Mon Night Monologues: Trump’s Jersey Shore Situation

Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Down the Shore with Hannibal and Frank

Donald Trump used one of his precious days off from falling asleep during his campaign fraud trial to relax with some of his New Jersey faithful down at the Shore. The Trump campaign’s claims of 100 thousand attendees has been broadly laughed out of Jersey, with fact-averse MAGA minions (including Trump henchman Roger Stone) posting photographic proof of the teeming crowd that turned out to be an actually enthusiastic throng storming the beaches of Rio de Janeiro for a 1994 Rod Stewart concert.

No matter, as Trump wowed the crowd with attacks on everyone from the legal officials involved in his criminal prosecution to local legend Bruce Springsteen, and vocal praise for, um, noted fictional serial killer and cannibal Hannibal Lecter, who the 77-year-old Republican presidential candidate repeatedly referred to as “the late, great Hannibal Lecter,” for reasons defying all rational thought. (Don’t worry, Fox News found ways to spin it.)

All in all, another sparkling example of the GOP’s top choice for President losing it on the shrinking number of news stations that carry his off-teleprompter meltdowns live. Oh, and that’s not mentioning Trump’s definitely true name drop concerning the time Hoboken’s own Frank Sinatra gave him some sage advice, or Trump repeatedly calling former President Jimmy Carter “Jimmy Connors,” until he excruciatingly mumbled the name “Jimmy” over and over before stumbling on the actual name of our 39th head of state. As Seth Meyers described Trump’s gaffe, “‘Jimmy… Jimmy…’ It was like watching a guy trying to start a lawnmower.”

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“Trump held a rally this weekend down at the Jersey Shore. And did exactly what you’re supposed to do at the Jersey Shore. Hang out with friends, try to forget your upcoming court date, and never go in the water.”

stephen colbert

[On the media continuing to cover Trump with kid gloves] “Seriously, New York Times. That headline sounds less like a description of a wannabe dictator who’s been indicted four times and more like one of Carrie’s columns in Sex and the City.”

seth meyers

“It all happened in the New Jersey town of Wildwood. Which, if you’ve never been there before, imagine if a bootleg Rick and Morty t-shirt were a place.”

stephen colbert

“At this rally, Trump talked about The Silence of the Lambs character Hannibal Lecter and said he was “a wonderful man.” First of all, Hannibal Lecter isn’t real, he’s a character played by Anthony Hopkins, a wonderful man who is real. Second, the character Hannibal Lecter is not a wonderful man, he’s a cannibal who murdered a bunch of people. And third, please tell me this is not your VP announcement.”

seth meyers

“I’m no political expert, but maybe don’t keep saying, ‘the late, great Hannibal Lecter.'”

jimmy fallon

[After Trump even got the name of the movie wrong] “Oh. I love Silence of the Lamb. It’s one of my favorite movie. It’s right up there with Star War, Dances With Wolf, and Jaw.”

stephen colbert

“I know we take chunks of his speeches and put them in A Closer Look, but is he taking chunks of Closer Looks and just putting them in his speeches now? The whole time I was watching that I was like, ‘Is that a f**king bit we did? ‘The late, great Hannibal Lecter,’ we f**king did that.'”

seth meyers

“In none of the stories does Hannibal Lecter die, and Sir Anthony Hopkins is still very much alive. Does Trump just think a character dies when he turns off the TV?”

stephen colbert

“So if you’re keeping track—though why would you—Springsteen and the District Attorney are bad, but Hannibal Lecter, Scarface, and hot dogs are good.”

seth meyers

“And can we just agree to leave Jimmy Carter out of this? The man’s 99 years old, has spent his post-presidency being quietly charitable with organizations like Habitat for Humanity. To put it in simpler terms, he’s built more homes than Hannibal Lecter has eaten faces.”

seth meyers

“Just take his name out of your mouth. Which shouldn’t be hard because it’s barely in your brain.”

seth meyers

[After Trump promised the crowd that his parents were in heaven] “‘They’re up there with late, great Hannibal Lecter, probably enjoying a nice dinner together. Congratulations, Hannibal, you ate my dad.'”

stephen colbert

[On Trump unwisely asking, “Can you believe it?” concerning his Frank Sinatra anecdote] “No, I can’t believe it. And here’s why. Because Frank Sinatra died in 1998 and you became a politician in 2015, so that conversation didn’t happen. And what would the context for that anyway? Under what circumstances would Frank Sinatra be talking to Donald Trump and his main advice for Trump—who, again, was neither a politician nor a TV personality when Sinatra was alive—would be, ‘Don’t eat before you perform?'” 

seth meyers

[After the conclusion of Trump’s anecdote suggests Trump spoke to Sinatra that very day] “Frank Sinatra’s been dead since the late 90s. Was he talking to the late, great Frank Sinatra or directly to an all-beef frank?'”

stephen colbert

Hello, It Must Be Cohen

After last week saw former Trump one night stand Stormy Daniels reveal embarrassing details about Donald Trump’s sex life, former Trump lawyer and Michael Clayton-style “fixer” Michael Cohen took the stand to continue the under-oath spanking of the twice-impeached former President. Cohen, who went to prison for exactly the crimes defendant Trump is now accused of, essentially buried his former boss under an avalanche of incriminating documents, testimony, and inside information, all while Trump, once more, reportedly dozed off in his chair.

