Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
That Evil Genius Is Senile… Or Vice-Versa!
It’s got to be exhausting being MAGA. The sheer mental gymnastics it must take every second of every day to square your unquestioning worship of someone who does nothing but lie, scam, and do crimes. The single-minded certainty that keeps getting punctured the second anyone who actually knows what they’re talking about opens their mouth. And living the brain-bending double reality that President Joe Biden is both a doddering, sundowning, inept, impotent old coot and simultaneously the greatest devious criminal mastermind the world has ever known. It’s all enough to make you turn up in a MAGA-branded diaper to vote for an adjudicated rapist, convicted felon fraudster whose every rambling policy plan involves giving his rich friends your Social Security.
That last conundrum is where MAGA-land finds itself after the felony conviction of Hunter Biden this week. The younger Biden was convicted of three counts of lying to obtain a firearm as a drug abuser, a set of charges already designed to send right-wingers into a mental tailspin. (“Yay, he’s going down! Boo, gun laws shouldn’t exist! Where’s the aspirin?”) The bigger headache comes from Trump supporters’ need to reconcile the fact that Joe Biden did nothing to interfere with a serious court case that could see his beloved son wind up in federal prison, has said he will not pardon Hunter, and has expressed nothing but paternal love and acceptance of his troubled offspring. Couple that with the fact that literally no Biden supporters felt the need to call Hunter’s trial rigged or loudly protest outside the Delaware courthouse, plus the fact that Hunter Biden’s conviction shatters the already ludicrous idea that his dad has been weaponizing the Justice Department, and there have been Fox News talking heads virtually smoking from the ears with the labyrinthine conspiracy peddling of it all.
As The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper advised the right-wing media-sphere on Wednesday, “Here’s a genuine question for MAGA-world. Can you guys rest the conspiracy migraine for just a second, and squeeze a beat of joy out of this? I mean, my God, you’re all so miserable. The last time a Republican had fun, she was kicked out of the Beetlejuice musical.”
“This is the contradiction of how the right wants us to see Biden. He’s either a puppet master pulling all the strings or he’s a puppet who’s puppeteer has taken the day off.”
seth meyers
“Let me tell you something. Nobody is taking the fall for Joe Biden. He falls plenty on his own… thank you very much.”
Jordan Klepper
“That’s right, Joe Biden weaponized the Justice Department against his own son. Hunter must be so mad!”
seth meyers
“When Donald Trump was convicted, you didn’t see Democrats going, ‘I bet this is just a distraction from the classified documents case. Or the January 6 case. Or the Georgia racketeering case. Or the E. Jean Carroll case. Or the insurance fraud case…'”
jordan klepper
“Trump has an interview with his probation officers on Monday during which he reportedly admitted that he still has a gun back in Florida. Which is bad, because that could be a violation of his parole, and could also potentially be another felony, a felony gun charge. Who does this guy think he think he is, Hunter Biden?”
jimmy kimmel
“You guys only think Joe Biden would frame his own son because that’s definitely something Trump would do. He probably only named him Don Jr so he could pin crimes on him.”
seth meyers
[On Don Jr’s, um, fast-paced video accusing Joe Biden of conspiracy with son Hunter’s trial] “Okay. I don’t want to make any assumptions about a guy’s drug use, but if I were Don Jr, I would not try to buy a gun in Delaware.”
jordan klepper
“Wait, which President’s son is on crack?”
jimmy kimmel
“No, Democrats were celebrating. I was in a Brooklyn Whole Foods when the verdict came down—people started f**king in the bulk grains aisle.”
jordan klepper
But Seriously, He Is Old
Let’s go to the tale of the tape:
President Joe Biden, born November 20, 1942. Zero felony convictions; not judged liable for sexual assault; not impeached; did not attempt to overthrow American democracy. Tells questionable stories about relatives being eaten by cannibals.
Former President Donald Trump, born June 14, 1946. 34 felony convictions (so far); adjudicated rapist; convicted of 34 felonies; twice impeached; did that whole insurrection thing. Spins long, incomprehensible hypothetical questions about sharks and electric boat batteries.
“[On the Biden campaign’s outreach to older voters, including pickleball tournaments and bingo] “Careful Joe, at your age you could break a hip… playing bingo.”
stephen colbert
[On Biden attending the G7 Summit in Italy] “These summits are always interesting because whenever Joe Biden hears G7 he yells ‘Bingo!'”
jimmy kimmel
“Usually when an 81-year-old does that much traveling through Europe it’s on a Viking river cruise.”
jimmy fallon
[On the clip of President Biden standing strangely motionless while all around him were dancing] “Off screen, we couldn’t see it, there was a T-Rex and he was hiding.”
