It’s not every day an American president announces he plans to offer American citizenship to anyone with five million bucks, and yes, that includes Russian oligarchs. Between that and Elon Musk basking in the forced applause from the very cabinet members whose departments he’s recklessly chainsaw-ing, late-night hosts had a bounty of mockable news Wednesday. Here’s our round-up of the night’s best jokes.
Desi Lydic
On a night where Elon Musk has invited himself for a one-on-one interview on your show, you’d think that Desi Lydic would take it easy. After all, it’s not like the big-talking billionaire has ever made bold promises and then turned tail and run when he thought better of it.
Lydic perhaps laid the groundwork for another Elon chicken-out, as the Daily Show host took on Musk’s typically awkward appearance at Trump’s first all-hands cabinet meeting, where the unelected billionaire loomed over the seated officials while Donald Trump told them to raise a hand if anyone was, as has been reported, unhappy with Musk’s hatchet job on their various departments. (Just guessing more than one assembled henchman had James Bond/Austin Powers-like visions of Trump pushing a secret button and their chairs suddenly dumping them into a pool of sharks.)
“Today was a big day for Donald Trump. He had a meeting with every member of his cabinet, and he even invited the president.”
“I’m sorry, you ‘accidentally, very briefly cancelled’ what? I hate to be giving efficiency notes to the efficiency master, but perhaps next time we keep ebola prevention going the whole time.”
On one of musk’s “whoops, my bad” revelations
“Is Elon really asking for credit for only cancelling ebola prevention a little bit? It’s like he dropped a baby and went, ‘What? Look how fast I picked it up! Five second rule.'”
Lydic also had words for Donald Trump. Especially his new “gold card” initiative, where any rich person can simply buy their way into American citizenship for the low, low price of five million bucks a head.
“Oh, ‘green card privileges plus.’ See, I was still getting America with ads.”
“Did this guy just put a cover charge on America?”
“I mean, I guess it beats the old way of becoming a citizen, which was to marry Donald Trump, but still.”
And, going back to that cabinet meeting, Lydic couldn’t help but notice that noted anti-vaxxer HHS head Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s stammering briefing on the now deadly measles outbreak among Texas’ unvaccinated community was repeatedly interrupted by some not at all alarming coughing fits.
“Quick question—when you say ‘we have measles outbreaks every year,’ are you talking about America or, like, you? ‘Cause right now it sounds like you might take out that whole room. And that would be… terrible, I want to say?”
Stephen Colbert
There was some understandable overlap in the monologues tonight, as the spectacle of a t-shirt-clad Elon Musk holding court over a sitting president and an entire United States cabinet to lay out just how he’s dismantling said government tends to pull focus.
“Everybody was there: RFK Jr, Pete Hegseth, Sean Duffy, Tulsi Gabbard, Kristi Noem. It was a who’s who of ‘why them?'”
“Well of course. I mean, we have all had that call with tech support. Hello? Your computer’s frozen? Have you tried turning it off? Uh huh. And then firing 4,000 people with an email?”
on musk’s “tech support” t-shirt
“That long, rambling response actually reminds me of circumcision, because someone really should have cut that dickhead off.”
after trump railed against government waste by complaining about “circumcision education”
“Reporters did reach out to Gleason but Gleason declined to comment. I am not surprised. It is really hard to speak clearly when you’re under a bus.”
on the finally revealed actual head of Musk’s doge, one Amy gleason, who was away on vacation in mexico and seems as surprised as anyone
Colbert also evinced some perhaps understandable concern over that whole “pay me five million clams and you’re an American, no questions asked” policy.
“Echoing the eternal words on the Statue of Liberty, ‘Give your tired, your poor… psych! Gimme 5 million bucks, beeyotch! We buyin’ bottles in the clurrb.'”
“‘Green card privileges plus?’ So Trump’s gonna Delta Comfort our immigration system? ‘It’s great, there’s green card, green card plus, and green card world traveler, folks. You get lounge access, a hot towelette, all the little cheese cubes you can stack up.'”