Amidst the damning statements made today, Cohen outlined how he was carrying out Trump’s bidding in buying off Daniels and other women who kept coming forward with tales of Trump’s many infidelities, and how Trump’s focus was always on trying to falsify business records to cover up information that would sway voters (a felony if convicted). He also waved away claims by Trump defenders that Trump was only engaging in a massive coverup of relevant information during an election to protect the wife he was serially cheating on, with Cohen relating one conversation where Trump bragged about how little time he’d spend “on the market” should third wife Melania find out about his philandering. As Seth Meyers assessed Trump’s reasoning, “Trump really thought if he got divorced for the third time for having an affair with a porn star, he’d crush it on the dating scene. What would his Tinder bio have said? ‘Love hot dogs, hate Springsteen, will definitely cheat.'”

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“This is week four in his ‘faking business records to cover up  bangin’ a porn star’ trial.”

stephen colbert

“‘Not long on the market?’ You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, thats a lost and found bin.”

seth meyers

“Coincidentally, ‘not long’ is how Stormy described it.”

stephen colbert

[On Trump’s “on the market” comment] “So yeah, he wrote his own vows.”

seth meyers

“But it’s true, he would be off the market soon. I mean, he’s clearly past his expiration date.”

stephen colbert

“‘Mikey, be warned. You’re going to have to pay Karen, Stormy, Dusty, Misty, Kristi, Krispi, Crunchy, Crinkly, and Grisly—and of course one married woman, Mrs. Butterworth.'”

stephen colbert

[On Trump telling Cohen “some guys” might find his affair with a porn star “cool”] “And that’s where Trump was wrong. It wasn’t just any guy who thought it was cool, it was devout Christians.”

seth meyers

“Remember, Trump’s whole defense is, ‘I didn’t sleep with Stormy Daniels, and I didn’t pay her to be quiet. Michael Cohen paid her to be quiet, ’cause he’s such a great guy, who I hope is torn apart by wild dogs. And I only paid him what I thought were legal fees, and if I did anything at all I did everything I did, which I didn’t do, to protect my wife from finding out the things I never did.'”

stephen colbert

“Trump hadn’t been face to face with Michael Cohen since last year. Melania heard and was like, ‘Twinsies!’

jimmy fallon

On the Lighter Side, More Political Sleaze

Jon Stewart zigged when audiences imagined he’d zag right into the Trump trial on Monday’s Daily Show. That’s because Stewart chose to spend his entire monologue focusing on the other high-profile corruption trial of a high-ranking political figure going on in the area, as New Jersey Democratic Senator Bob Menendez faces charges of taking bribes from foreign governments. Stewart, eschewing the sludge of the seemingly open-and-shut Trump case, instead widened his target beyond just Menendez (who’s home was literally overflowing with cash and gold bars when raided by the feds) to implicate the wider system of “legal” bribe-taking that are slush funds, shady PACs, and elected officials using privileged information to engage in insider trading.

Implicating everyone from Republicans like Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, Rand Paul, Roy Blunt, Doug LaMalfa and Chuck Grassley to Democrats like Kirsten Gillibrand, Alan Lowenthal, and former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for fighting as hard to exempt themselves from financial oversight as they do for their constituents, Stewart was unrelenting in attacking both sides (and SCOTUS) for doing every day legally what Bob Menendez and his wife are alleged to have done on the down low. As Stewart noted of the audience reaction to him not letting Democrats off the hook, “‘I don’t think I like Jon Stewart anymore.'”

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[Pretending to choke back tears] “I don’t mean to get sentimental here, but in what other country in the world can a Cuban-American Senator work hand in hand with an Egyptian-born businessman to corner the halal meat market. [Singing] Livin’ in America…'”

jon stewart

[On Menendez’s lawyers citing “traumatic family history” for his massive home stashes of gold and paper money] “These are simply emotional support gold bars.”

jon stewart

[On Menendez’s rumored legal strategy of blaming his wife, Nadine] “Yes, it’s those three magic words that every woman is dying to hear, ‘It was her!'”

jon stewart

[On the defense asking potential jurors if they believe people from New Jersey are more likely to break the law] “You motherf**kers. You bury one union leader at your football stadium, while running a human trafficking ring through some Secaucus rabbis, and suddenly your whole state is a suspect.”

jon stewart

[On the fact that elected officials over-perform against the stock market compared to regular Americans by 7 percent] “And if you think it’s because the average U.S. Senator is so smart, this is the average U.S. Senator. Tommy Tuberville, an ex-football coach who doesn’t know the three branches of government.”

jon stewart

[On Lowenthal unloading Boeing stock days before the committee he serves on released a damning report] “Oh my God, what timing! You see that? You see, the rest of us only find out about Boeing’s problems as we’re being sucked out of the fuselage, mid-flight.”

jon stewart

[After Hunter Biden, in an interview, admitted he didn’t know if he’d have received a lucrative position if his last name weren’t Biden] “Holy s**t. Out of all the Senators and Representatives who dodged and prevaricated and who wouldn’t answer any f**king questions, you know you’re in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story about government corruption is the ex-crackhead.”

jon stewart

Potpourri

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[On the Biden campaign’s plan to run ads during The Price Is Right] “Are you sure you want to be on the show where people guess the price of stuff?”

seth meyers

[On the unprecedented aurora borealis over the U.S. this weekend] “The lights were so bright they could be seen as far away as Florida, where Governor DeSantis immediately banned the sky for displaying a Pride flag.” 

stephen colbert

[On Monday’s Tonight Show guest, Snoop Dogg] “I’ll never forget what he said to me backstage. He will, but I won’t.”

jimmy fallon

“A zoo in China has been facing criticism for displaying dogs that were painted to resemble pandas in a panda exhibit. And you could tell right away they weren’t pandas because they were constantly humping.”

seth meyers

[On the potential sale of the Oscar Mayer company] “Which means somewhere there’s a heated negotiation that includes the word ‘wienermobile.'”

jimmy fallon

“The Westminster Kennel Club Show began this weekend, despite the best efforts of Kristi Noem.”

seth meyers

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