Mon Night Monologues: Snoring in the Court

Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Law & Sordid:DJT

After his legal team tried literally every desperate gambit to delay, recuse, deny, and otherwise make it go away, Donald Trump’s criminal trial on 34 felony counts for falsifying business records to hide hush money to a porn star commenced on Monday. And while the first day was spent largely on the arduous task of finding twelve human beings not already nauseatingly familiar with Trump’s alleged adulterous dalliance with adult film actress Stormy Daniels and the ensuing election year coverup (which has already seen Trump’s longtime fixer Michael Cohen go to prison), the news is already not great for the former President and multiple defendant.

In a week when two of the five late-night shows are dark, it was up to Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel to delve into the legal mire and emerge with enough jokes to keep beleaguered news junkies satisfied. Trump did his part, comparing his criminal prosecution to persecutions suffered by everyone from Nelson Mandela to Jesus, violating the gag order prohibiting him from attacking court officers and their families, claiming to be “proud” to defend himself from what he termed “an assault on America,” and then falling very publicly asleep on the very first day of what promises to be a long and embarrassing trial.

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“Well, it’s true—Trump is always proud to be part of any assault on America.”

jon stewart

“The trial is scheduled to last six weeks, or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first.”

jimmy kimmel

“Theres a fun little story from the smile file—Donald Trump became the first former President to go on criminal trial. [Crowd goes nuts] I know you’re excited but don’t cheer too loud. We need you to get picked for jury duty.”

stephen colbert

“The trial began at 10 a.m., with the court clerk announcing The People of the State of New York vs Donald J. Trump—followed by 15 minutes of thunderous applause.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s stated plan to attend rallies on the same day as he’s required to attend his trial] “Your Honor, could we wrap this up, please? Because I’m late for a rally where I call for your execution.”

stephen colbert

[On Trump falling asleep at the defense table] “imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your own trial.”

jon stewart

[On Trump falsely complaining that the judge won’t immediately grant permission for him to attend son Barron’s high school graduation] “This scammer judge won’t even let me go to graduation for the son who was four months old when I cheated on his mother with the porn star I’m accused of paying off!”

jimmy kimmel

“This is an historic moment we will all tell our grandchildren about…very carefully.”

stephen colbert

“One thing he is right about, when he says that there’s never been anything like this. Because Donald Trump is the first former U.S. President to be tried for paying hush money to a porn star who said his penis is shaped like a mushroom.”

jimmy kimmel

[On the D.A.’s office recommending a $3,000 fine for Trump violating the gag order] “Only 3k? but I guess that’s on brand for trump, KKK.”

stephen colbert

The Gettysburg Hot Mess

In a pre-trial warmup with a campaign rally crowd in Pennsylvania this weekend, Donald Trump thought it fitting to commemorate one of the bloodiest and most horrific events in American history, the Battle of Gettysburg. At least that’s what late-night hosts speculated that Trump was doing, as the Presidential candidate rattled off one of the most incohe—look, here’s what Trump said, verbatim. You make up your mind.

“Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was. It was so much, and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible, and so beautiful in so many different ways—it represented such a big portion of the success of this country. Gettysburg, wow…”

Trump also defended Confederate President Robert E. Lee, complaining that the traitorous leader of a secessionist army dedicated to destroying the union has “fallen out of favor,” and, most bafflingly of all, misattributed to Lee the quote, “Never fight uphill, me boys.” Wheeling out a chalkboard with Trump’s full remarks, Jimmy Kimmel echoed many historians in grading Trump’s incoherent remarks an F+.

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“That is plagiarized almost directly from my second grade book report, ‘Gettysburg, Wow.'”

Jon stewart

“‘Me boys?’ Does he think Lee was a pirate?”

stephen colbert

“That was easily the funniest seizure I have ever seen.”

jimmy kimmel

“‘Never fight up hill, me boys?’ It is true, the North did have the higher ground, but I’m pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not a leprechaun.”

jon stewart

“Get than man on Drunk History, will you?”

jimmy kimmel

World War-Free

Jon Stewart played up his relief that the Iran-Israel conflict over the weekend—touted by hysterics all over the internet as the fuse igniting WWIII—fizzled out when 99 percent of Iranian drones fired at Israel were intercepted, several Arab nations assisted in shooting down the projectiles, and Iran itself proclaimed the matter (set off by Israel’s attack on the Iranian consulate in Damascus ) to be “concluded.” Stewart, producing a bloody severed head he claimed fell victim to his media-stoked WWII panic, did concede that Israeli officials’ response that Israel will retaliate has him worried all over again.

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“Oh no, not World War III! I’m still writing ‘Iraq war’Iraq War’ on all my checks.”

Jon stewart

“The skies above Israel were lit up like a—I want to say Christmas tree, but…”

jon stewart

“It shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel American dollars away from health care and education.”

jon stewart

[Addressing the Middle East as a whole] “I hope this doesn’t sound patronizing. But when we in the West drew your region’s borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships, we expected a little better.”

jon stewart

Potpourri

[On Nike’s controversially revealing women’s track and field uniforms] “That explains Nike’s new slogan: Just—ow! Front-wedgie!”

stephen colbert

“It’s true, this year you really could win by a hair.”

stephen colbert

“People are excited because it’s Tax Day. And if you haven’t filed yet, you have [checks watch] 21 minutes. Good luck!”

stephen colbert

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