Thurs Night Monologues: A 165-Page American Horror Story

Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Up Smith’s Creek

Hey, remember that time the guy chosen by the Republican Party for the third time to be its presidential candidate threw a seditious tantrum and sent a violent mob to storm the seat of power in Washington to prevent him from leaving the office he lost in a fairly contested democratic election? Well the GOP is making a collective panic-push to pretend that that infamous and indelible stain on American democracy led by Donald Trump and abetted by a shocking number of elected Republican officials is something only those crazy, obsessed, “Trump Derangement Syndrome” libs give a crap about.

Yeah, that’s not going to work. As an election featuring a literal traitor to democracy looms, the 165-report from special counsel Jack Smith outlining just how brazenly Trump and his minions worked to foment the January 6 insurrection and sow doubts about an election they all knew Trump lost has that sad, red-faced gaggle of cheaters flooding the airwaves and internet with excuses, projection, and gaslighting like an unfaithful one-term President caught having sex with an adult film star while his third wife was recuperating from giving birth to the couple’s child.

Late-night hosts, who have strangely never quite moved on from finding absurdities and gallows humor about a major party’s nominee being a literal threat to American democracy, are finding plenty to talk about in Smith’s findings. Especially since Smith’s report contains an embarrassing amount of verbatim crimes as reported by dozens of (all Republican) witnesses inside Trump’s inner circle.

You know, like when Trump, informed about the January 6 riot squad openly threatening to hang Vice President Mike Pence, replied, “So what?” Or when the then head of the RNC, Ronna McDaniel , told Trump that his scheme to dispute the election results was “f**king nuts.” Or when a Trump insider, informed how MAGA morons were getting violent while threatening Michigan election workers, said simply, “Let them riot.” As Seth Meyers put it when even he found himself taken aback by Team Trump’s incompetent, in writing coup-manship, “I can’t believe I’m saying this: Donald Trump, you need better accomplices.”

YouTube player

“We knew some of the stuff in this report already but it’s still so gratifying to read the novelization of the horror movie we all lived through.” 

stephen colbert

“A bombshell filing in former President Trump’s election interference case was just unsealed, and it accused Trump of resorting to crimes in an effort to stay in power. I know this is going to sound controversial, but I’m just going to come out and say it—I think Trump might have done something wrong.”

jimmy fallon

[Blissfully sniffing the hefty 165-report] “Oh, it smells like consequences.”

stephen colbert

[After a montage of Republicans claiming that Trump leaving office on January 20 proves he’s all about the “peaceful transfer of power”] “Okay, but what else happened in January? Does you’re calendar skip the sixth of every month? That’s what you get for buying those cheap Trump calendars.”

seth meyers

“Today when asked about Trump’s 2020 election interference, J.D. Vance said, ‘I’m focused on the future election interference.'”

jimmy fallon

“You’re leaving out the biggest part. I feel like an English teacher watching a student do an oral report on The Great Gatsby. ‘Uh, it’s about a wealthy man who throws awesome parties in the Hamptons.’ ‘And what does the green light symbolize?’ ‘Uh, the green light means go, you know? Go party more. Nothing bad ever happens if you just keep the party going.'”

seth meyers

“You don’t get credit for peacefully leaving a convenience store after you violently try to rob it. ‘Give me all you money!’ ‘Hey, is that a comb in your pocket?’ ‘All right, fine, you got me, it’s a comb. I’m leavin’—peacefully, I might add.'” 

seth meyers

“The news of Trump’s alleged crimes are being called an ‘October surprise,’ while most Americans are like, ‘Um, we’re not that surprised.'”

jimmy fallon

[On Trump crony Corey Lewandowski asking incredulously why people are still talking about Trump’s attempted coup] “Oh, I can help you with this. People are still talking about it because it was a crime. And four years is not very long when it comes to crimes. The number one show on Netflix right now is about the Menendez brothers and that was over 30 years ago.”

seth meyers

“Also people can focus on more than one thing at a time. For instance, right now I’m reading the cue cards and trying to figure out why Corey Lewandowski here reminds me of a penis with googly eyes.” 

