Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means
Going into the week’s Republican National Convention, kicking off as it did directly after yet another disturbed young white guy with an AR-15 attempted to assassinate Donald Trump, GOP speakers and attendees told viewers and critics that what the country needed at this time of unprecedented divisiveness was unity. And then they spoke.
As late-night hosts continued to pluck out representative quotes from those same scolding representatives, senators, and the occasional former Kayne West girlfriend, “unity” seems to have a very different definition in the Republican lexicon. Democrats were called names, President Joe Biden was called names, incendiary lies were hurled around Milwaukee’s Fiserv Forum with fevered abandon, and generally the GOP rhetoric trampled the entire unity concept into the carpet. Calling out Wisconsin Republican Senator Ron Johnson for calling Democrats “a clear and present danger to America” directly after demanding a lowering of the rhetorical heat, Jon Stewart noted, “Im sorry, I guess he’s what is known as unity in the streets, divisive in the sheets.”
[After Johnson’s spokespeople blamed the teleprompter for displaying the wrong speech for Johnson to read out in its entirety] “What a douchebag! I didn’t mean to say that. It was in my teleprompter, I apologize.”
Jon Stewart
[After former GOP candidate Vivek Ramaswamy’s rambling accusation that Democrats only value things like race, gender, and … the climate] “So true. For instance, I identify as a white male heterosexual low pressure system.”
stephen colbert
[On South Carolina Senator and passed-over VP candidate Tim Scott pandering to the overwhelmingly white RNC crowd] “‘Attention, large crowd of white people. America is not a racist country.’ ‘Thanks Uncle Tim, or Tom. Whichever you go by.'”
Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Anthony Anderson
[After Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton claimed to have confronted a group of migrants under a Texas bridge, asking them what they want] “They looked right at me and said, ‘Ahh, giraffe man! We’ll give you all our tender twigs if you leave us alone!'”
stephen colbert
[On Rep. Majorie Taylor Greene’s predictably divisive speech] “On particularly fiery member of Congress struggled mightily, as her body rejected the unity theme as though it were transplanted like a monkey heart.”
jon stewart
[On Greene’s speaking style] “She knows she’s making that noise right? Or is that the noise she makes when the interior monologue is going, ‘Marjorie, there’s gonna be plenty of time to talk about satanic Democrats, just keep it in, Marjorie…'”
jon stewart
Republican National Clown-Car
But it wasn’t all hate speech and baseless accusations at the RNC. Hosts had plenty of plain old weirdo behavior to work with among the roster of GOP speakers, toting with them as they did their own down-home speeches filled with strange anecdotes, technology-blamed stage freezes, off-topic idiosyncrasies, and the odd puppy dog presumably watching out for a certain South Dakota governor in the wings. As Stephen Colbert joked after a clip of West Virginia Governor Jim Justice bringing his supposedly Republican bulldog Babydog on stage with him, “You fools! You cant have a dog as at the same conventions as Kristi Noem!”
[On defeated Presidential hopeful and formerly vocal Trump critic Nikki Haley claiming, “Donald Trump has my strong endorsement, period.”] “Seriously, question mark? Because we remember when you called him ‘unhinged,’ exclamation point.”
stephen colbert
[On surprise celebrity Trump endorser Amber Rose claiming that the GOP believes “Love is love”] “You’d just better hope all that love doesn’t lead to an ectopic pregnancy.”
jon stewart
“During the pandemic [Babydog] was the face of the vaccination initiative championed by the governor. Really says something about this election when a dog believes in science more than the candidates.”
stephen colbert
“The Republican National Convention, also known as the White People’s Choice Awards.”
anthony anderson
“President Biden spoke today in Las Vegas at the annual convention of the NAACP, while every Republican was busy speaking at the convention for the NAAWP.”
stephen colbert
“There were over 40 speakers and roughly over 400 whiffed high-fives.”
jimmy fallon
[On Florida Senator Rick Scott relating a dream he had] “Uggghhh, let me tell you about a dream I had. It was a nightmare that Donald Trump was being endorsed by a half-man, half-serpent with dead eyes.”
stephen colbert
“North Carolina Republican Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson spoke yesterday at the Republican National Convention and said that former President Trump is the Braveheart of our time. But personally, I think any similarity begins and ends with face paint.”