stephen colbert
“A quick disclaimer for anyone who’s mad about my ‘Biden is old’ jokes. It’s fine. He’s the most powerful man in the world. He can take a joke, as we’ve made clear on this show repeatedly. There’s no equivalency between a competent 81-year-old who occasionally shows sign of age and a demented 77-year-old criminal who says dead people rigged the election and thinks electric boat batteries will lead to shark attacks.”
seth meyers
Chestnut Roasted
Controversy hit the uniquely American sport of competitive eating this week, as the famed Nathan’s Hot Dogs hot dog eating contest banned legendary digester Joey Chestnut from competing in this year’s July 4 competition. Citing Chestnut’s sponsorship deal with vegan fake meat manufacturers Impossible Foods as disqualifying Chestnut from jamming wet wieners down his gullet on national TV, Nathan’s has thrown down the pink, questionably sourced meat gauntlet, Meanwhile, the fact of a meatless wiener alternative being the cause of Chestnut’s banishment has only exacerbated conservatives’ ire over the snub of both Chestnut and all-American tubed pig anus.
“C’mon Nathans, you’re gonna ban Joey Chestnut just for taking a sponsorship deal? He’s got a family to feed… and feed… and feed…”
jordan klepper
[On Chestnut’s new meatless sponsor] “It’s like if Cookie Monster signed a deal with celery.”
jimmy kimmel
“By the way, the record for eating vegan hot dogs? Two and a half.”
jordan klepper
“The good news is for Joey, he might not die quite as soon.”
jimmy kimmel
“This is like barring LeBron James from basketball, or Aaron Rodgers from podcasting.”
stephen colbert
“Just like everything else in America, meat has now become politicized as what some are calling the meat culture war. Sounds stupid, but on the bright side I can’t wait for all the meat war movies like Apocalypse Cow and Full Metal Brisket.”
stephen colbert
“This vegan meat backlash is all part of the anti-science that brought you ‘vaccines are bad’ and ‘smallpox is back.’ Recently, Cracker Barrel started offering Impossible Sausages, which far-right commenters have been calling ‘5-G sausages” controlled by Bill Gates. That disturbing theory is very popular with the meat conspiracy group, BBQAnon.”
stephen colbert
It’s Called ‘The Aristocrats,’ Your Holiness
Stephen Colbert was barely able to keep his Catholic humility in check during his Wednesday monologue as the avowedly religious comedian announced that he is one of around 150 humorists from around the world who will travel to the Vatican for an audience with Pope Francis on Friday. The plan is for the comics, among them Colbert, Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Rock, Jimmy Fallon, Jim Gaffigan, Tig Notaro, and Conan O’Brien, to take part in a summit intended to “be a moment of meaningful intercultural dialogue and sharing of joy and hope,” according to the church.
Colbert’s eagerness to meet the Bishop of Rome and possibly try out some new material was almost immediately complicated by the news that, for the second time in a week, Pope Francis had used a particularly ugly Italian slur for gay men in official meetings. For the vocally decent and tolerant Colbert, that seems destined to make any potential yes-and-ing with His Holiness pretty awkward, especially since The Late Show host didn’t hold back in mocking this supposedly progressive pontiff’s behind-church-doors bigotry.
“Am I excited? Is the pope Catholic? I’ll let you know after I meet the freakin’ pope!”
stephen colbert
“I hope we get to meet that original priest and rabbi who walked into that bar!”
stephen colbert
[On Chris Rock’s participation] “Chris, for safety’s sake, I would just keep Mary Magdalene’s name out of your mouth.”
stephen colbert
[On the pope’s use of gay slurs] “Why, Pope Frankie, why? You’re the progressive pope. You’ve made landmark statements in support of same-sex civil unions, conducted LGBTQ+ outreach, and said of gay priests, ‘Who am I to judge?’ Evidently you were the pope.”
stephen colbert
“I cant believe I am alive for the first time anyone has ever been disappointed by the Catholic Church!”
stephen colbert
[On even NASCAR’s adoption of Pride Month merchandise] “It’s not easy to be less tolerant than NASCAR. You know their slogan: Pretty Sure Our Fans Did January 6.”
stephen colbert
[On the pope’s use of the slur during a meeting with bishops] “The bishops tried to stop him but they couldn’t get to him in time because they can only move diagonally.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“Can I just say how weird is that in the last couple of weeks, Hunter Biden and Donald Trump were convicted of lying on paperwork. I mean, this country really does draw the line at fillng out forms correctly.”
jordan klepper
[On a study recommending chocolate and red wine for astronauts’ health] “You’ll know the astronauts are drinking too much red wine when they’re like, ‘No Houston, you’re the one with the problem.'”
jimmy fallon
“On Thursday, Trump will meet with House Republicans to discuss how they will govern if he wins, or how they will pretend he won if he doesn’t win.”
jimmy kimmel
“According to a new Harvard study, aliens could be living among us disguised as humans, or living in a base inside the moon. Yep, that study proves once and for all that Harvard kids can afford the best weed.”
jimmy fallon
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