“Now those… are definitely numbers. Five, ten, fifty million trillion. I’m just putting this out there, what if we sold a hundred-zundred-gabba-gillion? Something to think about.”
on trump speculating that this program could bring in trillions of dollars
“Well I’m sure that will only attract good people and zero criminals. [Sopranos voice] ‘Yeah, I got a good guy to bring in. He can get rid of a body like that. I mean, he’s really good at playing the flute or computers or whatever the f*ck.'”
on trump revealing that rich gold card holders can also bring along a plus-one
“‘Yeah, could be. Could be Russian oligarchs. Or some other nice folks I’ve met: Mister Skeletor, Gargamel, Nosferatu.'”
on trump saying the program is of course open to the nice oligarchs he’s met
Colbert also had some harsh words for the White House Press Office’s decision to limit the reporters allowed to ask Trump questions, and for the White House Correspondents Association, whose complaints, Colbert implied, were too little and too late.
“‘Okay, welcome. I will now take questions on the United States’ grain exports to Malaysia. Yes, the gentleman from Fartcoin.biz. I’ll come to you next, Kanye.'”
on the administration putting right-wing outlets and podcasters in the front row
“The correspondent added, ‘But I’m sure one we put the finishing touches on this monster we helped stitch together out of body parts and rage, he’ll be our friend again.'”
on even Fox News decrying Trump’s banishment of actual journalists from press briefings
“Buddy, you were all cooked the minute you didn’t stand up for the AP. At this point, the meat has fallen off the bone and he’s covering you with lemon slices all over your body. And obviously, some pumpable cheese.”
after an anonymous white house correspondent noted, “if we don’t figure out a way to stand up to this, we’re cooked”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Uncle Scam” was Jimmy Kimmel’s latest in his long string of brainstormed nicknames for Donald Trump, coming as it did in the introduction to a series of jokes about Trump’s new cash-for-citizenship scheme. Kimmel had another one locked and ready to go as well.
“Get your golden tickets from President Oompa J. Loompa.”
“What a great idea. I’ve always said our immigration system should be run more like the customer rewards program at a casino in Atlantic City.”
“The land of the free—and by free, I mean five million bucks.”
“Let me tell you something, he may know oligarchs—but not as well as they know him.”Â
on Trump claiming he knows plenty of nice russian oligarchs ready for citizenship
Hitting closer to Kimmel’s California turf as it does, Trump decision to needlessly waste billions of gallons of reservoir water for a photo op/to own the SoCal libs is still drawing Kimmel’s ire. Especially since Trump himself keeps boasting about the fact that farmers in the area will now be without that water when growing season comes, and to make equally baseless claims about California water policy.
“It’s all part of his plan to ensure groceries cost a million dollars a month.”
“That’s right, we have ‘curfews on water.’ All water has to be in bed by ten o’clock, or it’s grounded.”
“I know that if you don’t live in Southern California, you assume there must be some little shred of truth to that story he just told. There’s not. There’s no limits on water, there’s no curfew on water, and the only thing he ‘wettened’ is the diaper he puts on every day.”Â
on trump’s boast that he “wettened” california with his stunt
Jimmy Fallon
Fallon, too, was taken aback by the goings-on at the White House.
“The meeting was very productive. The first half was spent kissing Trump’s butt, the second half was spent kissing Elon’s.”
“At one point, Elon acknowledged that his team had accidentally cancelled an ebola prevention program but the quickly fixed it. I don’t think that’s as reassuring as you think it is.”
“The Trump administration just announced that it is hand-picking the reporters who are allowed to cover Trump and ask him questions. Yup, Trump will now only take questions from Fox News, Foxier News, and Foxiest News.”
And then it was on to some business news.
“McDonald’s just announced one dollar Egg McMuffin day. It’s a little suspicious when an Egg McMuffin is cheaper than an actual egg.”
“Royal Caribbean is launching a Star Trek-themed cruise to celebrate the show’s 60th anniversary. We already have a Star Trek cruise, it’s called Virgin Voyages.”Â
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host did her pre-game monologue as a public service, promising her audience that hers would be “a positive news round-up,” and further boasting, “You can’t give me negative thoughts. Better luck later tonight when I’m alone in the shower.” First up, a Dutch doctor prescribing art museum visits instead of medication.
“America could never do this. Whenever a painting starts moving you, they’re like, ‘Close your eyes, your insurance doesn’t cover this.'”
“Obviously, this prescription is for mental health only. You’re not going to break your leg and hear a doctor be like, ‘Quick, get this man extra strength Picasso!'”
And after a few feel-good TikTok vids whose theme appeared to be, “I’ve got you. Also, you’re not weird,” Tomlinson closed out with a vid of a guy having his toupee carefully cut off by the police after he was caught smuggling cocaine underneath. Wait for the “positive” in 3…2…
“Hey, it is fun to find out what Donald Trump would be doing if he wasn’t president.”
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