seth meyers
[On Minnesota Congressman Tom Emmer loudly proclaiming that Trump is all about law and order] “‘He stands with the police, not with the rioters! Except on January 6, but that was Opposite Day!‘”
stephen colbert
[On a red-faced Emmer shouting about banning vaccine mandates for troops] “‘And then we gave them all hearing aids, because for some reason all of them went deaf! And after that, we went home to a van, down by the river!”
stephen colbert
[On the RNC crowd’s silent response to Teamster President Sean O’Brien touting the necessity of unions and worker protections from greedy corporations] “Yes, apparently Republicans are pro-worker now and pro-union. I hope somebody tells all the Republican governors who passed ‘right to work’ anti-union laws in their states, and all the Republican-appointed judges who made it easier to break the union, and Donald Trump himself, who helped kill a bill that would have protected unions. You’re gonna be so embarrassed.”
jon stewart
[After House Speaker Mike Johnson fled the stage after his teleprompter malfunctioned] “Oh poor Mike walked offstage with his Johnson tucked between his legs.”
anthony anderson
“Is it bad when the Speaker of the House can’t speak?”
anthony anderson
[On Johnson differentiating between all men being “created equal” vs. “born equal”] “I’m talking the moment of creation. Ham-slam city, two hot, horny Americans going to town, making the monkey butter. Just me thinking about it, my son’s getting an alert on his phone.”
stephen colbert
[After New Jersey Congressman and former Democrat Jeff Van Drew explained that he switched parties after Donald Trump told him to] “‘Then he said you should put on this collar like a little doggie, so I started barking like a good boy and I got a treat.'”
stephen colbert
[On “God Bless the USA” singer and Trump bible co-salesman Lee Greenwood fawning over Trump so long that he never got to sing] “Is it possible to bring out another band to play a band off?”
jon stewart
[On Donald Trump appearing at the convention sporting a large, unwieldy ear bandage] “Trump entered the arena like Rocky Balboa, if Rocky fought for Russia.”
stephen colbert
“He entered the convention like a heavyweight champ, with the swagger of Mike Tyson and the ear of Evander Holyfield.”
anthony anderson
“You know, that’s the whitest square I’ve seen next to Trump since Mike Pence.”
anthony anderson
[After former Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani was filmed suddenly keeling over] “Down goes Rudy! Down goes Rudy! Mr. Mayor, is there a doctor in the house? Or a sommelier?”
stephen colbert
[On Giuliani’s rejected bankruptcy claim forcing him to pay millions to election workers he defamed] “It’s gonna be tough, because most of Rudy’s assets are liquid. Merlot, cabernet, Listerine on a bad day.”
stephen colbert
Vance Like No One’s Voting
After Donald Trump announced his VP pick of Ohio Senator J.D. Vance yesterday, it became immediate sport for anyone with a functioning memory or an internet connection to haul up all of the deeply insulting (and completely true) things Vance has said about Trump. Some of the most damning, seemingly disqualifying quotes include referring to his now-boss as “a moral disaster,” “reprehensible,” “a total fraud,” and “America’s Hitler.” Apparently viewing that last jab as a compliment while marveling at Vance’s slavish MAGA shift in his quest for political relevance, noted insurrectionist, bigot, and would-be dictator Trump decided that Vance was his guy to bring all those undecided women voters, LGBTQ+ voters, non-white voters, and democracy fans into the fold, so who are late-night hosts to argue?
“When asked in a new interview how he would handle disagreements with former President Trump, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance said they would be dealt with in private. [Shows photo of Mike Pence] Said one man, ‘Good luck with that.'”
seth meyers
“Right now we’re in the fun phase, when we’re Googling all kinds of crazy sh*t about him.”
anthony anderson
“Damn, if he can say all that and still get picked for Vice President, I gotta figure I’ve got a chance at Secretary of State at least.”
seth meyers
“It’s like for Vice President, Donald selected the actor who would be hired to play Don Jr in the Lifetime movie.”
jon stewart
“Look at this guy. He looks like the politician in a sci-fi movie who ’s secretly working with the aliens.”
seth meyers
“It’s like Don Jr was the beta version that had to have the kins worked out. He’s the default avatar in the video game and then Donald Trump Sr adjusted adjusted the pretty eyes and charisma sliders up a little bit.”
jon stewart
“He looks like a Funko Pop doll of himself.”
seth meyers
[On the unearthed tweet where Vance blames Daylight Savings Time for America’s declining fertility] “Okay, what the f**k could that possibly mean? Does it mean that changing your clocks lowers sperm count, or that J.D. only f**ks in the dark?”
anthony anderson
“He looks like Teen Wolf graduated and came back to coach the team. I got a bunch of these, but it’s a long campaign so I’m gonna save some.”
seth meyers
See How Easy That Was, GOP?