seth meyers

[On Smith’s cautious legalese] “Pretty damning language I gotta say. But pretty weird word choice to say that Trump ‘resorted to crimes.’ That’s like saying, ‘With nowhere else to turn, the bear resorted to pooping in the woods.'”

stephen colbert

“And just to note, ‘resorted to crimes’ should not be confused with ‘crime resort,’ another name for Mar-a-Lago.”

stephen colbert
YouTube player

“According to the filing, Trump told his staff that he was going to declare victory regardless of the results. Vladimir Putin heard and was like [wipes away tears], ‘My little man is growing up.'”

jimmy fallon

[On then-RNC chair Ronna McDaniel calling Trump’s claims of election-rigging “f-ing nuts”] “But hey, maybe she meant in a new way. You know, like a movie reviewer walking out of Megalopolis. ‘This movie is f**king nuts.’ ‘In a good way?’ ‘I gotta be honest, I don’t know.'”

seth meyers

“The filing says that on January 6, when Trump was told Mike Pence had to be taken to a secure location for his safety, his response was, ‘So what?’ To be honest, I’m more surprised Trump didn’t tweet out the secure location.”

jimmy fallon

“They actually wrote down the words ‘make them riot’ like they were Ticketmaster execs putting Sabrina Carpenter tickets up for sale.” 

seth meyers

Artless Dodger

Naturally, nobody’s panicking more desperately than Trump himself. Apart from the expected all-caps blurts of “ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” and the like, Trump has stuck to his guns in the face of Smith’s damning report and, you know, reality, resorting to one childish refrain in particular.

[On Trump’s “I didn’t rig the election, they did” defense] “What a baby. That’s just as bad as Jeffey Dahmer’s famous defense, ‘No you ate my neighbor!'”

stephen colbert

“The old ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ defense.”

jimmy kimmel

“He’s actually right about some of that. He didn’t rig the election, he tried to rig the election and failed to rig the election. He’s a rignoramus, is what he is.” 

jimmy kimmel

“Well yeah, the man cannot handle losing anything. How did he ever handle running those pageants? ‘And the next Teen Miss USA is… me! Oh my God, I can’t believe, oh my God, I’m gonna cry. The only problem now is how do I walk into my dressing room while I’m changing.'” 

stephen colbert

[On Trump telling Dr. Phil that he would have won California (which he lost by 30 points) if Jesus did the vote counting] “If Jesus came down to Earth, you’d make him count votes? May I remind you he’s the son of God, he can cure disease and walk on water, you want him doing clerical work in the Sacramento registrar’s office.”

seth meyers

“When he saw the filing, even Jesus was like, ‘Jesus.'”

seth meyers

Science Treason

One detail in the Smith report that hosts leapt on was a phone call between Trump and his disgraced former lawyer and Kraken-releaser Sydney Powell. In the transcript, Trump was shown covering the receiver with his hand while Powell spelled out the conspiracy theory that the vote was rigged by, among other entities, communists, the voting machine companies, and then- and still-deceased Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez, and told people in the room that Powell was “crazy” while “making a reference to the science fiction series Star Trek. “

The exchange goes a long way toward showing two things. One: Trump absolutely knew his professed claims of voter fraud and rigging were lies. And two: Jack Smith really let hosts’ imaginations run wild by not being more specific.

YouTube player

“Now here’s my biggest question? What was the Star Trek reference? Was it original series or Next Generation? Hell, if it was DS9, I might vote for him. Ooh, is it the famous episode where Picard tries to speak to the aliens who only speak in allegories? ‘That woman is harder to follow than Darmok and Jalad at Tenagra. It looks like her face got in the way when the walls fell.’ And guys, if you don’t get that joke you’re missing out on a classic.”

seth meyers

“Well I mean Star Trek makes sense. Trump clearly knew the whole thing was a grift, a fraud, a scam, uh, what’s the word I’m looking for? [Clip of William Shatner screaming, ‘Khan!!!’]”

stephen colbert

[Switching franchises] “At one point, Jason Miller, an adviser to Trump, makes fun of the motley crew of Trump’s legal experts, derogatorily referring to them as ‘the Star Wars bar.’ Come on, that’s not fair. The band in the Mos Eisley space port cantina looked like this [photo of Doikk Na’ts], and Trump’s lawyers looked like [photo of Rudy Giuliani], okay yeah, I see it.” 

stephen colbert

Oh, [Redacted] Is Totally Screwed

Jack Smith is nothing if not meticulous in his legal duties, thankfully, That means that the 165 pages of heavy treason reading is filled with blanked-out names of Republican co-conspirators, as required by proper legal procedure. Not that some of the people involved are that tough to figure out. Trump having a damning conversation with [redacted] and [redacted] when the description describes the two anonymous figures as Trump’s daughter and son-in-law? C’mon, son.

