Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Trials Proceeding
Donald Trump had a bad day on Thursday in his many, many court proceedings, with three separate judges (including one infamously Trump-friendly Trump appointee) ruling against his legal team’s various delay tactics and dismissal attempts. In Florida, Trump-appointed Judge Aileen Cannon at least temporarily dismissed Trump’s claim that he had a right to take and keep classified documents in, among other places, the unsecured bathroom of his Florida golf resort. In the Georgia case surrounding Trump’s attempt to overturn that state’s election loss by pressuring Georgia officials to “find him” enough votes to win, the judge ruled that Trump’s free speech defense doesn’t cover it when committing a crime. And Trump’s New York hush money election fraud trial will proceed as planned without waiting for the Supreme Court’s ruling that Trump has “absolute immunity” from everything, ever, notching Trump’s trial date there for April 15.
That’s a lot of court, with late-night hosts picking and choosing which of Donald Trump’s current legal battles to highlight in their monologues. Unable to contain his delight, New York-based Stephen Colbert pronounced, “Forget the old saying, ‘April showers bring May flowers,’ because from now on it’s, ‘April trials bring me smiles.'”
“In New York, the judge rejected [Trump’s] attempt to delay the Stormy Daniels case. Trump tried to argue presidential immunity. The judge ruled, ‘Hush money paid to an adult film star is not related to a president’s official acts.’ Which, I’m pretty sure, and I’m not a presidential historian, but I’m pretty sure is the first time a judge has ever had to say that.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the New York ruling] “The best part is, it’s a criminal trial, so Trump has to be there every day. Starting April 15, we get to see Donald Trump having to see Stormy Daniels testify about having to see Donald Trump naked. ‘Your honor, for reasons that will soon become all too apparent following her testimony, I’d like to submit into evidence this baby bella mushroom.”
stephen colbert
“That trial will start on April 15. April 15 is gonna be a big day for Donald Trump. It’s the first time in history a former president will be held accountable for cheating on his taxes and his wife on the same day.”
jimmy kimmel
“We also learned in the Florida case that Trump kept classified documents in a variety of locations. Not only did he have them at Mar-a-Lago, he had them at his house in New Jersey, he had them at Trump Tower in New York, he had them on his plane, he had them in Eric’s bouncy house, in the envelopes for the birthdays cards he never sent to Don Jr., under his My Pillow…”
jimmy kimmel
Electoral Spoilage
Since the upcoming presidential election between a guy found guilty of sexual assault, who fomented an insurrection, and who is facing dozens of criminal charges and a guy who is none of those things remains dispiritingly close, Donald Trump and the GOP are pulling out every stop to try to gain an electoral advantage. Enter Nebraska, where Republicans there are attempting to change the state’s allocation of electoral votes in favor of Trump. (Last election, Joe Biden won one of the state’s three electoral votes even thought Trump won the state overall, while a bill in the Nebraska legislature wants to change to a winner-take-all format.) While the GOP-led bill failed on Wednesday, late-night hosts were still edgy about how depressingly thin a victory margin could be this time around, or the potential chaos should a deeply split Congress have to confront an electoral tie.
“If Nebraska makes this change, the election could end up in a tie. And you might be wondering what happens in that case? Well, its simple really. Have you ever seen the Purge movies?”
desi lydic
“Always a bad sign when your campaign strategy is to bully individual states. ‘Hey, more like Old Hampshire, you dusty bitch.'”
stephen Colbert
Uncivil Debate
A new PBS poll confirmed the head-buttingly obvious—American political discourse is getting uglier. Perhaps predictably, those who claim that violence is the way to win an argument are, in descending order of approval: Republicans (28%), Independents (18%), and Democrats (12%). Regardless of affiliation, Stephen Colbert has noticed all the knuckle-cracking out there.
“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but, thanks to Trump, our politics are getting just a tad heated. In fact, [a poll] found that one in five Americans think violence may solve U.S. divisions. When reached for comment, one in five Americans said, ‘You wanna go brah?'”
stephen colbert
“Personally, I, Stephen Colbert, stand with the majority, the four out of five Americans who choose non-violence. And I proudly say, ‘Four-on-one? We can take these guys. Go get daddy’s bat!'”
stephen colbert
“Really, who are those 18 percent of Independents? ‘I don’t really feel strongly committed to any ideology, but I am willing to kill for… whatevs.'”
stephen colbert
Truth Hurts Social
Another day, another billion-dollar loss incurred by Donald Trump’s Trump Media and Technology Group, the entity responsible for the former President’s failing social media platform, Truth Social. Of course, as with so much of Trump’s tottering financial house of marked cards, both the inflated value of Truth Social stock and resulting losses since the stock went public only exist on flimsy paper. Not that Trump himself is averse to boasting about his continued place among the world’s billionaires, or suing his Truth Social business partners for their half of the (again, imaginary) cash generated by Truth Social’s Wall Street activity.
“So the company lost $58 million and more than half of its users and yet when it went public, it was first valued at more than $7 billion. I’m sure you’re asking how is that possible. Well, there’s an actually perfectly reasonable explanation but it involves a lot of complex financial jargon and some very technical, obscure macroeconomic principles that will take me a long time to explain. So just do your best to follow along. You ready? The stock market is bulls**t.”
seth meyers
“The only way Trump would admit that the money wasn’t real, was if Rudy asked Trump to pay his outstanding legal bills.”
seth meyers
“He basically lost the entirety of Taylor Swift’s net worth. And by the way, she got that money. Thats not theoretical—she could buy private jets with her debit card.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“The New York City Marathon: The best excuse for soiling yourself in public.”
Desi Lydic
[On the theft of a solid gold toilet art piece, intended to show that, “Whatever you eat, a $200 lunch or a $2 hot dog, the results are the same, toilet-wise.”] “To which everyone whose eaten a $2 hot dog replied, ‘No my friend—no they are not.'”
stephen colbert
[On the news that Donald Trump lied about speaking to the grieving family of a young murdered woman] “There’s only three possible explanations for this. A—Donald Trump is a bottomless scumbag who would lie about anything to make himself look like a hero. B—His brain has turned to oatmeal so lumpy he can’t distinguish a story he flipped by in the Post from a conversation he had with a grieving loved one. Or, C—Both of the above.'”
jimmy kimmel
[On the upcoming total solar eclipse] “We’re all looking forward to having one brief moment when you can look up into the sky and see something other than the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting toward the ground.”
desi lydic
“At Trump fundraiser this week in Palm Beach, organizers are offering attendees the opportunity to sit at former President Trump’s table during dinner if they donate more than 824 thousand dollars. And while it’s a lot of money, it’s still Eric’s only chance.”
seth meyers
“A town in California was on edge when someone reported a mountain lion sighting on their Ring camera. But it turned out to be a ‘hefty house cat.’ That poor cat was like, ‘This… is… mortifying.'”
jimmy fallon
“A Florida man was recently charged with reckless driving after he allegedly put his car in cruise control and stood up through the vehicle’s sun roof. Aw, c’mon, it’s Florida. I’m surprised they don’t have a lane for that.”
seth meyers
“The presidential race: It’s the reason your therapist drives a Porsche.”
desi Lydic
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