Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Now He Wants a Vaccine
With the Supreme Court’s decision to hear a total immunity defense from Donald Trump (despite the former President’s case being laughed out of the U.S. Court of Appeals), the prospect of trying Trump for attempting to overthrow American democracy before the 2024 election is in peril.
To most legal scholars (and late-night hosts), it’s a baffling decision, as evidenced by Stephen Colbert musing, “It’s kinda weird that SCOTUS feels the need to consider whether or not laws exist.”
“The Supreme Court has decided to hear Trump’s immunity claim, further delaying his January 6 trial in the landmark case: ‘The People v. Do Laws Matter? Seriously, What Is Going On?! Justice Deferred Is Justice Gutted Like a Fish and Thrown in the River For Chum! One More of These Steaming Turds and I Swear to God on the Ghost of John Marshall I Will Drive to Washington and Rub My Ass on Your Gavels!'”
Stephen colbert
“Trump’s argument is that he could literally shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and get away with it. And I’ve got to be honest, if this holds up I’m worried that this person he shoots might be me.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“[Trump] is saying he needs to delay the cases so he can prepare for the other ones. It’s like when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s getting attacked by two guys and he bonks their heads together and they’re both out for the rest of the movie. “
Michael Kosta
“That makes it a total of 19 weeks of delays. These proceedings have been frozen for so long they legally count as children in Alabama.”
stephen colbert
“Some people are blaming the Supreme Court for dragging it out on purpose to help Trump, so today the Justices responded. First, Justice Elena Kagan said, ‘We should be acting faster to move this along.’ Then Justice Samuel Alito said, “I… totally… agree… with… you…”
Jimmy Fallon
“This is what happens when you let an extra from Home Alone 2 pick three Supreme Court Justices.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Now the good news is, we can all be happy that things have been moving so quickly. It’s only February and this is a trial about January 6—until you remember it was January 6 three [expletive] years ago, and you start going, ‘Why the f— did it take you so f—ing long to start this f—ing case when we all saw the f—ing insurrection on f—ing TV with our f—ing eyes?!’”
Seth Meyers
“That is terrible news for democracy but fantastic news for television. All of the plotlines will come together for the thrilling conclusion of… America.”
stephEn Colbert
Brother, Can You Spare All the Dimes?
A New York judge ruled this week that Donald Trump cannot delay paying the full amount of his $454 million civil fraud trial, seeing the purported billionaire facing the possibility of selling off his properties, and late-night hosts gleefully reveling in Trump’s misfortune.
“You know a lot of bad s—t has happened and will happen in this in this election,” advised Seth Meyers, “so I think it’s okay to just take a second and enjoy this sentence: Trump doesn’t have the money. “
“He owes, like, a whole Powerball jackpot.”
Jimmy kimmel
“As we say in New York [to the tune of “New York, New York”], ‘Start selling more shoes.'”
Stephen colbert
[Over a picture of Mar-a-Lago] “Look at that s—hole. It looks like a Medieval Times ripoff called Serf’s Up.”
Seth meyers
“Trump’s lawyers argued that he can’t post the whole bond because he doesn’t have the money without selling a building. Then sell a building, bitch!”
Stephen Colbert
“Aw, poor Donald Trump. I don’t feel sorry for him, I was describing him.”
Seth Meyers
“Sell Trump Tower. New York can redevelop it. First floor—weed store. Second floor—weed store. Third floor—pet groomer… that sells weed.”
stephen colbert
The Handmaid’s Males
Several hosts continued to hammer the recent Alabama court ruling that embryos created for the purpose of in vitro fertilisation are people, continuing the post-Dobbs v. Jackson decision assault on women’s rights.
“I’m sorry but if you can pass through a spaghetti strainer, that’s not human.”
michael kosta
“In Dobbs, the Court stripped women of their rights, and to justify it, Sam Alito cited a 17th century witch-hunter. Evidently he believes medical decisions are between a woman, her doctor and the mischievous imp who inflamed her loins with his alluring pan flute.”
stephen colbert
“Why would you want to criminalize one of the only time you can masturbate for a good cause?”
michael kosta
Potpourri
“The fast food chain Wendy’s is facing backlash after they announced plans this week to experiment with a new ‘dynamic pricing’ system. You know, like how the bathroom code is free if you order a salad or five bucks if you order the chili.”
Seth meyers
“The FDA is gonna make a logo to help people choose healthy foods. Which, good luck with that. This is America, it’s a victory if we can get people to unwrap things before eating them.”
michael kosta
“I read that Merriam-Webster announced that you can now end a sentence with a preposition. That is huge news everyone for.”
jimmy fallon
“Former President Trump yesterday posted a video to Truth Social that referenced our show as ‘very poorly rated.’ Wow, the guy tells the truth one time and it has to be a burn on me.”
seth meyers
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