Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Mindlessness Is the Message
Pundits and late-night hosts alike have been pretty vocal about the fact that Donald Trump is losing it. Especially since he’s been forced to ramp up to actually campaign in the face of a new Democratic opponent who is younger, more energetic, and far more willing to throw hands than elder statesman Joe Biden. To put it mildly (as the mainstream media infuriatingly continues to do) or bluntly (most late-night hosts), the Republican nominee is utterly lost and flailing without President Biden’s supposed infirmity to kick around.
Several so-called policy speeches this week have borne that fact irreparably out, as Trump used an economic speech to do some breath mint-based prop comedy and muse about ice cream flavors while promising that foreign governments could “take advantage” of America as long as they’re willing to pay for the privilege. (Your guess is as good as ours.) Again, unlike the stalwart legacy media who remain constitutionally unwilling or unable to call out a twice-impeached insurrectionist, convicted felon, lifelong racist, and legally judged rapist for babbling on like overnight AM radio with a loose tuning button, comedy hosts are picking up the slack and calling a doddering maniac a doddering maniac. As Seth Meyers put it during tonight’s A Closer Look segment, “Trump has reportedly been rattled and disoriented by Harris’ surge, and now he’s struggling to adjust and stay on message. Mainly because he has no message. There’s no intellect or thought process, he just moves around reacting to light and heat like one of those single-celled organisms.”
[On perpetually flip-flopping Trump punching bag Nikki Haley advising Trump to speak intelligently to voters] “You can’t treat people like they’re smart if you’re not also smart, you know? You know how dumb people treat smart people? They shove ‘em into lockers.”
seth meyers
[On exasperated Republicans Haley and Kevin McCarthy vainly hoping their candidate will somehow act smarter] “You know your campaign’s going really badly when you need advice from the woman who lost by 40 points and the guy who was House speaker for less than a week.”
desi lydic
“You think notorious moron Donald Trump is suddenly going to be capable of having a smart conversation with voters? This is a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer, thinks human should inject bleach to cure Covid, and thinks electric boat batteries will lead to shark attacks. That’s a real thing he said. Even the sharks’d be like, ‘Um, maybe we shouldn’t eat this guy. I think he’s gone bad.'”
seth meyers
“[On Trump asking, ‘This is Tic Tacs, right?, as part of his bold economic speech] “Yes? I mean they came out of your pocket, so they might be roofies…”
desi lydic
“People say Trump is an entertainer and it’s true. What’s more entertaining than watching a 78-year-old man fumble around inside his coat pocket for a container of Tic Tacs. He’s like a drunk magician at a five-year-olds birthday.”
seth meyers
“Then Trump said, ‘It’s very sad that China is spying on us through Tic Tac, it really is.'”
jimmy fallon
“That is not an example of inflation, it’s just two different sizes of breath mints. I mean, my understanding of macroeconomics is limited, but I do know for a f**king fact that inflation is not defined as ‘big Tic Tac, little Tic Tac.'”
desi lydic
[On Trump and Elon Musk bro-ing out over the fun of firing striking workers, prompting legal action from one of the country’s most powerful labor unions] “You know, I owe Trump an apology. I used to think he was an Olympic-level idiot, but I was wrong. Only a genius chess master Jedi wizard would do a conference call on a dying app with a South African vampire and, after a 40 minute technical delay, brag about how awesome it is to fire people during a campaign where the number one issue is jobs.”
seth meyers
“Trump bragged about firing people and now he’s the subject of federal labor charges filed by a union representing workers in a crucial industry that, as you may have heard, is prominently located in Michigan, a key swing state. Although Trump probably doesn’t even know that. If an aide asked him, ‘Where do you think cars are made?,’ he’d probably answer, Car-Olina.”
seth meyers
“Tim Walz and J.D. Vance just agreed to a VP debate in New York City on October 1. Yep, J.D. Vance said, ‘I’ll be there,’ and Trump said, ‘We’ll see about that.'”
jimmy fallon
“[On Trump’s unenthusiastic eventual kickoff to the economy portion of his economic speech] “’All right, I guess we’re doing it. We’re doing it right now.’ Now he understands what every woman was thinking when they slept with him.”
desi lydic
Meanwhile, In Smart World
Kamala Harris continues to surge in the polls. Oh, and in fundraising. And don’t forget new voter registration. Crowd size is also quite impressive. Basically, as Trump’s campaign to literally end American democracy in favor of the sort of dictator-topped kleptocracy he so readily praises sinks, Harris’ rises like some gloriously just science experiment. With her canny and endearingly enthusiastic choice of Tim Walz as her running mate, the current Vice President is cruising into next week’s Democratic National Convention with all the momentum.
