Hoo boy. That was the collective theme of most of Monday’s late-night monologues in response to Friday’s disastrous White House meeting between Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, which began with Marjorie Taylor Green’s right-wing reporter boyfriend Brian Glenn mocking the wartime president’s signature soldier-casual clothes and ended up with Trump and J.D. Vance berating Zelenskyy for not being nicer to them, and to Vladimir Putin, the guy who has been invading Zelenskyy’s homeland for three years.
Stephen Colbert called the debacle “horrifying,” “chilling,” and “embarrassing,” while Seth Meyers pronounced it America’s official embrace of “Russia’s brand of corrupt autocracy.” Meanwhile, in a blistering, sobering extra-long monologue, The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart made the case that the Republicans under Trump have now enacted “the end result of a scripted arc that culminates in America betraying its old alliance for the lure of a strongman partnership that carves up the world’s bounties and places classic democratic values behind transactional convenience.”
Oh, and the Oscars were on Sunday. Here’s our rundown of a momentous Monday’s worth of monologues. Â
Jon Stewart
Pulling out a plastic sippy cup version of the mug he memorably gashed himself with last Monday while noting sheepishly, “I am not allowed to have big boy mugs any more,” Stewart postponed his talk of the Oval Office catastrophe to take some shots at Elon Musk, whose DOGE-ing of the federal government provoked his explosive gesture. Noting how Musk’s demand for an unedited interview with Stewart was happily accepted by The Daily Show—only for Musk to immediately chicken out with complaints about Stewart being a “propagandist,” Stewart, unsurprisingly, had some thoughts.
“I’ll be honest, I don’t think this network makes any other programming. So we could do whatever the f*ck we want as long as we wrap before the new season of South Park.”
Stewart, accepting Musk’s challenge with an open-ended time slot
“Again, the guy who made his own custom made ‘Dark MAGA’ hat that he wears to opine in the Oval Office with the president who he spent 270 million dollars to elect… thinks I’m just too partisan.”
“I’m really not sure what he thinks bipartisan means, but it’s generally not, ‘I support Donald Trump, and also Germany’s AfD party.’ That’s not bipartisan, that’s just the same sh*t.”
“But can we just drop the pretense that you won’t do it because I just don’t measure up to the standards of neutral discourse that you demand and display at all times, because that’s bullsh*t.”
Then it was time for Stewart to address the big, lumbering elephant in the room, as the host laid out a long and genuinely wrenching case that Republicans under Trump have explicitly thrown in with Putin’s style of repressive strongman bigotry and anti-democratic rule. (Stewart played clips of Putin echoing hot-topic GOP talking points like mocking transgender people and Russian state TV cheering on Trump’s obvious defection just to show the near total Venn diagram overlap at this point.)
“I think it was Churchill during World War II who was criticized for being ‘a bit lippy.’ [Catty voice] ‘Excuse me, mister, we’ll decide where you’re going to fight them, whether it’s on the beaches or not or whatever.'”
on fox news mocking zelenskyy for having attitude
“Poor guy, Zelenskyy. His nation was invaded, he’s held off a much bigger army for three years. And we’re like, ‘Would it kill you to smile a little more, dress a little nicer?'”
“Yeah, bullsh*t. I’m pretty sure everybody wants to end all wars… Hitler wanted to end the war—just not the way it ended.”Â
on director of national intelligence tulsi gabbard accusing zelenskyy of not wanting peace
“Yeah, I’m sure your heart—in quotation marks—is breaking.”
on trump adviser stephen miller pretending to care about the devastation in ukraine
“Yes, people get terribly afraid when someone viciously takes their side. They must be quaking in their—what is it Russians wear on their feet? Is it something like shoes inside other shoes and they get very small, until…”
on Lindsey graham (R-KY) claiming that trump’s behavior is somehow making putin afraid
“They are f*cking delighted. Do you know how hard it is to delight a Russian? There’s only two ways to do it—break up the Western democratic order, or bear on roller skates.”
on russian state TV’s reaction to trump’s treatment of zelenskyy
Stewart also made an extended digression to compare the meeting to Saturday’s WWE Elimination Chamber match, where perennial babyface John Cena (representing the U.S. in his metaphor) made a shocking heel turn to betray champ Cody Rhodes (Ukraine) on behalf of the evil The Rock (Putin). Shocking that is if you’re not a ‘rassling fan—or familiar with how WWE hall of fame inductee Donald Trump operates, anyway.
