James Austin Johnson‘s President Donald Trump— with both Ambien and Adderall coursing through his veins—took Qs from the press aboard Air Force One in this week’s Saturday Night Live cold open.
“I know you have questions for the president,” Ashley Padilla‘s press sec Karoline Leavitt told the gaggle, “but it’s very late, he’s exhausted, his brain is all over the place….
“So unfortunately, he can’t wait to talk to you,” she sighed.
First pressed by CNN’s Kailin Collins (Chloe Fineman) about the economy, Trump reiterated his stance that “affordability” is a made-up word, then maintained “everything’s fine, from the billionaires all the way down to the poor, poor millionaires who we’re praying for every night.”
He shrugged that he’s doing the best he can with the “mess of an economy” he inherited from previous presidents such as Biden and… well, himself.
On the topic of the United States’ recent seizure of a Venezuelan oil tanker, Trump trumpeted, “Yes, we’re doing pirate now — arr! I’m the captain now!”
“In fact, we’re not just targeting drug boats, we’re targeting suspected drug planes as well,” Trump added, before cuing up live video of Santa’s sleigh being blown out of the sky—breaking the heart of one male journo.
After offering parting shots on Netflix’s bid to buy Warner Bros.(“They’ve got one of the worst studio tours in all of L.A.!”) and new Epstein party photos that show condoms with Trump’s face and the word’s “I’m HUUUGE” (“100% legit!”), the president excused himself to commence his “pre-bedtime self-care ritual.”
Said ritual involves “putting a bandage on my hand and covering it with make up, adding more layers of bandage and makeup…. It’s a medical lasagna,” he remarked. ” We should all be worried about my health, I’m very ill.”
Watch the full cold open above.
NBC’s SNL closes out its 2025 run next weekend with host Ariana Grande and musical guest Cher, before heading for a holiday break.
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