Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Not Beating That “Weird” Label Any Time Soon, Huh?
There’s nothing like watching bullies get owned. The GOP had been coasting on their boorish base’s incessant braying that Donald Trump was an invincible candidate while the media (and, it must be said, late-night hosts going for the easy laugh) harped on Joe Biden’s supposed infirmity so much that a second Trump presidency was starting to feel like a horrible inevitability. But with Kamala Harris having gracefully accepted Biden’s baton hand-off, the race is suddenly looking like a Democratic win in the running, while the wheezing, whining, babbling Trump suddenly appears to have no clothes.
One of the most effective strategies Democrats have adopted in this very changed race is mockery, and mockery is all about confidence. While there has been no shortage of Donald Trump jokes both in and outside of politics over the last [checks watch] interminable eternity, Trump’s capacity to simply deny obvious, damning truth in his groove-skipping rally bluster often made critics look desperate—and a little scared. No more these days, as the prevailing insult that “Republicans are just weird” has found the GOP’s vulnerable spot, and, in the way of all sneering bullies, they’re playing victim and whining foul while those not in the Trump cult just laugh and provide clip after clip of Republican politicians and pundits being, well, genuinely weird.
The slavering obsession with other people’s sex lives and genders. The fact that the Republican House Speaker shares a porn-tattling online relationship with his teenage son. Threatening to jail teachers over banned books, demanding women’s menstrual cycles, calling childless people unworthy “cat ladies,” doing interviews with things named “Catturd”—these are not un-weird things, and Democrats’ untroubled joy in pointing that out has really gotten under Republicans’ collective skin. Which brings us to bankrupt mail-order pillow mogul Mike Lindell, the improbable GOP power player who, on the eve of the DNC, charged online followers two bucks to watch him shave his mustache to unconvincingly act as a civilian super-spy at the Democratic gathering, where the foghorn-voiced grown adult immediately got into a shouting match about debunked voter fraud conspiracy theories with a 12-year-old content creator named Knowa De Brasco. Which he lost. As Seth Meyers marveled at Lindell’s deeply odd preparations, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this was actually a police sting operation to identify America’s weirdest uncles.”
[On the freshly shorn Lindell’s unconvincing undercover outfit] “Yeah, it’s a bad costume. If you see someone dressed like they’re gonna go to a tropical island but they’re not going to a tropical island, that person sticks out. You’re going cognito.”
seth meyers
“It is so weird to hear Mike Lindell’s voice coming out of a face with no mustache on it, because that is a mustache voice.”
seth meyers
[After the remarkably poised child left the red-faced Lindell babbling on to no one] “I’m sorry but can an adult intervene? You know what it takes for a 12-year-old to say, ‘You know what, I don’t think we’ve getting anywhere. You’re clearly having some big feelings right now.'”
seth meyers
“So according to Republicans, if you’re a childless adult you’re weird. But if you’re an adult yelling at a child about voter fraud while you’re dressed like Carmen Sandiego’s deadbeat dad, you’re normal.”
seth meyers
[After DNC speaker Gretchen Whitmer said Donald Trump’s never been in a supermarket] “‘Of course I have, Gretch, it’s that little fridge in the hotel room with the 20-dollar Snickers and the produce aisle is that tiny jar of nuts.'”
stephen colbert
[On smirking Fox News weirdo Jesse Watters reviving the racist “birther” conspiracy while spinning the further conspiracy that Barack Obama is still the Democrats’ evil puppet master] “Man, I used to think Spirit Airlines was the cheapest way to get to Hawai’i, but you can go for free if you just pop over to Fox News and say, ‘I got a lead on Obama’s birth certificate! I need about six weeks and some new golf clubs!'”
seth meyers
[On Watters desperately attempting to deny reality by calling the non-stop enthusiastic DNC boring] “Oooh, so boring. I forgot what a daredevil like you is. I forgot your life is a never ending joyride of talking to Brit Hume in between catheter ads on Fox.”
jon stewart
[On the gape-mouthed horror that is a Trump-themed knockoff of the old talking fish wall decoration] “Watch out fleshlight, there’s a new sheriff in town.”
