Thursday’s late-night monologues were a mix of “told you so” to wavering Trump supporters, “that’s not it” to Democratic lawmakers trying to trash talk, and, “oh, what the hell?” about pretty much everything else going on in the world. Here’s our nightly rundown.
Desi Lydic
Underselling the chaos wrought by Donald Trump and his henchmen during the first [checks notes, drinks] 38 days of Trump’s second term, Desi Lydic noted, “Since taking office, Donald Trump and the Republicans have been making a lot of big changes. In the same way that Godzilla made some big changes in Tokyo.”
Still, those not on board with [gestures expansively] all of this haven’t been taking Trump and the GOP’s assault on the Constitution/human decency lying down. Instead, as Lydic noted, they’ve been singing, dancing, and even awkwardly and haltingly cussing in an ongoing series of energetic (if occasionally earnestly cringe-worthy) protests across the country.
“Oooh, okay. You guys kiss your lobbyists with that mouth?”
after a montage of various democratic LAWMAKERS DROPPING f-bombs
“This is what happens when you’re the party of liberal arts majors. MAGA storms the Capitol and Democrats are doing creative writing exercises.”Â
after a montage of democrats suggesting alternate acronyms for “maga”
“I don’t know how but I think that this congressman somehow lost the beef for Kendrick.”
on congressman robert garcis (D-CA) quoting “not like us” to take down Elon Musk’s boy Doge army
“I do think every rap battle should end with, ‘Thank you, I yield my time.'”
“Is this how white ladies protest now? ‘I demand to dance for the manager!'”
on a “dance-in” protest of donald trump taking over the kennedy center for the arts
“This really feels like his moment. Too bad he’ll be 87 years old by the time the next election rolls around. Unless we can give him The Substance. I don’t know, I’m halfway through that movie. I assume it all works out?”
on the otherwise effective messaging of Bernie Sanders anti-oligarchy town hall
But there was one Democrat who earned nothing but “aww, snap” hand-waving praise from the Daily Show host. That’s Maine Governor Janet Mills, a former state attorney general who stood up to Trump’s in-person threats to stop federal funds to Maine unless she joins in on his demonization of transgender people with a simple, stern, “We’ll see you in court.”
“Yes! Andy Cohen will never make a show as good as what I just watched.”
“That’s how you do it. Forget singing, forget dancing, this is how you confront Trump—with tipsy aunt energy.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Noted Donald Trump critic/ bestower of nicknames Kimmel routinely makes hash out of the daily meat-grinder of Trump news. So it’s no surprise that he was unsparing in mocking former Trump personal attorney turned attorney general Pam Bondi for not following through on the widely hyped release of the Jeffrey Epstein client list.
The late (as in died suspiciously while under Trump administration custody) pedophile and celebrity panderer was, as Kimmel pointed out, a longtime and enthusiastic wingman of none other than Donald Trump (with Trump’s on-the-record statement of support for his pal’s fondness for very young women for emphasis). So Bondi distributing an anticlimactic binder of information already known instead of the bombshell list of names supposedly taking part in Epstein’s crimes didn’t shock Kimmel as much as it did the right-wing podcasters who received the disappointing documents.
“First the ‘deep state’ agents need to go through the documents and make sure they dot every ‘I’ and cross out every ‘DJT.'”
on one right-winger complaining about the non-bombshell
But reminding people of one of Trump’s (alleged) crimes wasn’t all for Kimmel, who moved on to Trump’s Friday meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, an already fraught confrontation only exacerbated by what Kimmel suggested were a raft of sketchy Trump scams.
“Basically they will give us access to their valuable minerals in exchange for us not letting Putin kill them all. In other words, the guy who was impeached for trying to extort Ukraine, tomorrow is planning to do it again in front of everyone.”
on reports of trump making exploitation of ukraine’s resources a condition of further U.S. aid
“Ukraine has a big chunk of the world’s lithium reserves, which is what they use in batteries for electric cars. Man, if only Trump knew someone who could use that sort of thing, you know?”
“Putting Elon Musk in charge of government contracts is like putting Pac Man in charge of fruit.”
on Elon Musk’s starlink being awarded a lucrative contract over former awardee verizon
Speaking of Musk, Kimmel continued to mock the wanton destruction of the federal workforce perpetrated by Musk’s DOGE.