[After Walz, echoing the United Auto Workers, called Trump a scab] “It really helps that Walz has the energy of a high school football coach sticking up for his players. ‘Hey coach, your quarterback just called my quarterback a loser. Well let me check the scoreboard here. We scored 31 points, you guys scored 6. That’s not name calling, that’s just a fact!'”
seth meyers
“Kamala Harris is crushing it. She’s up in the polls, she’s raising tons of money [shows photo of Tim Walz], she collected the white man Infinity Stone.”
desi lydic
[On organizations flocking to support Harris at next week’s Chicago DNC, including both free beer and free contraception booths] “Hopefully all at once— you can order an IPA with an IUD,”
stephen colbert
“It’s so awesome the Democrats finally have a candidate with ‘dad stuck in traffic’ energy.”
seth meyers
“Throughout the week, the DNC is planning all kinds of daytime programming that they’re calling DemPalooza. Or, for fans of Tim Walz, Coach-Chella.”
stephen colbert
[Noting that the many Dem-supporting celebrities at the DNC will include the star of Young Sheldon] “Okay that is just more proof that Kamala has got the youth vote. Because before she got in, Democrats were popular among the 80-year-old Sheldons. The Shelderly.”
Stephen Colbert
“It all poses a big problem for Donald Trump. He’s been trying everything he can think of to stop her ascent. He’s been insulting her race, insulting her race even more, oh, um, insulting her gender, even more race stuff, blah-blah-blah.”
desi lydic
[After Walz proudly told a crowd how he’d been sued for banning mandatory anti-union workplace meetings] “Be careful though, Tim. You don’t want to start a bragging war with Donald Trump over who’s been sued more, you’ll never win. [Trump voice] ‘I’ve been sued for everything: harassment, fraud, libel, fraud, defamation, fraud, wrongful termination, fraud, non-payment of services, personal injury, defective products, negligence, discrimination, fraud, breach of contract, fraud, tax fraud, business fraud, Tic Tac fraud. They said they were Tac Tics and I was trying to pass them off as Tic Tacs, you’re not allowed to do that. Civil fraud, campaign fraud, insurance fraud, mail fraud, mortgage fraud, securities fraud, wire fraud, foreclosure fraud, and fraud fraud where I defrauded a fraudster… for fraud.'”
seth meyers
Potpourri
[ A rare monologues round-up aside: Readers may notice that this week’s Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Jeff Goldblum hasn’t been featured much. Mainly because the actor doesn’t tell a lot of traditional monologue jokes while still being delightfully entertaining. Perhaps this quote will explain.] “I would love to stay, but I gotta get back to my full time gig of enchanting the world with my charming eccentricities.”
jeff goldblum
“President Biden and Vice President Harris announced a historic deal to lower the prices of 10 medications for seniors. When asked how the 10 medications were picked, the White House said they were on Biden’s summer 2024 top medications list.”
jimmy fallon
[On Joe Biden’s plan to “hand over the keys” to Kamala Harris at the DNC on Monday] “And that is so wonderful. It’s always better when the seniors hand over the keys willingly. Otherwise, you gotta go Benadryl in the pudding.”
stephen colbert
“But what a wonderfully eye-opening experience this has been. Of all the things that I have done in my career, from plays to sitcoms to movies, this has been, by far, the least lucrative.”
jeff goldblum
[On the reported hack of every Americans’ social security number] “Americans are like, ‘How could someone get our data?’ And then went back to scanning their faces to buy a $3 air fryer on Temu.”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump constantly denying that he’s broke] “No one who actually has a lot of cash has to say that. If you’re at dinner with Richard Branson, you never hear him say, ‘It’s on me, I have a lot of cash.'”
seth meyers
“Even Tango didn’t say Cash that often. If you got that joke, it’s time to schedule a colonoscopy.”
seth meyers
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