“Tariff” was yet again the word of the day for late-night hosts as Americans watch their 401Ks plummet thanks to an economic plan that just about everybody thinks is deeply stupid. Well, unless you’re a Fox News host spinning for your life or a made-up economist cited by one of Trump’s top advisers. Here’s our Monday monologue rundown.
Seth Meyers
Meyers led the charge in sounding the alarm over the stock market’s continued precipitous plunge on Monday, as Donald Trump continued to stick to his tariff plan.
“‘What’s my handicap? I’d say a complete inability to empathize with my fellow human beings, that’s a big one.'”
on trump bragging about winning his own golf tournament
“Who the f*ck is Hank Tough? That sounds like the name—Hank Tough is Donald Trump’s porn star alter ego.”
on trump’s misspelled tweet urging americans to ride out the economic chaos
“Trump derangement syndrome, for those who don’t know, is when Trump does something deranged and you, I guess, notice it.”
on trump loyalists mocking americans’ fears
“The new line that losing money costs you nothing. The same people who spent four years screaming about the price of eggs are suddenly turning into Buddhist monks. The next time you turn on Fox News, Sean Hannity’s gonna be there with his head shaved saying, ‘Money is but a mirage, an empty vessel that cannot provide meaning. You came from the dust and to the dust you shall return.'”
“Yeah, it’s like if you’re rushed into the hospital and you flatline, it might not be a bad thing. It just means your heart is taking a nap.”
on fox’s jeanine pirro claiming that economic chaos might be a good thing
“It’s like when you get back into a relationship with an ex you couldn’t keep up with because of their wild party lifestyle and you think maybe this time things’ll be different. And then a week later, you find yourself in a basement at 5 a.m. surrounded by strangers in Venetian masks on molly, and someone starts to unbutton your shirt and you finally get up the courage to say, ‘Hey, hands off!'”
on this week’s protests which saw millions of americans finally takE to the streets
Jon Stewart
It was all tariffs for The Daily Show‘s Monday host. As Jon Stewart introduced the ongoing phenomenon and conservative media’s spin, “As you know, our economy is in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis. Turning from a simple caterpillar into a dead caterpillar.”
“Your economic policy has the same tagline as Season 3 of Squid Game?”
on trump’s would-be reassuring weekend tweet, “Only the weak will fail!”
“You know what I always say, Live, Laugh Love! It’s 401K somewhere.”
on fox’s jeanine pirro Saying she doesn’t care about her plummeting 401k
“And when did the right become so chill? Aren’t you the ‘Bud Light’s turning my kid’s trans’ folks?”
“So everyone relax. This is merely a routine rat poison colonoscopy.”
on right-wing pundits various metaphors for the current crisis
“Their best argument so far for any of this is the same one we got about Tinkerbell being able to fly. You have to believe.”
“Financial destruction not seen since the pandemic. And this time, there’s no controversy as to how it all started. There’s no wet market. You, Trump, released the contagion. It’s your lab leak, and it’s right out in the open. This is like if the researchers at the Wuhan Institute of Virology walked out to the Great Wall with a Tupperware and went, ‘We have an exciting announcement!'”
Stephen Colbert
Ever the optimist, Stephen Colbert pointed out at least one person who’s still got job security: “the guy who takes photos of panicked stockbrokers.” And although the economy hasn’t seen this kind of freefall since the pandemic, he noted at least this time “we can safely screen right into each others’ faces.”
“He’s only been talking about tariffs since the 1980s. In the campaign, he said that tariff is the most beautiful word in the English language. This is like electing Snoop Dogg and saying, ‘I didn’t know he was gonna smoke weed every day.'”
on some ceos expressing shock at trump’s actions
“Wall Street clearly wants the president to change his mind, but he doesn’t have one.”
“That’s a weird thing to brag about. ‘Everybody’s makin’ fun of me for pooping my pants, but jokes on them—I pooped my pants on purpose. While everyone else is playing checkers… I’m poopin’ my pants.'”
on trump retweeting a claim that he’s crashing the economy on purpose
“China, if you want a trade war, then a trade war is what you’ll get! The gloves are off! Because you make the gloves and we can’t afford them any more.”
on trump’s threats of an additional 50% tariff on chinese goods
“That is an aggressively tone deaf press release.’ I’m sorry, Mrs. Jones. I botched the operation and your husband is dead. But this morning I got the Wordle in two.'”
on the white house tweeting about trump’s golf outing
“I know. His brain is broke.”
on a reporter obliging asking trump about his handicap
“Yes, he’s swinging for the fences. He missed and hit America in the S&P 500, which any economist will tell you stands for Scrotum & Penis 500.”
on fox news’ spin
Jimmy Kimmel
Before getting to the inevitable flaming Tesla that is the economy, Kimmel took note of his Los Angeles Dodgers choosing to meet with Trump on Monday.
“The world champion Los Angeles Dodgers met the draft dodger in chief today at the White House.”
“It was a unique opportunity to have the franchise that signed Jackie Robinson to meet the president who had him removed from our government websites.”
But the tariffs wait for no monologue, as Kimmel went after Trump’s economic plan, and his apparent lack of concern with the pain it’s causing.
“It was another tariffying day on Wall Street. The Dow was down, the S&P was down, cocaine was up.”
“Hey, I’m not an expert when it comes to the economy, but I am an expert when it comes to nicknames, and “panican” is not going to catch on.”
on trump’s latest insult for those concerned about the economic disaster
“Remember when he told us to inject bleach to cure Covid? Turns out those were the good ideas.”
“Trump also skipped out on honoring four fallen soldiers so he could have dinner at Mar-a-Lago. In his defense, it was fajita night.”
“Of course he won. Anyone who beats him gets sent to El Salvador.”
on trump claiming victory on the golf course over the weekend
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host wasn’t immune to some nervous joking about the state of the economy, with a little airline humor thrown in.
“Today is National Beer Day. Yeah, it’s a very popular day. In fact, everyone with a 401k has been celebrating since last Wednesday.”
“Trump defended [the tariffs] by saying, ‘Sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.’ RFK Jr heard and was like, ‘Then why’d you hire me?'”
“When you don’t have an Education Department, you have to start making up your own words.”
on trump calling those worried about the crashing economy “panicans”
“To be fair, if there’s anyone’s an expert on stuff crashing, it’s the CEO of Tesla.”
on elon musk criticizing trump’s tariffs
“Today when Trump and Elon started fighting, Eric and Don Jr asked, ‘Are we gonna have two Christmases?'”
“Today the CEO of Spirit Airlines stepped down. He was like, ‘I’m gonna take off,’ and everyone was like, ‘We’ll see.’
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host did a drive-by on Trump’s tariffs before casting an even more skeptical eye at the new A.I. chatbot designed to help people’s online flirting game.
“This is bleak. By Halloween, it’ll be too expensive to use pumpkins for jack o’lanterns. You’re just gonna have to face-paint your ugliest son.”
on egg prices forcing some people to dye potatoes for Easter
“I didn’t think therapists were allowed to talk about what happens during sessions. Now I’m scared my therapist is going to talk to a reporter like, ‘Yeah, many of my patients are saying that Trump’s presidency has been negatively affecting the vibe of the show they host on CBS.’ It’s like, ‘Rachel, shut up!'”
“Apparently it’s so realistic it even waits three messages to ask for feet pics.”
on that tinder flirt-training app
“I mean, men seem to understand video game rules. Maybe they would be better at flirting if they could see their dates had little health bars that go down every time they say something creepy. Like, ‘Oh, you just asked to see a picture of my sister? Well you didn’t just lose points with me, you just lost one life.'”
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