Will the U.S. join Israel’s strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities? After days of mixed signals—and mounting monologue fodder—President Trump finally offered a definitive update Thursday: he’ll get back to us in two weeks. Plus: Summertime’s here, and it’s getting sticky.
Indecision 2025
We may have started the day “on the brink of the precipice of the edge of finding out if Donald Trump is going to bomb Iran” (as Stephen Colbert put it), but we ended it somewhere else entirely.
“We’ve all been desperately trying to read Trump’s tea leaves. His type of tea? Insana.”
Stephen Colbert
“The White House said Trump will make a decision on the U.S. involvement in Iran within the next two weeks. If Trump thinks about this decision for two weeks, it’ll beat his previous thinking record by two weeks.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Two weeks’ notice is so important, because Trump knows starting a war in the Middle East is a lot like quitting your sales job at Best Buy. It’s just polite.”
Stephen Colbert
“Two weeks. It’s always two weeks. For a guy whose catchphrase is ‘You’re fired,’ no one has ever given more two weeks’ notice than Donald J. Trump.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump treats going to war like the rest of us treat company softball. I don’t know, it kind of sounds fun, but I also like having my weekends.”
Seth Meyers
“According to the White House, all options remain on the table for the president, specifically McDonald’s, Popeyes, Domino’s, and KFC.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Solstice in the Time of Trump
With geopolitical signals still foggy, late-night hosts turned to the one thing heating up without ambiguity—summer.
“Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Climate Prediction Center are warning that this summer is forecast to be unusually hot, so, they’re all fired.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“The heat is already brutal. Today on my way into work, I was sweating like Ted Cruz being asked about Iran.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow, in case you didn’t know, is the first official day of summer. June 20th, the summer solstice, used to be the longest day of the year, but that’s one of the nice things about Trump being president — now every day is the longest day of the year.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“The first day of summer is also the longest day of the year. Although, just about every day since the inauguration has felt like the longest day of the year, hasn’t it?”
Jimmy Fallon
“The solstice normally falls on the 21st, but this year, the longest day… has been every day.”
Stephen Colbert
Kimmel Out
Speaking of summer, it’s Jimmy Kimmel’s cue to hit the beach. Starting Monday, he’s handing off his show to a parade of guest hosts through Labor Day—but not before squeezing in a few parting laughs.
“I don’t want to go, either, they put it in my contract, I have to go to fat camp every summer.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m going to spend the bulk of my summer at the Newark Airport this year.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Rest assured that if Donald Trump does anything monumentally crazy, anything that requires an emergency response, I will be in a canoe ignoring it.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Potpourri
“The L.A. Lakers have been sold for a record $10 billion. Meanwhile, the Utah Jazz are on eBay and nobody’s bid anything.”
Jimmy Fallon
“[The Buss family] has owned it since 1979 when Dr. Jerry Buss bought the team for $37 and a bag of cocaine.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Trader Joe’s just opened a new store in California that is directly across from an existing Trader Joe’s. Customers love it, while stoned cashiers have never been more confused.”
Jimmy Fallon
“President Trump held a ceremony yesterday at the White House to commemorate the erection of two new flag poles because when you’re 79, every erection is worth celebrating.”
Seth Meyers
‘Too Late?’ What about ‘Loose Bowel Jerome Powell?’ Or ‘Jerome-Jerome the Business Gnome, won’t lower mortgage rates on your home!’ This country used to have standards! ‘Meatball Ron’! ‘Sloppy Steve’! ‘Liddle Marco!'”
Stephen Colbert on Trump’s “half-assed” nickname for his Federal Reserve Chair, Jerome “Too Late” Powell
“When asked yesterday about the difference between his first and second terms, President Trump said, ‘I was the hunted, and now I’m the hunter.’ Dude, that’s not the job. You’re thinking of the difference between the first and second Rambo.”
Seth Meyers
“Which I assume means he’s also got crazy stuff on his laptop. No, no, not that one. Not that Hunter.”
Seth Meyers
Friday Night on Late Night:
Dave Barry, Paul Begala and Rep. Wesley Hunt of Texas join Bill Maher on HBO’s Real Time.
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