Jimmy kimmel Live guest host rupaul
[On Trump’s social media posts including (all caps Trump’s) “WHERE’S HUNTER?” and “IS SHE TALKING ABOUT ME?” sent out by the GOP nominee during Kamala Harris’ historic closing speech] “By the way, if I was Donald Trump right now, I’d probably just be tweeting nonsensical sh*t to distract from the fact that she doesn’t faintly resemble the caricature that’s been painted. By the way, that is what he was doing.”
jon stewart
[Trump also ranted online that former high school football coach Tim Walz was only ever an assistant] “Oh my God! Of course, he was an assistant coach. You know what that means—Walz is only qualified to be some sort of… Vice President.”
Stephen colbert
“The theme for [the DNC] tonight was For Our Future. Which is vastly different from the theme of the Republican convention, which was Do You All Remember the Late Great Hannibal Lecter?”
rupaul
[After Kamala Harris accused Donald Trump of not being a serious person] “‘Not true Kamala, I am very serious. Just ask my friend, the late great Hannibal Lecter.'”
stephen colbert
[On Fox News complaining that the wildly successful convention was all about “vibes” over substance] “But I guess you’re right, you can’t feed your family on vibes. You can only feed your family on immigration fear-mongering. WooOOoo!”
jon stewart
“I swear to God, the guy running for president on the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man’s Catturd.”
jon stewart
[After Kamala Harris’ grand-nieces taught people (looking at you, Nancy Mace) how to pronounce “Kamala”] “By the way, if you’re looking to pronounce her opponent’s first name, it’s ‘Don’ like mafia leader and ‘Old’ like how his act is getting.”
stephen colbert
Democratic National Conclusion
The Democratic National Convention wrapped up on Thursday night, closing with Kamala Harris accepting the party’s nomination and becoming the first woman of color to front a major party presidential campaign. (Shout out to Democratic glass ceiling-buster Shirley Chisholm.) Harris’ fiery speech capped off a four-day gathering of suddenly energized Democrats, with Stephen Colbert referencing the whopping $500 million raised by the campaign since Harris took the keys from President Biden, pleading, “Congratulations, Democrats, you can stop texting now.”
“To honor the suffrage movement at this moment, many delegates and speakers wore all white. While Tim Walz honored suffragettes by being all white.”
stephen colbert
[On the DNC’s big, mostly diverse tent] “They had Black Americans, Asian Americans, gay Americans, Jewish Americans, Palestinian Amer—oh. Well, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight hours a night.”
jon stewart
[On the DNC trouncing the RNC in TV ratings] “Night 2 of the DNC featured Michelle and Barack Obama. While the second night of the RNC closed with Lara Trump and Marco Rubio. Thats like saying, ‘Sorry, we don’t have Coke, is diarrhea okay?'”
stephen colbert
“A lot can change in a month. Right now, Kamala’s campaign headquarters are buzzing, while Biden’s have been turned into a Spirit Halloween.”
jimmy fallon
[On MAGA viewers’ response to Kamala Harris’ patriotic, hopeful speech] “‘Why aren’t you doing the thing that they told us you were going to do? With the hammer and the sickle and the bandoleros with the Jell-O shots and the… why are you doing this?!'”
jon stewart
[After Harris pledged to lead America forward with “safety, dignity, and justice”] “Okay, Stalin.”
jon stewart
[On anti-Trump GOP speaker Adam Kinzinger accusing Trump of damaging the foundation of democracy] “Tim Walz would recommend you buy some Sakrete at Home Dept just as a temporary fix until you can level it up with some deep-injection polyurethane foam. Then maybe skim coat it and seal it, and while you’re at it, might as well throw in a throw in a French drain, ‘cause you’re never gonna regret it, buddy.”