“You poor dumb bastards. It makes perfect sense, if only you watch American wrestling. It was a heel turn designed to create the alliance Trump always wanted in the first place. What’s to understand? Trump and the Republicans like Putin better.”
on democrats expressing shock at the way things went down
Stephen Colbert
Colbert at first processed the Oval Office mess through the lens of some weekend entertainment news.
“So things were looking promising, but then everything exploded and collapsed. It’s a phenomenon political scientists refer to as the Emilia Peréz Oscar campaign.”
“No, it’s an important question. In the Oval Office, there is a strict dress code of decorum. You must either look like a businessman, [picture of Elon Musk] or a guy trying other hand you a flier outside of a strip club.”
on brian glenn mocking zelenskyy’s clothes
“Damn! [Zelenskyy accent] ‘Is nice suit. The store where you bought that—they also have men’s department? Seriously, where you get that suit, Jos. A Bankrupt?'”
on zelenskyy mocking glenn’s clothes right back
“Yes, J.D. What kind of diplomacy are you talking about? An ally of the United States is defending his people against a bloodthirsty war criminal and you’re scolding him like a little kid who left a wet towel on a wood floor.”
on J.D. Vance jumping in to attack zelenskyy
Colbert was greeted with some relieved applause from his audience upon relaying how basically every European leader rushed to defend Zelenskyy against the Trump-Putin alliance, announcing plans for a stronger NATO military presence. The outpouring of support and promises of aid cheered Colbert as well—to a point.
“Do you know how bad things have to get for all of Europe to agree on anything? They can’e even agree on the way their toilets should be weird.”
“Oh great, Europe’s gonna get their own giant military now. We can’t re-arm Germany! [Whispers] You know how they get. And they’re good at it.”
Seth Meyers
Like Stewart, Meyers greeted the weekend’s chaos with an extra-long A Closer Look, after silencing his phone notifications which kept speeding up until it sounded like it was going to explode on the Late Night desk like a Daily Show coffee mug.
“The guy’s the leader of a country that was invaded by Russian and you’re grilling him like a fop at a garden party. [Catty voice] I have a question, is your stylist legally blind or just far-sighted?'”
on all the “why don’t you wear a suit?” nonsense
“No they f*cking don’t. People have concerns about the cost of groceries, not whether the president of Ukraine has ever been to a Men’s Wearhouse. I don’t see you asking Elon Musk if he owns a suit, even though he shows up to cabinet meetings looking like a Lithuanian record producer.”
on brian Glenn claiming americans really care about zelenskyy’s clothes
“Musk dresses like it’s casual Friday on the Death Star.”
“That’s right, hasn’t this poor man suffered enough? This poor, shirtless man. He can’t even afford a car, he has to ride a horse to work. Won’t you please help this Russian dictator. You can help end his suffering today with just a $25 donation to ASPCV (through American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vlad).”
on trump claiming putin has been through so much—after being accused of being a dictator and meddling in u.s. politics
“None of that made any sense whatsoever. If you heard those words come out of anyone else’s mouth, you’d say, ‘Oh my God, there was something else in that adderall.'”
“Trump’s disastrous meeting with Ukrainian President Zelelnskyy started to go off the rails when J.D. Vance, a former Cabbage Patch Doll who, when given one wish from a magical fairy, wished to be an assh*le, intervened to suck up to Trump.”
“J.D. Vance sounds like a boyfriend who just got caught cheating for the third time. ‘You keep asking where I was, but have you said thank you once for the bracelet I got you?’ ‘That was two years ago and I said thank you when you gave it to me.’ ‘But have you said thank you during this fight?'”
