For a second time this week, President Donald Trump addressed the nation—by way of the Saturday Night Live cold open.
Trump of course crashed the Survivor season finale earlier this week to barrel through false claims about inflation, grocery prices, prescription drug prices (impossible 700% reductions!), gas prices, immigration, foreign conflicts, and more.
But wait, because he has even more to say!
James Austin Johnson‘s Trump spoke to us from “the one part of the White House that Melania hasn’t gotten to yet” with her (creepy) Christmas decorations. The stream-of-consciousness spiel started with POTUS awkwardly hugging a nearby Christmas tree, much the way he hugged a flag what feels like a million years ago.
He updated us on his latest “mandatory daily cognitive test” and his secret for successfully identifying the camel on said exam: “It’s a bumpy horse! Thats how I know.”
Trump tackled some of the past few days’ hotter topics, including his renaming of the Kennedy Center to “The Trump-Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts No Homo.” He then revealed plans to tack his name onto both the Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument, and made a funny about renaming Lady Liberty “Big Elphaba.”
Trump defended his idea for a Hunger Games-style competition between elite high athletes from each state—”They’re saying, ‘Sir, you know how the book ends,’ and of course I don’t because book! I don’t like to read.” Besides, “What’s the best way to distract from the Epstein files? I know! Invite a bunch of teenagers to my house!”
Speaking of the heavily redacted Epstein files (“My second-favorite R-word, redacted“), Trump put a few pages on display to reveal the hidden message formed by the few visible words:
TRUMP DOES SMASH BUT NOT WRONG KIND.
And on that note, he wished viewers a Merry Christmas—”or, if you’re Jewish, Happy Honky-donk!”
Watch the full sketch above.
Get stories like this in your inbox: Sign up for LateNighter’s free daily newsletter.