New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez was found guilty on all counts in his bribery and influence peddling trial, prompting hosts to make sport of a blatantly corrupt politician from their own party facing justice for his many crimes instead of, for example, claiming that Menendez’s prosecution was a witch hunt, a conspiracy, or evidence that the Justice Department was being weaponized to terrorize an elected official in a frenzy of partisan fury. Nope, Menendez is guilty as hell, and Democratic lawmakers high and low are calling on him to resign in well-earned disgrace. As Jimmy Fallon piled on, “Menendez accepted bribes of cash, cars, and gold bars. People knew something was up when his office looked like Scrooge McDuck’s vault.”
“New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez was found guilty today In all 16 counts of his corruption case including bribery, extortion and wire fraud. Or as they call those in New Jersey, waste management.”
seth meyers
“Well this is nice, instead of handcuffs the New Jersey Senator was given pinkie rings with a little chain .”
jimmy fallon
“You can’t accept bribes as a Senator, you can only accept bribes as a Supreme Court Justice.”
jimmy fallon
“And if you’re wondering about the current state of the Democratic Party, this is ranked one-thousandth on their list of problems.”
jimmy fallon
Lester Holt, Meet Dark Brandon
Despite several late-night hosts (cough, Stewart ond Colbert, cough) seemingly jumping on the drop-out train after President Biden’s roundly criticized debate performance last month, Biden has been tearing it up on the campaign trail in the weeks following. His rousing speeches have quieted some of the most vocal proponents of a desperate last-minute ticket swap, while yesterday’s interview with NBC’s Lester Holt saw the President adopting an on-target pugnaciousness regarding the media falling for the GOP’s false equivalency between Trump’s incessant incendiary remarks and Trump critics simply descibing how utterly dangerous Trump and his Project 2025 cronies are to the future of American democracy. Biden handed the frequently glowering Holt his ass, in short, something that late-night hosts could only (in some cases begrudgingly) admire, even if Jimmy Fallon marveled, “Biden’s campaign was like, ‘Where the hell was this guy three weeks ago?'”
“He’s telling you what the other guy’s been saying! How are you supposed to discuss the temperature of the rhetoric if you’re not gonna mention the rhetoric? It became clear that Biden was ready to turn it down_for everybody but Lester Holt.”
jon stewart
“In a new interview ith Lester Holt, Biden admitted that he hasn’t watched his whole debate with Trump. Oh, so that’s why he thinks he should stay in the race.”
jimmy fallon
[Upon Biden leaving Holt stewing by asking why the media has ignored Trump’s innumerable debate lies in favor of equally innumerable stories about Biden’s age] “Oh sh*t. ‘Lemme ask you something Lester, let me ask you this. Who’s got two thumbs Lester and is about to beat your ass?'”
jon stewart
Potpourri
“A Florida man was arrested recently after he fell asleep behind the wheel with his car running at a Taco Bell drive-thru. He’s being charges with one count of mistiming an edible.”
seth meyers
“Today is Amazon Prime Day. And in 3-5 business days, it’ll be ‘Who Stole All My Sh*t From My Porch?’ Day.”
Anthony Anderson
“A fossil of a 161 million-year-old stegosaurus is set to go up for auction this week and is expected to sell for up to 6 million dollars. ‘I’ll take it!,’ said a wealthy four-year-old.”
seth meyers
[On New York’s record heatwave] “It’s so hot in New York, when I saw the pantsless guy on the subway, I was looking in a mirror.”
stephen colbert
“Authorities in Pennsylvania recently arrested a professional clown for allegedly promoting prostitution. The man is reportedly devastated that his family will find out that he was a professional clown.”
seth meyers
[On another batsh*t aspect of the GOP’s Project 2025] “The plan is to privatize the National Weather Service and fully commercialize it’s forecasting operations. So get ready for tornado warnings brought to you by Draft Kings. ‘Draft Kings: Now there’s two ways to lose your house!'”
stephen colbert
“The makers of Doritos have unveiled a coffee-flavored chip in Australia. That’s what Australia needed, one more thing that can kill you.”
seth meyers
“Chicago suffered widespread damage from multiple tornadoes—in Chicago. I’m gonna say it, the Twisters promotional tour has gone too far.”
stephen colbert
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