Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Rough Seize Ahead
With Monday the deadline for cash-strapped former president and GOP frontrunner Donald Trump to come up with the $464 million bond related to his conviction in the New York civil fraud case, the two hosts holding down the late-night fort this week took a few more shots on Thursday. With some 30 companies refusing to secure the necessary financing for a guy who’s declared bankruptcy at least six times, who owes multiple municipalities and police departments outstanding fees for campaign rallies there, and who is facing further potential fines for financial misdeeds in the coming months, it’s looking very likely that some of Trump’s lavishly decorated properties will be liquidated next week.
Leave it to frequent Trump critic and wise guy Jimmy Kimmel to come up with another timely nickname for the Republican candidate: “The I Can’t Pay My Bill-ionaire.”
“Bond companies thus far have been reluctant to loan him that much money for the same reason you wouldn’t loan a watermelon to a hippopotamus.”
Jimmy kimmel
“Waking up this morning, everything was almost as frozen as Donald Trump’s assets.”
jimmy fallon
“They could seize his golf course at Bedminster, they could take his buildings… They could even seize his plane. I can think of nothing more delightful, honestly. Could you imagine the sight of Donald Trump standing in line for a Southwest flight? In boarding group C?”
jimmy kimmel
“The New York Attorney General is also preparing to seize Trump’s Westchester golf course. Yeah. Today the Attorney General showed up at golf course and yelled, “Fore-closure!”
jimmy fallon
“Trump yesterday launched a joint fundraising venture with the Republican National Committee—now overseen by his son’s wife. Linking the RNC with him will give Trump the rare opportunity to bankrupt an organization that doesn’t have his name on it for once.”
jimmy kimmel
“Some experts think Trump will ultimately get the bond, but these companies are leaving him hanging so they can squeeze him for the maximum amount. Basically they have him over a barrel and they’re behind him like Stormy Daniels with a rolled-up magazine.”
jimmy kimmel
Bracket Chop-Busting
With the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament underway, both Jimmys were on the lookout for this year’s Cinderella story. Or at least a few obscure underdogs to slam dunk on. Jimmy Fallon had some poster suggestions for long shot Yale, while Kimmel continued his running gag that there is actually no such school as (perennial March Madness power) “Gonzaga.”
“[Fallon’s Yale slogan suggestions] “”Yale actually made it this year. They’re a 13-seed and they’ve got to play number four Auburn. That’s a pretty lopsided matchup, and you can tell how Yale fans are feeling just based on the signs that you brought to the show tonight: ‘Don’t you know who our fathers are?,’ ‘Perhaps we should settle this on the squash court!, ‘ and ‘This is such a bad loss, I’m writing it off on my taxes.'”
jimmy fallon
“Gonzaga is—it’s the college basketball version of the Easter Bunny. It shows up once a year, makes a bunch of baskets, and then disappears.”
jimmy kimmel
Seat on the Trumptanic
Jimmy Kimmel had some choice words for any Republicans out there considering joining Donald Trump’s campaign as Vice President, what with Trump’s mounting legal and financial troubles, his open embrace of white supremacy and fringe right-wing positions, and the tiny fact that his last Vice President almost wound up hanging from a noose on January 6. Playing a montage of Marco Rubio insulting Donald Trump (and vice-versa) over the years before revealing that, of course, the Florida senator has just announced his eagerness to be Trump’s running mate, Kimmel was unsparing.
“Oh, poor little Marco,” lamented Kimmel over the symptomatic GOP lack of scruples when it comes to clutching for power, “He thinks he’s different. He thinks he’s the one that’s gonna ride this bull. No, no you will wind up in the mud with all the other rodeo clowns.”
“Trump is now looking for a running mate to join him. They say he’s now considering 15 candidates, with the idea that these people will audition at his rallies and campaign events. Really. He’s turning this into The MAGA-pprentice.”
jimmy kimmel
“The finalists for VP include Elise Stefanik, Tim Scott, Tulsi Gabbard, and Dr. Ben Carson, even though Dr. Ben Carson died six years ago. Ben Carson is literally a sleeper candidate.”
jimmy kimmel
[To Rubio] “Destroying people like you—it’s the only thing Donald Trump is good at. If Donald trump asks you to run, run!“
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“In Washington today, the Biden administration sued Apple for allegedly having an illegal monopoly on smartphones. Apple knew something was bad when they received a text from the government that said, ‘Can we talk?'”
jimmy fallon
“Yeah, the Biden administration is going after Apple and TikTok. If they go after Playstation and vaping, Gen Z is gonna storm the White House.”
jimmy fallon
[On recent claims that Kate Middleton is ‘working from home’] “How does a princess work from home? ‘I’m just gonna stay in and wave at people.'”
jimmy kimmel
“Airline CEOs are upset over the recent string of Boeing incidents and have requested to meet with the company’s board of directors. You can tell things are bad because CEOs said, ‘Let’s do the meeting on Zoom so nobody has to fly.'”
jimmy fallon
“But the Boeing CEO said, ‘Don’t worry, whatever issues come up, we’ll always have an open door policy.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Republican Alabama Governor Kay Ivey signing a law eliminating inclusion and diversity programs in public schools and banning gender-neutral bathrooms] “Her motto is: If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.”
jimmy kimmel
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