In addition to accomplices Trump’s related to, other incompletely redacted GOP figures about to finally go through some things reportedly include the likes of Roger Stone, Mark Meadows, Steve Bannon, Pam Bondi, Jenna Ellis, Dan Scavino, Tucker Carlson, Boris Epshteyn, Ken Paxton, Peter Navarro, John Eastman, Kenneth Cheesboro, and a host of other people currently on trembling phone calls with their lawyers. Oh, and former Vice President Mike Pence and former lawyer Rudy Giuliani, whose reported actions hosts could have guessed with their eyes closed.

[On Trump telling the redacted Jared and Ivanka that they have to “fight like hell” even though he lost the election] “Come on, we know who they are! This would be like if Arby’s changed their slogan to, ‘Arby’s: We have the [Redacted].'”

stephen colbert

[On Trump’s “fight like hell” promise where he added that it doesn’t matter if he won or lost the election] “No, it does matter if you lose. ‘Okay, kids bring it in here. Other tee ball team beat us 5-1, but what’s important is we continue t fight like hell. Timmy, grab a bat and take out their knees.'”

stephen colbert

[On the report that Giuliani sent one incriminating text to the wrong number] “Just one problem, the message failed because he typed the wrong number into his phone. That would explain the text Rudy got back, ‘Do you want pepperoni on that?'”

seth meyers

“Oh God, please, please Lord, please let it have gone to one of those spam marketing texters. ‘Oh my God, Cathy! Someone finally texted back rating their customer experience at Ann Taylor Loft! Nah, it’s just Rudy again, forget it.'” 

stephen colbert

“In case you don’t remember, Rudy also left a voicemail for the wrong senator on January 6, trying to get them to overturn the results. And he butt-dialed an NBC reporter discussing his need for cash and his attempt to dig up dirt on the Bidens. As a favor to Rudy, stop giving this man your phone number. The only two numbers he should have in his phone are his doctor and a liquor store that delivers.”

seth meyers

[On Trump complaining that Mike Pence “is too honest” to help him deny election results] “What do you expect? Say what you want about Mike Pence—and I have—you can see that this man is a narc from low orbit. ‘I’m happy to leave a penny but taking a penny would be tantamount to stealing. And then I couldn’t sleep at night, in the twin bed next to mother’s twin bed.'”

stephen colbert

Election Interference Strikes Out

Apart from the fact that it’s always good to see workers forcing corporations to listen to their concerns about safety, pay, automation, and health care, the recently announced strike by the nation’s beyond-essential dockworkers did raise a few red flags. Mainly becuse the longshoreman’s union head is a guy named Harold Daggett, whose pugnacious threat to “cripple” America if the union’s demands are not met is classic dockworker’s union-blunt. New Jersey native Daggett —who totally is not connected to the Mob—is also, however, a vocal Donald Trump supporter, leading to some speculation that the proposed strike was timed to theoretically help the flagging Trump in the remaining few weeks before Election Day.

(Anyone pointing out that the infamously union-busting Trump recently boasted about never paying his workers overtime and whose recent Teamsters president appearing at the RNC caused a brutal schism in that union’s membership as proof that there is a major disconnect between monied leadership and the rank-and-file workers they’re supposed to represent is… 100 percent correct.)

Well, sadly for everybody except the overworked workers themselves, the volatile situation appears to have been resolved, with a tentative agreement in the union’s favor forestalling the collective action and defusing both the potential shortages a strike would have caused and the predictably heating-up debate over election shenanigans. The Daily Show‘s Michael Kosta had a whole segment profiling the various issues involved in what seemd like the inevitable strike and everything. Hang in there, Mike—the underlying points are still good.

