Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Fate of the Union
President Biden delivered his State of the Union speech on Thursday, with Stephen Colbert jumping the late-night line with a live Late Show response. As it turned out, Biden overcame many of his “He’s too old” critics by delivering an energetic takedown of Trump supporters both in attendance and watching at home (or their Florida golf properties), calling out everything from Republicans’ Trump-mandated intransigence on a border security bill, the Supreme Court’s assault on women’s rights, and the overall GOP attitude toward immigrants, fair taxes for the rich, and true patriotism in the face of the creeping authoritarianism in its ranks.
As Colbert put it in introducing both Biden’s enthusiastic demeanor and The Late Show‘s broadcast, “We’re live—and so is Joe Biden.”
“Tonight, Joe Biden delivered [a speech that] has been described in the press so far as: ‘feisty,’ ‘fiery,’ ‘heated,’ ‘supreme,’ ‘crunchwrap’— I’m sorry. It’s really late and I’m hungry.”
stephen colbert
“It was kind of a tense night. Because it feels like this might be the last time we get a State of the Union. Depending on what happens next year, the State of the Union might just be a Kid Rock concert and an immigrant catapult.”
stephen colbert
“Tonight the room was filled with over 500 members of Congress, but Mitch McConnell wasn’t there. Well, he attended, but he wasn’t there.”
jimmy fallon
“On the Democratic side they wore white. On the Republican side they were white.”
Stephen Colbert
[On the prospect of watching Tucker Carlson’s online SOTU response] “Now, if you’re looking for some analysis of Biden’s speech after it’s over, then there are plenty of reputable places to go, or trustworthy journalists to follow for serious, sober discussion or good-faith criticism. Or if you want to feel like you just inhaled a cocktail of ketamine, asbestos and venison, then you can crawl into the dark corners of the weird, wild web and watch this dweeb.”
Seth Meyers
“Speaker of the house Mike Johnson got to stand next to Vice President Kamala Harris. And because he was standing that close to a woman, his son got an alert on his phone.”
stephen colbert
[Joe Biden: “In 1941, Franklin Roosevelt came to this chamber to address the nation”] “And he said, ‘Hey Joe!.'”
Stephen colbert
“Ooh, I can’t wait to find out if Biden covered any of Tucker’s favorite topics. Like tanning your testicles, eating insects, the awesomeness of Putin, or the f***ability of the green M&M.”
seth meyers
[On Clarence Thomas being the one Supreme Court justice not to attend] “It’s nice to know he’s willing to recuse himself from something.”
stephen colbert
“The last time an old man was telling us that passionately that he wanted to take us into the future, Marty McFly invented rock and roll.”
stephen colbert
Covid-versary
Despite health officials refusing to call for renewed precautions to prevent the spread of Covid, the highly contagious disease still remains one of the most prevalent causes of death in America, with an estimated 1,400 people still dying of Covid each week. As The Daily Show‘s Ronny Chieng chimed in, just because Americans are so over Covid, Covid isn’t done with us.
“Next week will be four years since we started taking [Covid] seriously because Tom Hanks got it.”
Ronny Chieng
[On a German man who is reported to have self-administered the Covid vaccine over 200 times] “I mean, I know anti-vaxxers are stupid but let’s not overcorrect here.”
Ronny Chieng
“Also a nice change of pace to see Germans doing human experiments on themselves.”
Ronny Chieng
GOP Joke Piñata
On a night dominated by the State of the Union, late-night hosts were glad that the Republican ranks are still out there providing plenty of monologue material. Playing a clip of retiring GOP Senator and recent Donald Trump endorser Mitch McConnell stammering upon being confronted with the fact that Trump has repeatedly and personally attacked both McConnell and his wife, Seth Meyers noted, “Oof. This is the first time McConnell just pretended to freeze.”
“In newly surfaced video, North Carolina gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson said that he would, ‘Absolutely want to go back to the America where women couldn’t vote.’ Especially now after saying that out loud.”
seth meyers
“Thanks to rules giving former members of Congress floor access, George Santos attended the State of the Union. C’mon, you can’t just go back to your old job like you never left—unless you’re Jon Stewart.”
stephen colbert
“In a post on X, Arizona Senate candidate Kari Lake spelled former Republican hopeful Nikki Haley’s birth name incorrectly. Well, I’m not surprised, racism and typos go together like Donald and Ttump.”
seth meyers
“Texas Senator Ted Cruz criticized Boeing’s lack of cooperation with a Transportation Department investigation yesterday and said it was, ‘Totally unacceptable.” Cruz wants to ensure air travel is completely safe in case there’s another natural disaster in his state.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“Yes, that’s right, America managed to airdrop food around a blockade that Israel built with weapons America gave them. That’s good, but wouldn’t it be better if the United States just told Israel, ‘Just move! Get out of the way!’”
Ronny Chieng
[After Robert F. Kennedy Jr. defended his relationship with noted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein by revealing that Bill Cosby once came to his house] “That has to be the worst celebrity name-dropping I’ve ever seen… Does he live in an apartment or Rikers?”
jimmy fallon
[After the FDA found dangerous levels of lead in store-bought cinnamon] “This morning parents were like, “Stop crying and eat your bowl of Cinnamon Toast Clank.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The food company Oscar Mayer announced yesterday that it will launch a plant-based hot dog. And for accuracy’s sake it’ll be made from the plants’ buttholes.”
seth meyers
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.