“Trump said they would be fired if they didn’t, then said they wouldn’t be fired, then he said they would be semi-fired. Now he’s saying they’ll be wood-fired, with caramelized onions and maybe a handful of asiago cheese.”
on Musk’s email ultimatums to federal workers
“These are jobs held mostly by veterans. And it’s a tricky situation for Donald Trump because we know he doesn’t think much of veterans, but he loves affairs.”
on DOGE firing some 1,400 employees of the Veterans Affairs Administration
“They have been just about efficient as a Cybertruck in two inches of snow.”
“Maybe let’s not get rid of that Department of Education just yet.”
on Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) tweeting her “distain” for federal workers
Stephen Colbert
It was a monologue of barely repressed schadenfreude for Stephen Colbert. That’s because recent reports have shown that some Trump voters are now expressing “buyers’ remorse” what with the skyrocketing prices of everything from eggs to coffee to potato chips in spite of Trump’s “day one” promise to do the opposite.
“Kinda hard to feel a lot of sympathy for them. They ordered the turd soup and then said, ‘Waiter, there’s turds in my soup,’ then they came back four years later and said, ‘Hey, ya’ll still have that turd soup?'”
“Well that’s not surprising. That’s how Trump raised Eric.”
on one trump voter complaining about him “throwing babies out with the bathwater”
“That sounds really bad. But can you ever really know where you are on the uncertainty index?”
on one aptly named economic indicator
“Experts say that egg prices could jump 41 percent. Which means this year’s Easter egg hunt is gonna be The Purge.”
“The head of the smuggling operation—Pablo Eggscobar.”
Another area in which the Trump administration has shown some—let’s call it shaky judgement has been the choice of noted anti-science anti-vaxxer Robert F. Kennedy Jr to oversee all our nation’s healthcare. Colbert noted how the FDA under Kennedy has cancelled its annual meeting to select the specific formula for next year’s flu vaccine as one tiny little point of concern.
“So if no one’s picking what’s in the vaccine next year, I say you administer it to yourself with a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. ‘Okay, I’m gonna do a little strain A, a little strain D, and, ooh—a touch of root beer.'”
Still, it wasn’t all dire health news—for humans at least. That’s because there’s a new scientific breakthrough that promises to extend the life of your pet dog.
“There is a pill that makes you live longer but instead of giving it to humans, they’re giving it to dogs? That… is the correct decision.”
“Because a dog is man’s best friend and no one has ever said that about man.”
Jimmy Fallon
Sunday’s Academy Awards got things rolling over on The Tonight Show.
“The Oscars celebrate all the incredible, innovative, and inspiring movies that you’re waiting to watch on Netflix.”
“Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo will open the show with a performance from Wicked. I don’t know, does Wicked really work on stage?”
“I heard that this year’s Oscars gift bag contains $200,000 dollars worth of items. That’s right, it’s one carton of eggs.”
“This year, the Best Actor nominees include Timothée Chalamet for his role as Bob Dylan and Elon Musk for his role as president.”
Speaking of the unelected billionaire slashing away at vital government programs on the shakiest of authority, Fallon noted one problem with Musk’s tweet begging for retired air traffic controllers to return to the agency—after he fired hundreds of other air traffic controllers.
“That must have been a fun tweet to read while you were in mid-flight today.”
And on the dying businesses front…
“Tomorrow, Party City is closing all of their stores. There’s nothing more somber than letting the air out of a hundred balloons that say ‘Congrats.'”
“Tropicana orange juice could be headed for bankruptcy. Right now, Sunny D is like, ‘How the hell are we still here?'”Â
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host regularly commiserates with online content portraying the horrors of dating, but her Thursday monologue spotlighted one particularly relatable trend. Showing a series of young women being filmed freaking out in understandable jitters over a looming first date, single-and-on-the-apps Tomlinson was nothing but sympathetic.
“It’s honestly a great new slogan for Hinge. ‘Hinge: He’s gonna have a weird voice.'”
on one young woman’s greatest pre-date fear
“If a guy looks hot in his photos and has a normal bio, he’s definitely going to show up sounding like Jar-Jar Binks.”
“The f*cked up thing is you hope he has a weird voice. Because if he looks good, has a fun personality, and has a nice voice, he’s probably cheating on his wife and calling it ‘networking.'”
“Yeah, they’re either gonna kill you or your self-esteem.”
on another woman listing her fears, in order, as “he might be a murderer” or “think i’m ugly”
“Doesn’t it feel like her friend’s walking her to the first day of school? Like, ‘Okay, you have to be brave and go inside but I’ll pick you up if you vomit, promise.'”
on yet another being filmed nauseously walking into her date
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.