YouTube player

“You might not know this, but when you order a foam-roller or a stapler from Amazon, it’s not just magically made on your doorstep by elves. No, it’s made in China by children and then it’s put on a ship and sent to America where dockworkers take it off the ship.”

michael kosta

[On an irate worker’s bullhorn-aided complaint that he could make more working at McDonald’s] “Okay, good message. Not a very easy chant. ‘We want to work! According to some schools of philosophic thought, it is man’s nature to work! But we also have material needs that must be addressed! It’s the tension between these two conflicting dynamics that has resulted in our collective labor action!'”

michael Kosta

[On Dagget’s “cripple you” threat] “Hey man, don’t cripple me, all right? I’m not a shipping conglomerate, leave me out of it. I’m just a guy who addresses his anxiety with the mild dopamine hit of spending $70 on Amazon every day.” 

michael kosta

“Now you could argue that the phrase ‘I’ll cripple you’ is a little aggro coming from a union boss, but I’ll tell you what’s never worked. It’s when workers say, ‘Uh hi, excuse me, for-profit, multinational company? I was just kind of wondering if you had some extra money you didn’t want? Maybe we could have it?'”

michael kosta

[On anti-union forces pointing out Daggett’s wealthy lifestyle in comparison to the workers he represents] “I mean, this is what I love about America. Everyone’s cool if a tech CEO or a movie star or a TikTok-er who farts on cakes has a big house. But if you’re working hard labor, they’re like, ‘You should sleep in a bunk bed at your mother’s house just like the rest of us!'”

michael kosta

“Despite the bad optics, the longshoremen have a lot of political support in this fight. Both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump are backing the striking workers, a sign that even in these polarizes time, both candidates really want to win the election in a few weeks.”

michael kosta

“And you might be wondering, ‘How can I help support these striking dockworkers?’—Just kidding, you’re wondering, ‘Is this going to affect me?'”

michael kosta

Pro-Choose To Buy My Book

YouTube player

In the series of unintentionally hilarious/creepy soft-focus videos promoting her upcoming memoir, missing in action former First Lady Melania Trump this week claimed to be pro-choice, in opposition to her husband’s adherence to Project 2025’s “women are state property at the moment of conception” stance. Now some might cynically think that this is merely a ploy to make Trump look more moderate than he is to women voters, or that Melania Trump is attempting to drum up some controversy to hawk her book. Jimmy Kimmel suggests that those cynics are essentially correct.

[On Melania asking rhetorically, “What does ‘my body, my choice’ really mean?”] “You know what, that’s a great question. Maybe ask the fat, sweaty manatee banging on your bedroom door with his little pink fists what it means.” 

jimmy kimmel

“Melania’s views on abortion are actually very progressive. She believes women should be able to abort their stepchildren.” 

jimmy kimmel

“I guess if you’re Melania the safest place to contradict your husband is in a book, where neither he nor any of his supporters will ever see it.”

jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

“[On reports that embattled New York mayor eric Adams may be facing even more charges] “Now I know this is going to be controversial, but I’m just going to come out and say it—I think Mayor Adams might have done something wrong.”

jimmy fallon

“The election is only 32 days away. We have two major candidates for President. One wants to take away your health care, already took away reproductive rights, was found guilty of 34 felonies with more to come, was impeached twice, and openly tried to overturn the election. The other candidate isn’t the first candidate, and that’s kind of all you need to know.” 

jimmy kimmel

[On a court allowing betting on congressional elections] “This is the last thing American democracy needed. ‘Hey honey, how did the voting go?’ ‘Ugh, I stood in line for hours, and then when I got to the booth, Tony The Shark Fin Gambino threatened to shank me if my vote doesn’t help him cover the spread.'”

michael kosta

[On a Trump rally-goer comparing him to Jesus] “Yeah, it’s quite a connection, Trump and Jesus. Where do you think Trump got the idea to sell hundred thousand dollar watches and bitcoin? From Jesus.” 

jimmy kimmel

[After GOP Congressman Mike Collins posted a photoshopped picture of J.D. Vance to make it look, among other things, like the VP pick has a jawline] “The makers of Ozempic were like, ‘Don’t look at us, not even we can do that.'”

jimmy fallon


Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *