ‘joyless?’ Why don’t you go post a Harambe meme on Vine, you 2015 piece of sh*t.”
desi lydic
[On conservative activist, anti-LGBTQ+ bigot and alleged serial dude-groper Matt Schlaap then going on to attack Kamala Harris’ for being joyful] “C’mon guys, Hillary doesn’t smile enough, Kamala smiles too much. You know what, you don’t get an opinion on this, okay? You get to control one hole on women’s bodies and you picked one already.”
desi lydic
[Noting that the raucous state nomination roll call was led by a DJ spinning state-themed songs] “For the first time in history, somewhere out there a mom stood up and proudly said, ‘My son is a DJ!'”
stephen colbert
[Expressing sympathy for states that had to follow Georgia’s own Lil Jon kicking off his state’s nomination with a live “Turn Down for What”] “Idaho played a song by their most famous musical artist, a potato bouncing down a xylophone.”
stephen colbert
[On Texas being introduced with the Cowboy Carter song “Texas Hold ‘Em,” even though it’s first lyric reads, “This ain’t Texas”] “Which, if I’m not mistaken, by Democratic Party rules means all those delegates are now pledged to the great state of Beyoncé. Long may she wave.”
stephen colbert
“All night long, it was nothing but bangers. The Democrats’ roll call was a win for Kamala Harris, but more importantly, a win for Now That’s What I Call Nominating, Volume 3.”
stephen colbert
“All in all, it was a great time and a celebration of state pride and a celebration of song, featuring my favorite artist, anyone but Lee Greenwood.”
stephen colbert
[On the campaigning Kamala Harris appearing remotely from a sold-out arena in Milwaukee—to a sold-out arena in Chicago] “Truly an historic moment, marking the first time that a Milwaukee crowd has ever cheered Chicago.”
stephen colbert
[On hyped-up “technically not-Democrat” Bernie Sanders (I-VT) promising billionaires that the Harris administration is cgoing to make them pony up their fair share of taxes] “‘I’ve got some baaad news for them. I came to sip soup and tax billionaires, and I’m all out of soup!'”
Stephen colbert
[Following that, billionaire Illinois Governor and Hyatt Hotel heir J.B. Pritzker whipped up the crowd by attacking suspect self-proclaimed billionaire Donald Trump] “‘Woo! Bernie got us psyched up for attacking billionaires, but we like this guy! its an emotional and moral roller coaster!'”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“You know, a lot of people think of me as an entrepreneur, the Queen of Drag, musician, TV mogul. But I am much more than that—I’m also a great pair of tits.”
rupaul
“While getting a cheese steak yesterday at Pat’s King of Steaks in Philadelphia, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance asked an employee why they don’t serve the sandwich with Swiss cheese. And NBC can now project the state of Pennsylvania for Kamala Harris.”
seth meyers
“I love this city. I am seeing so many Chicago places from movies and TV. I ate at the restaurant from The Bear, I went to the museum from Ferris Bueller. And tonight after the show I’m gonna go rob the house from Home Alone!”
The daily show’s desi lydic, live from chicago
“Britain’s Prince William has apparently not spoken to Prince Harry for almost two years. Of course, for two men, that’s a completely normal amount of time.”
seth meyers
“Zoom just announced that you can have one million people on a meeting at once. As opposed to a normal Zoom meeting which just sounds like a million people speaking at once.”
jimmy fallon
“New York Mayor Eric Adams this week unveiled the city’s first official trash bins, and they are Queens and Staten Island. C’mon, I’m just kidding, Queens.”
seth meyers
[Chugging a Chicago favorite Old Style tallboy to suggest an appropriate 10th anniversary present from Doug Emhoff to Kamala Harris on Thursday] “You can really taste the old.”
Stephen Colbert
[On reports that Iran attempted to hack the campaigns of Trump, Kamala Harris, and Joe Biden] “Damn! RFK even be left out of that!”
seth meyers
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