stephen colbert
[On Kamala Harris wishing husband Doug Emhoff a happy anniversary from the stage] “I’m sorry she didn’t have a gift for you tonight, Doug. But if you wait a couple of months, she might get you a new house.”
stephen colbert
The Shady Doth Protest Too Much
Donald Trump really, really wants America to know that he doesn’t have a small, weird penis. Now some might scoff that such is the tenor of political discourse in America, especially after former two-term Democratic President Barack Obama did the subtlest bit of hilarious pantomime on the subject during his rapturously received Night 2 DNC speech. But lest anyone suffer a fall from that high horse, let’s all harken back to the 2016 Republican debate when Trump literally bragged about his dick on live national television, referencing the then-current jabs at the size of his hands. Clearly, someone has some tender spots in his oversized ego, if nowhere else.
As noted above, the only thing a braggadocious blowhard bully can’t abide, it’s well-targeted laughter, and Trump, true to self-proclaimed alpha males everywhere, just can’t let the issue go. On a campaign stop in front of one of those listlessly dwindling rally crowds he also can’t stop lying about, Trump—despite the theme of the event allegedly being national security—continued to strip bare his massive insecurities by calling Obama “nasty” (his favorite insult for people who get the better of him) and assuring that everyone within earshot would think of nothing except Donald Trump’s (allegedly) tiny wang on the drive home.
[After the not at all defensive Trump rambled on and on about the subject while joking that he was going to fire his advisors] “I mean, I don’t know. Did they tell you to go out there and keep talking about how Obama joked about you having a tiny penis? Then yeah, they should be fired.”
seth meyers
“That’s right, these are the new Democrats, man! They lead with joy, and compassion, and acceptance, and, oh yeah, we will f**k you uuuup.”
jon stewart
[After Kamala Harris warned that Donald Trump is “not done” trying to destroy American democracy] “Ah, Madame Vice President, I respectfully disagree. Because after you roasted him this hard, I think he’s well done.”
stephen colbert
Camera-sassin
Maybe it was the long, long nights on the Chicago convention floor, but the camerapeople covering the DNC seemed to be amusing themselves at times this week. First they caught a poor guy just trying to keep his orthodontist-prescribed teeth appliances in line. Then last night, a C-SPAN shooter and their editor picked just the right/wrong moment to cut away from Oprah Winfrey making fun of J.D Vance’s misogynist “childless cat ladies” insult to Democratic women to a lady innocently watching the rousing speech. (Ether that, or the GOP has an operative walking the floor.) Said lady, Maryland delegate Teresa Woorman, did her own bit of nimble comedy by looking ever her shoulder once she realized she was about to be a meme in feigned confusion, but the late-night jokes were already writing themselves.
“I love how she looked behind her like, ‘Please be somebody else.'”
jimmy fallon
“I love that the camera just stayed on her. She literally turned around and was like, ‘Are these motherf**kers saying that I…”
jon stewart
“That lady’s cats are gonna get an earful tonight.”
rupaul
[After Woorman happily revealed that she is, in fact single, and has two cats] “And you know what that means? C-SPAN don’t play.”
jon stewart
Potpourri
[Following the audience’s sad “Awwww” that this is RuPaul’s last night as guest host] “I know, we’re all sad that Jimmy’s coming back.”
rupaul
“Next month, former President Trump is host a ‘J6th awards gala’ with Rudy Giuliani to pay tribute to all January 6th defendants who’ve shown “incredible courage and sacrifice.” When they heard, the FBI was like, ‘We’ll be there.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer referring to herself as part of “Generation Sandwich”] “Me too, Governor. I’m on the cusp between Gen X and Gen BLT.”
stephen colbert
“I heard about a man in Thailand ho was using the bathroom when he was bitten down there by a 12-foot python. The guy’s okay but the python just found out he has a nut allergy.”
jimmy fallon
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