Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
CryptoLarceny
On a night when two of the five late-night hosts were elsewhere (The Late Show‘s Stephen Colbert being occupied with more presidential matters, as noted below), the Thursday conviction of cryptocurrency scammer Samuel Bankman-Fried was a popular target for those on duty. Convicted of securities fraud and conspiracy for looting his crypto exchange and a related hedge fund for upwards of $10 billion, the 32-year-old disgraced former financial whiz kid was sentenced to 25 years in prison, with the presiding judge calling Bankman-Fried out for lying under oath and a general lack of remorse.
“Let’s begin with the breaking news, Sam Bankman-Fried, disgraced crypto mogul and man who got bitten by a radioactive pube, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for all his crypto scams.
jordan klepper
“It’s even worse news for his cellmate. He’s stuck for 25 years with a guy who loves talking about crypto.”
jimmy fallon
At Least He’s Not Selling Bibles
President Joe Biden hauled in an impressive $25 million toward his campaign fund on Thursday when he held a fundraiser at New York’s Radio City Music Hall alongside former Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton. The event was hosted by Mindy Kaling and featured celebrity Biden supporters like Queen Latifah, Lizzo, Ben Platt, Cynthia Erivo, and Lea Michele, with The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper calling the event, “the biggest one-day cash grab of all time.”
Meanwhile, Biden’s challenger, Donald Trump, continues to hawk both sketchy gold-dyed high-top sneakers and even sketchier hybrid Bible/founding document books alongside country singer Lee Greenwood in an attempt to distract people from the rapidly tanking suspected pump-and-dump scheme that was GOP mega-donor Jeff Yass’ bailout of Trump’s failing Truth Social social media platform, whose stock price fell precipitously after its splashy debut on Tuesday.
“Wow, Biden, Obama, and Clinton all in one show. It’s like Coachella for the kids who asked the teacher for more homework.”
Jordan Klepper
“President Biden attended a fundraiser tonight at Radio City Music Hall that featured former Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, and was hosted by Stephen Colbert. Oh, huh, so I guess an ice cream date just means nothing to you?”
seth meyers
“Some people are spending $500,000 to be there. And guys, I’m sorry, but this just feels gross. 500 thousand dollars for access to a president? That’s just not how democracy should work. Save that money for a Supreme Court Justice—much better bang for your buck.”
jordan klepper
[On Truth Social’s ridiculously overvalued and doomed public debut] “The only way this business could be any more of a failure is if, every time you opened an account, you got a free Zune, a bottle of Crystal Pepsi, a Blockbuster card, a Motorola flip-phone that came pre-loaded with a MySpace account, and a free trip next to the door on Alaska Airlines.”
seth meyers
It Tolls for Thee (and Your Car)
New York City unveiled a new plan to stem the city’s incessant drive-time gridlock and the attendant pollution and delays by instituting a controversial $15 toll for drivers adding to its 700 thousand-vehicle weekday Manhattan traffic snarl. With most of the late-night shows filming right in that same heart of the Big Apple, naturally there were a few opinions.
“Now, every city is all too familiar with the side effects of traffic. Delays, pollution, flipping someone off a mile back and now you’re stuck next to them for an hour.”
Jordan Klepper
“And that’s not all. The city announced some other new tolls, check these out. You’ll have to pay $15 if you make eye contact with someone on the subway for more than three seconds. They’ll also charge you $15 if you say, ‘This is just like Sex and the City!,’ when all you’re doing is eating brunch. And finally, it’s $15 if you block the whole sidewalk because you’re a family of tourists linking arms like the Rockettes.”
jimmy fallon
“The last thing I want is angry drivers in New York. I mean, can you imagine?”
jordan klepper
“New York’s already too expensive! A beer? 15 dollars. Grab a lunch? That’s 40 bucks. A handy from Times Square Elmo? Not in this economy.”
jordan klepper
Potpourri
“The CDC reports that sexually transmitted diseases are becoming more common among older adults. It’s even worse the next morning when you’ve got to do the walker of shame.”
jimmy fallon
“Former Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway is reportedly considering joining the 2024 team. Though that could be a lie because it was reported by Kellyanne Conway.”
seth meyers
“Germany is legalizing marijuana. In a related story, flights from Berlin to Amsterdam are down 3,000 percent.”
jimmy fallon
“According to a new survey, 35 percent of men said that it is important for them to smell good during their first sexual experience with a new partner. While the other 65 were given a fake phone number.”
seth meyers
“Tonight at midnight, Beyoncé’s long-awaited country album, Country Carter, is being released. The album is gonna be huge. Right now God is like, ‘Should we move Easter back a week so there’s no conflict?’”
jimmy fallon
“The Massachusetts state police have announced that their robot dog was shot last month during a standoff on Cape Cod. Which is also the sentence Massachusetts parents use to teach their children the accent.”
seth meyers
“Burger King is celebrating next month’s solar eclipse by giving out free Whoppers. They’re even giving out special glasses so you can stare directly at the meat.”
jimmy fallon
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