The official start of baseball season gave late-night hosts reason to take a deep, cleansing breather Thursday night… before getting back to Signalgate (yes, it’s a “gate” now), and Elon Musk’s latest political gambit. Here’s our rundown.
Ronny Chieng
The Daily Show zeroed in on the state of Wisconsin for Ronny Chieng’s Thursday monologue. And that can only mean one thing—a foreign-born billionaire is spending millions of dollars to try to sway a pivotal state supreme court election.
With Elon Musk backing Republican Brad Schimel over Democrat Susan Crawford, the Badger State has, as Chieng noted, been getting rained on with attack ads.
“20 million dollars is like one of his kids, it means nothing to him.”
on the amount of money Musk has spent to elect schimel
“Wow, why is SVU wasting its time in New York? You’ve got at least 20 seasons down there in Wisconsin.”
on the pedophile-heavy nature of the many attack ads airing in wisconsin
“To be fair, if I’m ever talking to a white woman over 50, and I forget her name, I just call her Susan Crawford and I’m usually right like 80 percent of the time.”
on one musk-funded attack ad using a photo of the wrong Susan crawford
“Maybe Elon just needs glasses. It could change everything. He could be like, Oh my God, that Cybertruck looks like sh*t.”
Stephen Colbert
Over at The Late Show, Stephen Colbert kept his focus where it’s been all week. “It’s a scandal we’re calling ‘New Phone, Who Dis on the Houthi Chat Boom Boom Ruh-Roh Room,” explained Colbert.
Colbert was especially savage regarding national security adviser Mike Waltz, who not only appears to have added journalist Jeffrey Goldberg to the sensitive text chain but has also reportedly left his private information unsecured all over the place. Not to worry though, since, as Colbert noted at length, plenty of other Trump figures have too.
“This scandal won’t be going anywhere any time soon because Mike Waltz has made a key strategic error. Being an idiot everywhere at all times.”
“He’s Venmo-ing his doctor? My man, if your doctor takes Venmo, that ain’t a doctor.”
on Waltz leaving his venmo transactions public—including those to his phsician
“They did an investigation and found that the Trump team’s private data was posted online, including mobile numbers, email addresses, and passwords belonging to Tulsi Gabbard, Pete Hegseth, and Mike ‘Yeah, You Know I’m on This List’ Waltz.”
on der spiegel discovering reams of private info about trump officials online
“These are our highest-ranking security officials. I don’t think we should trust these people with anything top secret. Hell, I don’t think we should trust these people with anything Pop Secret.”
“In that same White House meeting, not only did the president praise him, Trump assigned Waltz to ‘probe himself.’ Which we all know is a sin, but why limit it to Waltz? As far as I’m concerned, all these people can go probe themselves.”
“Trump cannot be happy about this. ‘Okay, we’ve lost Don Bacon. This just got real. If we lose Dave Nugget and Mark Filet-O-Fish, I’m a goner.”
after GOP congressman bacon (R-NE) ridiculed the Trump team’s excuses
Colbert also addressed Trump’s Women’s History Month address, in which he gave himself a new nickname.
“What’s worse than ‘the fertilization president.’ Wait—spermander-in-chief.”
“‘A goody bag that helps with fertilization?’ Sir, nobody wants to hear about your scrotum.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Thursday being opening day, Kimmel eased into the inevitable political jokes with a few sports zingers.
“They don’t even need to steal bases this year, they just buy them.”
on the dodgers’ massive payroll
“This is kind of cool. This year, the winning school gets to keep their federal funding.”Â
on the ncaa men’s basketball tournament
As that last joke showed, though, everything is political these days, as Kimmel continued to hammer the “perfect storm of incompetence, inexperience, dishonesty, and hypocrisy” surrounding Signalgate and the administration’s response to it.
“Even Matt Gaetz was like, ‘How can you be so careless?'”
on national security adviser mike waltz and others leaving their venmo list public
“What a group. We have a national security advisor who doesn’t know how to secure, a defensive Secretary of Defense, a pro-measles Secretary of Health, and a Secretary of Education who wants to close the Department of Education.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem. They’ve been so transparent, we’ve seen all their information.”
on press secretary karoline leavitt saying the administration has been transparent about the leak
“You know how sometimes your friends defend you and you wish they wouldn’t? ‘In the old days when Pete would get hammered and text, everything was spelled wrong, his thoughts were bizarre—this had none of that. There wasn’t even a dick pic!'”
on pete hegseth’s fox colleagues assuring viewers the defense secretary wasn’t drunk
“Pete Hegseth and Mike Waltz have said and done so many stupid things this week, Trump might have to start calling them Eric and Don Jr.”
“Blaming Signal for this is like blaming Tinder when you get caught cheating on your wife.”
on trump’s newest excuse
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show also took on Signalgate and varuous other goings on in the Trump Administration Thursday night.
“It’s not good—right now the White House has a group chat about invading Sesame Street.”
on Trump calling on Republicans to defund PBS and npr
“Though right now China’s like, ‘Who needs to spy through TikTok when you leak everything in group chats'”
on trump claiming he has a plan to save tiktok before its april 5 ban
“That’s a relief. I mean, he said the same thing about Covid and no problems there.”
on trump calling the massive national security breach this week “no big deal”
“Meanwhile whenever McDonald’s takes away the McRib, Trump threatens to bomb Scotland.”
“He was like, I have to compare them to the documents I have in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.”
on trump’s claim that none of the leaked war plans were classified
“AHA. It makes sense because under RFK Jr, laughter might be our best and only medicine.”
on kennedy’s plans to gut the Health and human services department in favor of a consolidated department called the administration for a healthy america
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The same tired, unoriginal jokes from these hacks. They must get all of them from some clearing house that just mass produces them. Each one as unoriginal as the next