Donald Trump’s tariffs once again dominated the news (and monologue jokes) Tuesday, especially his new retaliatory Chinese tariffs, which now stand at a full 104 percent, and which were set to go into effect at midnight. As Jimmy Fallon put it while checking his watch, “So you have 20 minutes to buy everything you’ll need for the rest of your life.” Here’s our Tuesday night monologues roundup.
Desi Lydic
“It’s been one week since Donald Trump announced his bold plan to destroy the economy, and guess what? It’s working.”
“I’m not an economist, but it’s probably a bad sign when the chart itself looks like it jumped off the roof.”
“Look at that drop. Six Flags is gonna make a roller coaster of that. ‘Mom, I wanna ride the Dow Jones.’ ‘We can’t afford it!'”
“104 percent tariffs? Okay, this is getting really serious. We’ll know exactly how serious once we ask China to do the math for us.”
“Trump is out of control right now. I’d say he’s like a bull in a china shop, but at 104 percent I can’t afford to say that.”
“Oooh, I have to pick between Elon Musk and Peter Navarro? This is like the trolley problem if the problem was that you only have one trolley. “
on the brewing feud between two of trump’s top advisers
“Powerful counterpoint. Powerful. God, I hope Elon Musk never has to defend himself in court: ‘Ladies and gentlement of the jury, Gaaayyyyy!'”
on musk responding to navarro’s criticism of his tesla practices by calling him “peter retarrdo”
Stephen Colbert
With his show going to air just minutes before Trump’s tariffs were set to go into effect, Colbert gave his audience a little reminder, explaining, “It is April 8, and I hope you have finished your Christmas shopping.”
“What? I need my Nintendo. What am I supposed to do without a new Mario game? Take a bunch of mushrooms and jump on turtles in real life? That’s what got me banned from the petting zoo.”
on the switch 2 being delayed due to trump’s tariffs
“You can’t say it’s temporary and it’s permanent. That’s like being asked to call heads or tails and saying, ‘I call coin.'”
on trump’s contradictory claims about his tariffs
“Coincidentally, that’s also what it’s called when Don Jr gives Eric a piggyback ride.”
on china calling trump’s 104 percent tariff “a mistake on top of a mistake”
“Aw yeah! That must have been very exciting news for Donald Trump, because it was the first time he had ever heard of Zimbabwe. ‘Folks, great news! We just got a huge concession from that little truck that cleans the ice at hockey games.”
on the one country caving to trump’s tariffs thus far
“So your theory is we’ll get our factories back but they’ll only have jobs for robots. So you’ll be broke, but at least your Roomba will be able to afford to send its kids to college.”
on commerce secretary Howard Lutnick’s post-tariffs prediction
“Hello DOGE? Yeah, I’d like to report some government inefficiency.”
on reports that trump’s planned military birthday parade will cost taxpayers $92 million
Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s nothing but opportunity as far as the eye can see. It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now.”
after a clip of trump stating that he views bad economic times as an opportunity
“Somehow in his brain, Russia’s in a war, but Ukraine isn’t in the same war.”
on trump’s tariffs sparing russia, but not ukraine
“China said the tariffs are ‘a mistake on top of a mistake,’ which is also what Trump said when Eric was born.”
“That is true. You know what else no one can ignore? A homeless person swinging a full diaper over his head.”
on fox’s brian kilmeade positing that trump’s tariffs are ‘impossible to ignore”
“I will say, after all that he’s put us through, it’ll be nice to know that on Friday somebody’ll be squeezing his balls for a change.”
on trump’s Annual physical, Planned for friday
Seth Meyers
For Tuesday’s Late Night monologue, Seth Meyers peeped beyond our current economic woes. Unfortunately, things don’t appear to be any better over there.
“Elon Musk and the Department of Government Efficiency are reportedly working with Boeing to resolve their delays in delivering the new model of Air Force One. Because nothing inspires confidence like hearing, ‘Boeing built this in a hurry.'”
“President Trump on Friday headlined a million-dollars-a-plate fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago. Unfortunately, due to the price of groceries, they only broke even.”
“According to new analysis by the Washington Post, President Trump has spent one third of his days in office at gold courses, and I think we might be better off if we can somehow get that up to three thirds.”
“After meeting last week with conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer, President Trump reportedly fired three National Security Council officials… because they can’t be very good at security if this lunatic got that close to the president.”
“Bruce Springsteen announced last week he would release a collection of 83 songs, including 74 of which have never been officially released before. 74 new songs! Did he do one for every factory that closed in New Jersey?”
“By the way, when this collection comes out, give your dad a little space. This is the closest he ever gets to menopause.”
“A Brooklyn technology startup has released a minimalist cell phone that only allows for basic functions like calling, texting, and navigation. I don’t know, is calling really a basic function? I use the compass more than I use calling.”
Jimmy Fallon
Tariffs were on the Tonight Show host’s mind as well. That, and President Trump’s announcement that he plans to celebrate his 79th birthday with four-mile military parade.
“Trump wants a full military parade for his birthday. So there will be tanks, fighter jets, and our most dangerous weapon, a self-driving Tesla.”
“It’s nice to know the money we saved cutting the CDC, Social Security, and the Department of Education went towards throwing a child’s birthday party.”
“This was actually supposed to be a surprise party for Trump but someone at the White House added a reporter to the group chat by accident.”
“The parade will be four miles long. The organizers asked Trump if he wanted to walk in it, then everyone laughed and laughed.”
“Trump isn’t messing around with China. Now he’s threatening to not invite them to his birthday party.”
“As a result of the tariffs, Americans are rushing to buy iPhones before prices increase. Yup, iPhones and toilet paper, our two most essential bathroom items.”
“Today the price of a Mega Millions lottery ticket went from $2 to $5. Americans were like, ‘Damn, even losing money got more expensive.'”
on HHS Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr’s plan to eliminate fluoride from the nation’s drinking water
Taylor Tomlinson
Summing up her no-tariffs, no-Trump Tuesday monologue, the After Midnight host stated, “Turns out if you go on news websites and click ‘next page’ a few times, the news actually gets pretty silly.” For example, you might find a video about the Wyoming Fish and Game Department’s new robotic bear attack simulator, which looks an awful lot like a bear statue hot-glued onto a go-kart.
“Now I’m not park ranger, but I’m not sure this is how bear attacks go. Most full grown grizzlies can’t be slowed down by a slight incline.”
“You should see this company’s tornado simulation. They just throw a can at you and yell, ‘Think fast!'”
“That’s like telling me you just got a cool new truck and then rolling up in this: [picture of a Cybertruck].”
“They say on the website the point of their training is for individuals to practice accessing their bear spray as quickly as possible. And I think I speak for every woman in here when I say, ‘Oh, we’re ready.'”
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