“Oh come on, Marco, don’t act like you weren’t trying to disappear into the couch during that meeting. You look like a five-year-old at a wedding who just got put into a time out.”
on former ukraine supporter marco rubio now claiming the war is zelenskyy’s fault
“You thought Marco Rubio was going to stand up to Donald Trump? There a better chance of Kermit standing up without a hand up his ass.”
on democrats claiming to be shocked that secretary of state Rubio, who they voted to confirm, immediately knuckled under
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host also chimed in on the fact that Donald Trump has now made the U.S. an enemy of world democracy—but first she made a little stopover at Sunday’s Oscars.
“This music makes it sound like the Academy killed all those people.”
on the odd choice of mozart’s “Requiem mass in d minor” to accompany the oscars’ in memoriam montage
“How am I supposed to mourn Maggie Smith when it sounds like Kendall Roy is trying to take over his father’s company?”
And then the segue.
“It’s appropriate to play fashion police on the Oscars’ red carpet, but you know where it’s not appropriate? In the Oval Office.”
“Yeah, this right-wing reporter asked Zelenskyy why he wasn’t wearing a suit. Um, because he’s in the middle of a war? Would you go up to a firefighter trying to hose down a burning building like, ‘Why is your coat so big?'”
“These ultra-conservatives would probably berate a waiter for having wet hair on the Titanic.”
“Trump is always trying to bully people into doing whatever he wants. Luckily, here at CBS/Paramount, we are standing up to him so we can stay on the right side of history. Yeah! We’re not gonna just—what’s that? [Holds hand to earpiece as headline shows Paramount ending DEI policy in deference to Trump’s executive orders] Sh*t, you guy, come on.”
“J.D. also yelled at Zelenskyy—like father, like douchebag.”
“‘Have you said thank you?’ He’s talking to the President of Ukraine like a frat bro pissed off at his date. ‘I bought you this beautiful meal from Outback and now you’re telling me you won’t f*ck me? I want my Bloomin’ Onion back.'”
“[Zelenskyy] left the Oval Office like a Bachelor contestant getting kicked out of the mansion. And we were all like, ‘Go, you can do better, run!'”
Jimmy Kimmel
Being right across the street from where the Oscars were held Sunday, Kimmel started off with the local Hollywood news as well.
“Right across the street at the Dolby Theater, Adrien Brody is just wrapping up his acceptance speech.”
“Conan did such a good job that today the Oscars announced that next year they’re giving it to Jay Leno to host.”
And then it was off to Washington D.C. for a report on the carnage there.
“This might have been Trump’s most mortifying moment yet, and this is a guy who suggested we inject bleach into our bodies.”
“[Over that picture of Putin] Everyone knows Donald Trump prefers his leaders shirtless and on a horse.”
“This poor man. They’re bombing every hospital is his country, he’s sitting there with the halfwit fashion police.”
“We haven’t seen Trump yelling at a foreigner like that since the last time Melania locked him out of the bedroom.”
“Siding with Trump is one thing, siding with Putin is—well, I guess it’s the same thing.”
on republicans lining up to defend trump’s actions
Jimmy Fallon
For Tonight Show host Fallon, the weekend was all about the Oscars, pizza, and just a side order of Trump.
“Usually when you hear about something 97 years old lasting four hours, it’s time to call a doctor.”
on the length of the 97th annual academy awards broadcast
“It lasted nearly four hours—not the show, Adrien Brody’s acceptance speech.”
“He made four acceptance speeches and still talked less than Adrien Brody.”
on anora director sean baker’s big night
“Trump made English our official language and then he was asked about bringing down the price of eggs and he was like, ‘No hablo ingles.'”
“After two decades, Skype is shutting down. Employees knew it was time when the farewell meeting was held over Zoom.”
“Today, Dominos released their own version of a stuffed-crust pizza. Everyone was like, ‘What’s it stuffed with?’ And they said, ‘Yes.'”
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